Page 52 of The Start of Something Wonderful

The three bells ring out.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats as this evening’s performance ofAhoy There!will continue in two minutes. Two minutes please.’

* * *

Only three more sound cues to go until we reach the end of the play. Whey hey! I can almost taste that glass of chilled Sauvignon waiting for meat the bar.

‘“Rupert, I think I can see something in the distance. Could it be … could it be a ship?”’

I slowly wind the tape forward manually, in preparation for the ship’s siren, two pages of dialogue hence. Hmm. Strange. Can’t see the marker. Rewind the tape using the switch this time, and look again. No red marker. Maybe I didn’t wind it on far enough. I press the fast-forward switch.Whirr. Nothing. I press rewind. Whirr.Nothing.

I’ve found a red marker on the tape but which sound effect is it?

‘Cue ship’s siren … go!’ instructs Abi. Heart knocking against my chest, I depress the switch, keeping everything crossed … and the screech of monkeys echoes around the auditorium.

‘“Rupert, Geoffrey, it is a ship!”’

‘“We have one flare left, thank God. I’ll just goand set it alight. They are bound to see us,”’ says Rupert, exiting stage right.

The budget and fire regulations won’t allow for pyrotechnics, so Rupert has to exit stage right, cover his face in soot as the flare sound effect is being played, then reappear on stage. Terror floods through my veins. It’s like watching a train about to crash in slow motion, and not being able to do a thing aboutit.

‘Cue flare … go!’ says Abi, the tiniest hint of exasperation in her usually super-cool voice.

Nothing.

‘Cue flare … go!’

Nothing.

‘What was that noise?’ ad-libs Margo, cupping her hand to her ear.

‘What noise?’

‘I think I heard the flare.’

‘Flare?’

‘The-one-Rupert-set-alight-just-now-over-yonder,’ she says loudly, with a dramatic gesture.

Rupert eventuallystumbles back onto the stage, mouthing something into the wings. The three actors look at one another with fear in their eyes.

When will this end?After what seems an age, they start jumping up and down half-heartedly, calling, ‘“Ahoy there!”’

‘Cue ship’s siren … go!’

Silence.

Monday night’s punters are party to the rarely performed, alternative ending ofAhoy There, where thethreesome is marooned for ever. And the face blackening? Well, that has some deep, symbolic meaning, which I haven’t quite worked out as yet.

* * *

Week Five:Murder on the Tenth Floor– A Thriller

This week I’m murdered in the first half of the play, thank God. A few lines at the beginning, followed by twenty-five minutes’ dead acting, until the interval. During the break, I haveto change into my ‘blacks’ and take up the stage management duty of chief lift operator.

The play is set in a multi-storey office block. The ‘lift’ is a wooden, sliding door, painted silver. I have to squeeze in behind the scenery wall before the start of the second half, and wait for the red cue light to turn green. At Detective Inspector Lord and Sergeant Cooper’s entrance, the light comeson, and I pull the string attached to the top of the door as smoothly as I can. Then I’m stuck there until they exit, almost at the end of the play.

‘The door must positively gliiide, Emily,’ Jeremy had said. That’s all well and good, but he’s not the one squashed in there with practically no room to manoeuvre, let alone breathe.