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I shake my head, my thoughts spiralling. “I don’t understand.”If she loved me, then why are we here?

Sarah takes another sip of her tea, the cup shaking so much I watch as liquid almost breaches the top. Tim takes it off her and returns it to the table. She takes in a breath, before exhaling it slowly.

“My parents offered to help me raise you. We were doing great. I went back to school after you were born to finish my studies. Mum looked after you during the day. Dad went out to work.”

She pauses and I watch Tim clasp her hand, bringing it to his lips. She turns to him and gives him a small smile.

“Then Dad got sick, and our world changed. Mum had to go out to work, and Dad was too sick to look after you. I dropped out of college again, and in the beginning we managed.” She clasps her hands in her lap and stares at them. “Foster care was only supposed to be a short-term solution. I got to see you every week. Mum and I would come and take you out to the park. We’d go shopping.”

I gasp. “I remember. The blue swings, and yellow…”

“Roundabout.” Sarah smiles. “You loved that roundabout. Faster mummy, you would say, faster.” Her smile drops. “The problem was we all had too much fun. When we took you back, you’d get distraught, crying and screaming. Dad was getting sicker, and it was not possible to have you at home, so your social worker suggested we stop the visits. That they were too traumatic for you… and your foster parents were struggling.”

A suffocating vice clamps itself around my chest as I take in her words. Someone stopped me seeing my mother because I cried. Pain like I’ve never felt before shoots through me.

As if sensing my pain, Sarah looks up and shakes her head. “It was the last thing I wanted, but I was nineteen, and they convinced me it was best for you. I left you with Mr Ted.”

My eyes fill. “I still have him,” I tell her, my voice strained.

Sarah looks up and stares at me, her own eyes glistening. “You loved that teddy. I bought it for you before you were born. It went everywhere with you.”

Cal squeezes my hand again, and I rest my head on his shoulder.

Sarah gives herself a shake before continuing.

“Dad died, and Mum went into a decline. Dad’s pension wasn’t enough to pay the bills. The social worker recommended that I return to school to complete my education. That I should try to make something of my life before I brought you back to live with me. Only when I got my education, they told me I’d need a job and a salary to support you. You’d just been moved to your second foster family.” She pauses and runs a hand through her hair, holding her head. “The problem was by the time I had all those things, you were no longer three. You were twelve. You just moved in with Di and Julian.”

I let out a sob, as I know what is about to come. “Di asked me if I wanted to see my birth mother,” I whisper, not wanting to say the words aloud. “I told her. I told her…”

“Stop!” Sarah says her eyes coming up and clashing with mine. “You don’t do that. Don’t you dare beat yourself up.” She moves, coming to squat in front of me. She looks into my eyes as she takes both my hands in hers.

“That’s why you were there. To see me?” I whisper, suddenly understanding.

“I was, and it was the best time. I loved watching you dance. You were so graceful.” Her smile is filled with warmth when she looks up into my face. “Di would let me know how things were going, exams, competitions. I think she felt sorry for me.” She drops her head. “Then my job took me away. I went to see Di, and she promised to keep in touch, which she did. She’s a wonderful woman.”

“Why the websites?” I ask. “Why did Di not just tell me herself when I reached eighteen?”

“I wouldn’t let her. If you ever asked about me, she would have told you, but when you didn’t… the lost and found websites were my best option. Tim is the one who suggested I put my details on there.” She looks over her shoulder at the man, staring at her with the same look Cal gives me. “Then, if you ever wanted to track me down…”

I sink against Cal, my hands still clasped in Sarah’s.

“I’m so sorry, April. I wish I’d been older… that things were different. I know it sounds weak and feeble, but I did what I thought was best for you. I loved you so much. I only ever wanted the best for you.”

I lift my gaze to Tim’s, and he smiles the most genuine smile. His love for Sarah shining through.

“When your mother told me she had a child and lost her, my aim has always been to help you find your way back to one another. This can’t be easy for you. I think we bothappreciate that, but we would love for you to be part of our lives.” He returns to gaze at his wife. “Build a relationship. If you want to.” He looks down at his hands, before raising his gaze to mine once more. “There is no pressure. But you have two younger siblings, who I know would be thrilled to meet their big sister.”

I let out a sob and the tears I’ve been trying to hold in, break free. My chest swells and I find myself being encased in Cal’s arms as the floodgates open. He rocks me in his hold, kissing my temple and murmuring sweet nothings. But as the tears fall I realise it’s not despair I feel, but hope. Hope for my future.

Cal wipes my tears with his thumbs and cups my face, Sarah still clutching my hands.

“April, I’m so sorry,” Tim says sounding devastated, his face white.

I look across to him and shake my head. “No, please don’t apologise. You have no idea what your words mean to me. What today has meant to me.”

I turn my head back to Cal. “The choice is yours, little dancer,” he says. “It will always be yours.”

I give him a brief nod. I let go of one of my mother’s hands and raise one of his to my lips, before dropping a kiss on his palm.