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I also wondered how many times a god could change jobs. Could Iris just decide one day to become the goddess of plant-based proteins? Could Ares give up war and become the god of knitting? I would pay real golden drachmas to see that.

“Percy?” Grover asked, letting me know I’d spaced out.

“Sorry. What?”

“You heard that, right?” he asked. “Iris was just explaining that the top is Celestial bronze, and the base is Dodonan oak.”

“Got it.” I had no idea what Dodonan oak was, but it didn’t look very sanitary. And the headpiece looked more like Celestial grunge than Celestial bronze. “So we’re supposed to deliver a message with it?”

“Oh, no,” Iris said. “Those days are well behind me. But in ancient times, I used my staff to create wonderful rainbows as I flew through the sky, traveling from place to place. I miss that....” She sighed. “I would like you to give the staff a proper cleaning. Bring it back to its former glory. I admit, I should’ve done this a while ago, but I suppose... Well, I was bitter about losing that job to Hermes.”

I thought about what she’d said before... that she hadn’t held it against Ganymede when she lost the cupbearer’s job. But losing the messenger gighadleft her bitter. It made me wonder how much we could trust this friendly rainbow grandma.

“I’m guessing we can’t just use Windex,” I said. “Or take the staff to a dry cleaner?”

“Oh, no,” she said. “It can only be washed in the River Elisson.”

Annabeth blinked. “I don’t know that one.”

“I do,” Grover said. He didn’t look happy about it. “Back in the day, the Elisson was known for its crystal-clear magical water. Supposedly it could clean anything, no matter how polluted. And... certain creatures took advantage.”

“That’s true,” Iris agreed. “The Furies sometimes bathe there. The River Elisson is the only thing that can get the stench of the Underworld off them when they have to move among mortals.”

I shuddered, thinking about my former math teacher Mrs. Dodds, aka the Fury Alecto. I did not like the image of her bathing in a river prior to teaching us pre-algebra.

“Other monsters, too,” Grover said, glancing at the staff’s snaky headpiece. “Like horned serpents.”

“Yes, very good, young satyr,” Iris said. “In fact, you must cleanse my staff in the very river where the serpents bathe.”

“And these serpents are super friendly,” I guessed.

Iris gasped. “Oh, no. They will try to kill you.” Like Hebe, she was apparently immune to sarcasm. “But be careful: you must not harm the serpents.”

“Because they’re sacred to you?”

“Not at all. However, I want this quest to be cruelty-free. You must find a way to accomplish my task without harming any creatures at the river. Good luck, demigods! Now I must return to my duties.”

A gaggle of customers descended on Iris’s booth and startedoohing andahhing over her crystals. We were dismissed. I grabbed my rainbow staff of grunge, which did not conveniently turn into a smaller form. As I walked through the market, I felt like a low-rent wizard.

“Cruelty-free,” Annabeth grumbled. “I guess that doesn’t include cruelty to demigods.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Grover said, surprisingly cheerful again. “I’ve always wanted to see the River Elisson. There’s only one problem.”

“Aside from the monsters we can’t kill?” I asked.

He waved that away. “I mean theactualRiver Elisson in Greece no longer exists. The mythical river could be anywhere. I heard that the god of the river got so disgusted with all the monsters bathing in his waters, he hid the river so it’s almost impossible to find. And Iris didn’t tell us where it is.”

“I suppose she’d say we have to find it on our own,” I guessed. “Because knowledge is valuable, blah, blah.”

Annabeth poked me in the ribs. “What we need is an upper-level water spirit to give us directions. Those Nereids and naiads all know each other. I wonder where we could find a Nereid to ask....” She looked at me pointedly.

I ground my teeth some more. “Fine. I’ll wait until Monday and ask my guidance counselor. I just hope she doesn’t flush me again.”

Reader, she flushed me.

I waited until seventh period to visit the counselor’s office, so I wouldn’t miss much school if she ejected me into the Atlantic again. At first, though, I was hopeful Eudora and I could just have a nice, calm conversation.

“Welcome, Percy Jackson!”