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“Of course.”

“You were just a kid.” Her voice cracks. “That’s— God, that’s unbelievable cruelty.”

I press my lips together. “It was for my safety. This world is dangerous. He wanted me to learn how to end things fast.”

She threads her fingers into mine. “But you weren’t able to then.”

“No.” The word hangs heavily. “I didn’t want to. Especially not on my first kill. And that… That was the real cruelty.” I exhale. “Now I kill with mercy.”

“Did the person… Did they beg?”

I blink, and it comes back in pieces.

The man on his knees. Dirt in his hair. His hands trembling.

He begged me to give him his phone. Not to make a call, but to show him something.

A picture of his daughter, he’d said.

My chest tightens. I remember the way my own hands were shaking, how the gun felt too heavy.

I was crying. Silent tears I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want my dad to see them. That was the real fear, and I felt despicable for it. Here this man was going to die, and I was worried about the beating I’d get. But I couldn’t help it. The tears just kept coming down. Inevitable.

I pulled the trigger then. I couldn’t listen anymore. I didn’t want to think about him ever again.

But I do think about him, don’t I?

Not conscious thoughts. Just that same sick dread I felt as I held that gun to his head. The certainty that the world is hollow and pitiless.

“They always beg.” My voice cracks, and wetness gathers at the corners of my eyes. I blink hard, trying to force it back.

God, I can’t believe this. I’m crying.

This was a lifetime ago. Why am I even talking about it? And to her of all people.

Now she’ll never love me.

Ava presses her lips to mine. She pulls back just enough for me to see that she’s crying too.

“I feel selfish.” She gulps back a sob. “For crying when this is what you had to go through.”

I stare at her, uncomprehending.

“You make so much more sense now, Damian. Why you see things the way you do. That there is no good in the world. No justice. If there was, why would an innocent kid be forced to do what you did?”

A light is turned on somewhere deep within me. I still don’t believe in good and evil. Or God. Or any other fairy tale that helps us turn our backs on what’s real.

But I believe in her.

I flip over, crushing her body with mine. “Where did you come from?”

She places a warm hand against my cheek. “I told you. Ash Hollow, Nebraska.”

I crush my mouth to hers, releasing the storm within me. When I pull away, I let out a groan. “I’m sorry, precious girl.” I kiss her cheek. Her forehead. The side of her neck. “The Sacred Light said I can keep you, and I’m going to do it. I can’t let you go.”

“I don’t want to go anywhere.”

Relief floods through me like the first breath after nearly drowning. The weight on my chest loosens, and for a heartbeat, I’m filled with light. I’ve excised something I didn’t know I was holding.