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Until there was nothing at all.

The silence screamed the loudest, crying to be heard.

“Tyler?” My brother’s voice booms through the fog. “Just nod if you can hear me. Stop trying to move.”

Tor is singing Pink Floyd songs. Why?

I nod, not wanting him to sense my confusion. The familiar sterile, bleachy smell and the faint beeping in the background bring me to the slow realization that I’m back in a hospital.

“I convinced your doctor to let me tell you what’s going on, but he’s right outside the door and he’s going to come in after I leave. Are you okay with that?”

I nod again, niggling fear mounting when I realize I can’t move or talk. And my brother is acting weird, talking to me almost like I’m a child.

“You’re going to hate me for a while, Ty. And that’s okay, because I hate you right now, too, because I need you, and you’re a mess. I’m gonna make this short and sweet because I can’t be in six places at once.” He coughs into his hand. “You crashed your motorcycle into someone’s house. You went right through their living room wall of floor-to-ceiling windows.”

Fuck.

“No surprise—the doctors found alcohol and drugs in your system, and in your pocket, so I’m having a hard time feeling sorry for you right now.” He slowly shakes his head, disappointment emanating from him. “I love you, bro, but you did this to yourself. You can only dance with the devil for so long.”

I nod, the weight in my chest growing heavier, like a rhinoceros sitting on me.

“You’re pretty shredded up from the glass. To put it mildly? Your scars now have scars. Everywhere. You’ve got a few broken bones, but you’re lucky to be fucking alive, and you’re damn lucky those people were in bed, or you probably would have killed them while they were sitting in their living room watching TV.”

He avoids my eyes as I stare up at him from the hospital bed, silently begging him to just stop talking. I can’t hear any more of this or bear any more of the suffocating pressure in my chest.

His eyes finally sink into mine, and they’re darker than I’ve ever seen, like something has sucked the color and life from him. “I want you to listen to me, Ty, because I’m not going to have the strength to repeat this. You got that?”

I blink and nod, an icy chill scattering through my veins.

“A shard of glass pierced your neck and, by some miracle, didn’t hit your jugular, but itdiddamage part of your vocal cords. The doctor said it went in at just the perfect angle.” He steps away and stares out the window, watching the rain fall outside. “You’re going to need surgery, and you’re not going to be able to talk for a while, if ever. I’ll let the doctor explain after I leave. It’s probably best if you don’t try to speak.”

My heart pounds harder, a deep bass of fear and remorse, and when he turns back around, I’m sure the devastation on his face mirrors my own.

I can’t talk. I might never speak again.

There’s even more scars. Scars that will never heal.

You skeeve me out.

I could have killed someone.

I wish I had killed myself.

“I know you’re scared… but there’s more.” He takes a shaky breath before continuing. “Pop’s gone.” My brother’s baritone voice cracks and wavers. “He had a heart attack last night, and he died before they could get him to the hospital.”

I stop breathing. Everything around me stills. The sounds and smells tunnel backward. I silently will this moment to stop, to change, to not ever exist. I refuse to breathe, because I don’t want to move to the next moment: a time where my father no longer lives.

Tor covers his face with his hands for a moment and then slowly drops them. “I wish I could stay with you, but I can’t.Mom’s not dealing well with all this… none of them are… and I need to go make the arrangements.” He rocks on his heels, his hands stuffed into his front pockets as he stares down at me, his exhausted, bloodshot eyes staying on mine, watching me absorb the worst news of my life. “I don’t have it in me to make this better for you, Ty, and I hope someday you can forgive me for that. If it’s any consolation to you, my life is ruined now, too. I can’t leave Mom and the rest of you alone. I can kiss the tour and the band goodbye.”

I blink, and a tear slips down my scarred cheek. Silent sobs rack my body long after he leaves me alone in the cold hospital room. I cry for my father, who I’ll never get to make things right with or apologize to. I cry for my mother, who lost her best friend and the love of her life. I cry for my brothers and my sister for losing an amazing father. I cry for Tor, for coming so close to his dreams, only to have them ripped away.

The faint voice that’s been whispering to me for the past two years, telling me how ugly I am and what a mess I am, finally finds its voice and screams through my soul.

This is all your fault.

I’ve never been a man afraid to cry, but right now I’m afraid I’m never going to stop.

CHAPTER 13