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Way to rain on my victory parade, Biblio. Sometimes her realistic outlook was too intense for me.

Fine. No. But I’m getting there. I’ve made progress.Lunch with Bren was a huge step. I was still shocked that she’d agreed to it, and then had given me her number so we could hash out the details. I had no doubt that if I was too much for her, that she’d block my number without even thinking twice.

What was it with me having crushes on skittish people? Was I sending out a beacon for them or something?

Just be careful. I don’t want you to get your hopes up and then get them crushed.I might not have shared my real name with Biblio, but she knew that I had a tendency to think the best would happen and not prepare for the worst in case it happened and then I was devastated if it did anyway.

I didn’t have my head completely in the clouds, though. Reality was always breathing down my neck. Hell, I was far more grounded in reality than just about anyone in my home with the exception of Ellie, who had had to deal with more than one kid should at her age.

Yes, I was grounded by the numbers on the balance sheets I kept, but I also had faith in people. That they were basically good, on the whole, and could surprise you with their goodness. And I always trusted my instincts about people and there was something about Bren.

I’m not going to get crushed. It’s not that big a deal.Hadn’t I told my family the same thing? This lunch with Bren shouldn’t be a huge thing, but every time I tried to imagine sitting across from her at a table or going to one of the food trucks on the pier, my stomach started doing backflips and front flips and all kinds of other gymnastic movements.

Well, tell me how it goes.

I would.

That nightI was filled with so much restless energy that I couldn’t sleep until I’d tiptoed downstairs, slipped on my work boots and headed out to the hives.

I’d brought a blanket to throw over my shoulders to ward off the cold, but I still shivered a little. I’d done this walk so many times that I knew how to avoid triggering the automatic outside lights.

Like the humans inside the house, the bees were tucked in for the night in their hives, but that didn’t matter.

Sighing, I sat down on a soft patch of grass. Hopefully no spiders were going to crawl on me. I slapped at a mosquito and listened to the quiet, the sounds of the wind in the trees broken only by the soft rhythm of the peepers in the nearby pond.

A firefly flew lazily by as I tried to get comfortable.

“So, I asked Bren to go to lunch. And she agreed. And then she gave me her number, if you can believe that.” When I’d first started talking to the bees, I’d wondered if I needed to say anything special, but I hadn’t been able to figure out what that was so over the years I’d just talked to them like I’d speak to anyone else. I thought they appreciated my familiarity and friendliness.

I informed them about Bren (I’d told them about her many times already, so they had already heard her name), and poured out all my worries and anxieties and hopes.

“I just…I know that she’s not going to wake up one morning and realize she’s in love with me. And my track record with falling in love? Not great. At this point, I would settle to be her friend. If anyone needs a friend, it’s someone like Bren.”

My words were met with just the barest hint of a buzz.

“If all I can have is friendship? I’ll take it. I’ll probably develop a new crush anyway.” When I was younger, I’d had a new one every single week and they’d all been devastating. The bees had heard all about them and I’d cried more times than I wanted to count about this girl or that one. The second one crush would end, I’d wake up with another one.

I didn’t want to be this fickle person. I didn’t want my heart to be this way, but I couldn’t stop it—and I’d tried. Every crush was like a storm in my body, an unstoppable force that I was almost powerless against.

One minute the other person would be just someone I knew and the next minute they’d be someone I couldn’t breathe without.

“I don’t like being like this,” I said. “I want to…I want to be the kind of person who falls for someone and it’s real. It’s…solid. Mine always feel so tumultuous and wild and they’re not even fun. I don’t enjoy it that much.” That was for sure. I dreaded each new crush. If there were some kind of crush vaccine, I would have taken it. Or at least some sort of crush blocker that I could have until I was ready to fall in love with a good person. Someone who wouldn’t love me less than I loved them.

I was tired of loving more. Loving too much.

“I’ve decided to try something new. Friends. Friends with Bren. And then there’s Bibliofile, who I don’t have a chance in hell with because who knows if she’s even single or if we’re compatible outside of the internet.” Probably not. It would be just my luck to fall for someone so completely unattainable and unavailable.

“Do you have any advice for me?”

I waited, but there was nothing. Something rustled out in the grass and I prayed it wasn’t a skunk because then I’d be in big trouble. Freezing where I was, I waited for whatever it was to move off and decided it was time to head back inside. My ass was almost frozen to the ground.

“Thanks for listening. Love you.” I always thanked the bees for everything they did for me.

Wincing as I shook out my stiff legs, I did my best to walk quietly back to my apartment and upstairs to my warm bed.

Chapter Eleven

Bren