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“No. No, you don’t. Because if you did, you would never even ask me. There hasn’t been a gala cancellation in decades and I’m not letting one happen in my first year as Godmother. I would look so weak. Insanely weak. But no one would bat an eye if I were a man. They would say he was making a smart, savvy business decision. But me? Under the microscope of every family around us waiting to see what I’m really made of? They’d scoff at my inability to lead. So no. There’s too much riding on this. The only thing that can cancel the gala is if I die!”
“And if you do?” Faina’s eyes flood with sadness. “If you push yourself too hard? Or Erik tells the truth and Viktor comes foryou? What then? What will you do to protect yourself and your baby?”
“Let him come,” I snap. “I’d like to see him fucking try.”
Faina stands and approaches me, taking my hands in hers. “I’m not against you,” she says softly. “Remember that. I just want you to take care of yourself.”
I meet her gaze. “I’ll be fine. Trust me.”
It’s a request to myself as much as it is to her. As Faina moves into the ensuite to prepare a bath for me, the silence in her absence creates space for me to think.
Tonight was a scare in more ways than one. I’m so stressed that it’s affecting my pregnancy, one I hadn’t even been sure I wanted to keep. As the weeks slipped by, I tried not to think about the life growing inside me, but the pain and the sight of all that blood made one thing clear.
I was scared of losing it.
Coming to terms with that was relatively easy until Erik announced his betrayal. He’d never been with me for me. He’d always been spying for Viktor.
Every sweet moment. Every romantic thought. Every second I felt safe in his arms.
It was all a lie.
I suddenly feel very alone.
Closing the curtains against the dark world outside doesn’t alleviate the sensation. I’m walking on eggshells, waiting for Viktor to smash down my door.
Somehow, the waiting is worse.
Every creak of the floorboards outside my door makes my skin jump. My heart races constantly, running a marathon around my chest with ease. Even the subtle shifts in the manor due to age spikes my nerves like a jolt of lightning.
Would it be ridiculous to move the dresser in front of the door?
Maybe.
Especially after telling Faina I was okay.
She stays with me while I bathe, a quiet warmth in the corner just keeping an eye on me. It helps keep the loneliness at bay for a little while as I wash away the chemical taint left behind by my doctor and her kit, as well as any lingering dried blood on my legs.
Once I have been bathed, Faina helps me to bed and tucks me in. She offers to stay until I fall asleep, but I send her away with assurances that I will take care of myself.
Then there’s just me in the vast, empty darkness of my bedroom.
Tears come quickly. Tears of pain and grief, tears of fear and betrayal.
I’d always struggled with feeling alone, but Erik was supposed to be on my side. He was supposed to be someone I could turn to, someone unexpected in a sea of hyenas waiting for me to make a mistake. I thought I’d made a good choice by choosing him to be at my side, and an even better choice when I started falling for him.
He seemed like a good, strong, decent man.
My heart hurts.
Rolling onto my side, I curl around one of my pillows and bury my face into the fabric while I sob.
His betrayal hurts more than anything else. He’s made me look stupid, and I can never forgive him for that.
All this time, he was working for Viktor.
All this damn time.
I sob myself into unsettling dreams of blood, babies, and constantly running away from something chasing me. My dreams are so unsettling that when I wake the next morning to Faina bringing me coffee, I feel like I haven’t slept a wink.