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It doesn’t even bother me that his hoodie is still sitting on a kitchen chair or that he bought a second charger for his laptop, which he leaves plugged into my wall. Sometimes I’ll even find his socks under the coffee table. He’s always around and I never get tired of him, which is telling because if anyone else pulled the shit he did, I’d probably never invite them back over.

I think that’s what’s worrying me so much. I’ve known him for almost a decade, and not once have I ever wanted space or needed a break from him, and he’s never mentioned wanting space from me, either. Not until tonight anyway, and I know for most people that’s unthinkable, but that’s just our norm.

I used to joke that it was because we were really compatible and that he got me in a way most people didn’t. But lately, I’ve started wondering if maybe the reason none of my relationships ever stuck is because I already give the best parts of myself to him.

It’s dumb, probably. We’re just friends. Best friends. Practically attached at the hip, but sometimes, when he’s not here, it feels like a piece of me is missing.

Why am I feeling so needy right now?

We’ve been friends since freshman year of college after we met in Introduction to Environmental Science, a random gen-ed that didn’t make sense for either of us to take, but that’s college. Ryder was a communications major with a minor in performing arts, and I was a graphic design student.

On the first day of class, Ryder dropped into the seat next to mine and immediately started making jokes about how boring this class would be, and that’s what pulled me into his orbit.

I’ll admit it—at first, I had a crush. How could I not? Ryder ishotwith his thick, unruly brown hair that always makes him look like he has perfectly styled bedhead. He’s got a sharp jawline and a short beard that really works for him, and his smile completely draws you in. It makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world. At least, that’s how I felt. And I especially like that he’s two inches taller than me. Being six feet tall, I’m used to being the one people lean on. But with him? I wanted to shrink into his arms and let him hold me close.

Then there’s his voice. It’s deep and confident, and the kind that commands attention without trying. It’s no wonder he became a narrator right after college. His voice could convince anyone of anything.

He’s the perfect package. The perfectstraightpackage. And once I learned that, I buried my crush as deep down as it would go and moved on. Or at least, that’s what I’ve always told myself, and I think I’ve done a damn good job.

Starting junior year of college, we moved in together off-campus and didn’t separate until last year, when we finally decided, mostly for the sake of other people, that maybe twenty-seven was the age to get our own places.

Truthfully, it’s the worst decision we’ve ever made. I’venever felt as lonely as I have in the past year, and it always makes the rare Friday nights we don’t spend together even harder.

It’s just one night, I remind myself. It’s not like he said he doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore.

I don’t know why my mind is spiraling so hard. Maybe the problem is that it’s been too long since I’ve let myself want anything—or anyone—outside of work and spending time with him. Maybe it’s pent-up tension and loneliness I didn’t realize I was experiencing until Ryder’s attention shifted elsewhere. Maybe I need to hook up with someone and get this feeling out of my system. Something low stakes. Just...something that reminds me I still exist outside of this friendship I’ve built my whole damn world around.

All I wanted tonight was to spend time with my best friend, and it felt like all he wanted to do was check out and go home.

Realistically, I know it has nothing to do with me, but my thoughts have a way of making it personal anyway.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out, seeing a text from Ryder.

Ryder:

Home. Night Logan

That was brief. Clearly, he doesn’t want to talk more tonight, and I don’t want to push him if he’s already feeling like he needs space.

Logan:

Night Ry

I toss my phone down on the couch next to me, but don’tmove away. I wish he’d stayed, and I wish I’d asked more questions because my mind is running wild.

I try to tell myself it’s nothing, and that he promised next week he’d be back on my couch with me, stealing the blanket, and falling asleep halfway through a movie. I think about turning on the TV, but instead, my eyes drift to a picture of the two of us at the county fair a few years ago. Ryder’s arm is slung around my shoulders, both of us laughing, and he’s holding a giant stuffed bear he won at one of those rigged basketball games. I still remember how he handed it to me with a huge grin and said, “I won it for you, obviously. For the nights I’m not there.”

I wish I knew where that thing went because I’d snuggle the fluff out of it tonight.

Yep, it’s time to open up my dating apps.Tomorrow, though, I need to get a grip first.

This level of neediness is new for me, but it’s clear I need to redirect my attention to someone I could actually have a future with, or who could at least make me come so that I can take my mind off my best friend.

By the time I head to bed and I’m almost asleep, I hear my phone buzz on my nightstand. Groaning, I reach for it, and my eyes widen when I see Ryder’s name.

Huh, that’s odd.Maybe he wants to talk about tonight after all.

I swipe to answer, putting it on speaker. “You’re not usually a late-night caller. Everything okay?”