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When I finally gather myself together. I turn to Tim and my mother and say, “I’d love to meet them.” Sarah lets out a sob and I lean forward, pulling her into my arms. There’s been too much pain. We hold each other tight, my mum rocking me in her arms for the first time in twenty-two years.

CHAPTER 67

APRIL

The weekend has become so much more than I could imagine. Caleb hasn’t left my side, for which I’m grateful. I’m not sure what I would have done without him. He’s my rock, my champion. He’s listened as I’ve talked, held me while I’ve cried, most importantly, he’s been a comforting presence, making sure I’m not alone with my thoughts.

After our initial meeting, I talked to Di on the phone, and she confirmed Sarah’s story. She cried tears of joy when I told her where I was, telling me I needed to update her after the weekend and how proud she was of me. That had me crying, too. Cue more Cal cuddles.

Today, we are heading home. But first, we’ve arranged to visit Sarah and Tim at home.

We’ve talked a lot about the past, and she’s helped clarify what memories are real and what are the figments of a little girl’s imagination. Today, I’m meeting my half-siblings.

“April, do you want to come and see my dolls?” Lois says, coming to stand next to me.

“Lois, leave April alone,” Sarah says, shooting me a look of apology.

Lois is seven, and Nick is five. Their childhood is the opposite of mine. They’re being raised in a loving and stable home, but the resentment I thought I’d feel isn’t there.

“It’s fine,” I say, smiling at the younger girl who’s been eyeing me up since our arrival.

I stand up only to have my hand grabbed by a much smaller one as I’m pulled from the room. As I leave, Nick distracts Caleb with a multitude of toy cars. Looks like we both have our hands full.

Lois leads me into her bedroom. I take in the pink decor and smile.

“Is pink your favourite colour?” I ask, taking a seat on the beanbag Lois points to. Hundreds of stuffed toys and a large wooden doll’s house fill the space.

“It is,” she says, handing me a doll. “She’s my favourite, but you can play with her.”

I look up in surprise to find little eyes shining at me.

“Thank you,” I say, my chest suddenly feeling a little tighter than usual.

“My Granny, mummy’s mum, says she used to play dolls with you.Play for hours.” Lois’s words steal my breath.

Does my grandmother talk about me?

“She always gets a sad look on her face. I think she’s going to be very pleased to see you again,” Lois says, handing me a set of dolls clothes.

The innocence of the child in front of me surprises me. It’s clear I’ve not been the dirty little secret I assumed I’d be. Instead, it looks like they’ve been waiting for me to come home.

Surely not.

I sit on the floor and play dolls with my little sister for the next hour. She chats non-stop, telling me about her bestfriend, how she started dance lessons, even about a boy at school, who is a real pain. When I tell her I teach dance classes, that’s it. She gets changed into her ballet clothes and shows me what she’s been learning.

We practise some steps, and I teach her the dance I’ve been teaching the children her age. That’s how Sarah finds us.

“Ah,” Sarah says, smiling from the doorway.

“Mummy, April is a ballet teacher. She runs her own dance school. She’s been teaching me a dance she teaches her children.”

Sarah looks at me, her eyes shining with an apology, as if Lois has somehow put me out.

“She’s got all the hallmarks of being a great little dancer. Taking after her big sister,” I say, ruffling Lois’s hair, letting Sarah know everything is fine.

Sarah’s eyes well up as she looks between me and her youngest daughter.

Whatever this is between us, is going to take time. I think we both know that. There will be plenty of tiptoeing around one another. But I hope one day, we’ll be able to have some sort of relationship. I get the feeling Sarah desperately wants to make everything okay. But I can’t rush it. I can’t open myself up—it’s not who I am.