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Fuck, I’m good.

Dr. Alfie would be so proud.

???

“What the hell were you thinking?” I have to hold the phone away from my ear. Dr. Alfie is screaming so loudly. He’s fucking reprimanded me before, but goddamn, the man has a set of lungs on him.

“I tucked her in. What’s wrong with that?”

I mean, yes, okay. I know what’s wrong with it. But honestly, the whole situation is fucked-up. I’m not sure tucking her in and watching her sleep for twenty minutes really calls for this kind of response from one’s therapist. The therapist they are paying.

“You know damn well what’s wrong with it. Austin, you’ve worked really hard to get where you’re at. Now, you’re using your previous skill set to invade someone’s privacy. Someone you have been arguably stalking for two years.”

“Arguably, yes, but it wouldn’t be prosecutable. I looked it up.”

“Austin . . .”

I can practically see him pinching his nose in that resigned way that lets me know I’ve disappointed him. Even from a fucking basement, Dr. Alfie can make me feel a new level of low.

“I know, I know. It won’t happen again.” “I promise”is on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t bring myself to say it. I know I want to go up tonight, but it depends if she forgets to lock the door again.

“Good. Now, did you think about what we discussed yesterday?”

That’s what I like about Alfie. He takes you at your word, despite mine being worth about as much as a used tea bag. If you say you’ll work on something, he believes you. Right up until you fuck up, and then he goes over what went wrong. A little gnaw of guilt starts to build as I fully intend to go back on my word, but I squash it down. Despite his exasperation, he doesn’t hold grudges. He moves the fuck on. It is actually really fucking healthy.

“Did you think about what you want to get out of your time in the basement?”

“Yes, I want her to see me as someone she could be with.”

“Okay. And how do you plan to do that?”

“Flirt like crazy, make her see how perfect our chemistry is, how much fun we can have together. She works so hard all the time. She could use some fun in her life. I was thinking I would build the tension a little. She’s already shown me she’s attracted to me and she knows I’m attracted to her. We just need a little more anticipation and the promise of some fun so she can loosen up a bit. But just as I’m about to make a move, take a step back and tell her I wouldn’t want her to feel like she was taking advantage of me. I think the self-sacrifice will show her that I’m serious and that I want her, which will in turn make her want me even more. She’ll see me as someone who wants something long term.”

“So, to be clear, you want to manipulate her into sleeping with you?”

“What? No . . . I just need to build the tension.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you need to build the tension? You’re both already in a heightened state. Why do you feel the need to add to it?”

“I . . . I don’t know.”

“Think about it. But until then, I have a suggestion.”

My chest feels tight. Have I been playing this all wrong? After I read her journal last night, I thought she would want someone to bring some fun into her life. But Alfie is right. I have been trying to manipulate her feelings, even if it’s not for the reasons she thinks—letting me go. I’ve been doing it to get closer to her, to stay closer to her. But is that so wrong?

“What’s the suggestion?”

“When we first started our sessions, you told me that you want to be a person that is easy to love.”

“I remember,” I reply cautiously.

“If Olivia was to be loved by anyone else and be happy with them, is this the way you would want them to behave with her?”

She shouldn’t be played or manipulated. Despite my intentions and my long-term plans to be with her, she doesn’t know that.