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“Hey, girl.” I wipe my eyes and grab a carrot. As I feed her the carrot, I run my hand over her. This majestic beast that seems to connect with me, and I don’t know why.
“You’re so beautiful.” I sigh. I continue silently standing next to her, thinking about my day with Jen. I shake my head and look at Amethyst. “I don’t know what I’m doing here. Honestly, I have no idea why I’m still here. Why don’t I have what they have?” More tears break through. “Why was I given such a shitty end of the stick? My mom never talked me to me about anything! They never spared me any attention. Maybe that’s why I latched onto Mitch so fast. He was the first one to show me any amount of attention. But you know what really hurts? They didn’t believe me, or they just didn’t care. They never protected me. Why?”
I sit on a stool in front of the horse and sob.
There was never a time I could remember where I had a strong relationship with my parents, but I’m still their daughter. I was always an outsider compared to everyone else. My hair color is different, my eye color is different. I had no desire to go into business. I was the black sheep of the family, the embarrassment.
I was nothing like them.
When I went to them, to have them help me get away from Mitch, they told me I was exaggerating. I showed them bruises, and they waved me off. They continued to tell me to stop making things up, that Mitch would never do something like that.
Once Mitch found out I went to my parents to try and leave him, it all got worse. The hitting, the pushing, the comments. And I remember the exact day that he found out. I remember the day I fell out of love with him.
I was in the bathroom getting dressed to go out, and he came in raging mad. Mitch began yelling at me, asking me why I tried to stir up shit with my parents. He poked me in my chest hard, over and over. It hurt so bad that I kept backing up until I fell into the tub. I was trapped in the tub with him on top of me.
I screamed that I was sorry until my voice gave out. The bruises had me hiding in the house for a couple of weeks. I told people I had the flu.
I never went to get help again. And it’s not like I had any friends or anyone else I could’ve gone to. So, I did what I could to keep my mouth shut and formulate my own escape. There really was no one I could turn to, not even the cops. His family had police and political ties, and my parents had their own ties. I had nothing.
My mind’s a mess. Hell, my life’s a fucking train reck. I don’t even realize I’m walking until I look out and realize I’m far out from the houses. So, I just keep going. Eventually, I make it to the lake.
I fall to a sitting position and I place my head in my hands and cry. I’m so broken, so lost.
My strength’s slowly fading. Every hour of every day, I try and keep telling myself I can do this. I can be me again, my own person finally. But then everything around me just makes me realize how much I wasn’t “me” to begin with. Who was I? Do I even want to be me again?
I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting here, but I hear a truck come up behind me. Turning, I wipe my face and see that it’s Ryker.
I quickly try and make myself not look like I’ve been crying, but I’m sure my puffy red eyes will give it away. Moving my focus back to the lake, I wait for him to come up to me.
“Hey, there you are. Been trying to call you.” Ryker comes and stands in front of me. I look up and immediately, he drops to me. “Zo, what’s wrong?” He reaches out to touch my leg. A surge of electricity burns through my skin. He watches me closely, and it seems to dawn upon him that he touched me. I don’t make any move to change it, so he keeps his hand on me.
“I … just …” Shaking my head, I look down at our contact. He scoots to my side. Without saying anything, his eyes ask for permission. I nod, and his arms come around me before he pulls me into him.
My entire body feels like it’s going to combust. Every part of me that touches him tingles. Every nerve ending is firing off and sending shocks throughout my body.
As he holds me, I feel warmth, protection. I sink into his body, craving that touch, needing the safety he provides.
“You can tell me, Zo.” He pulls me back slightly so I can see his eyes. “Look, I’m going to be honest with you; that’s just who I am. Now, I know you’re running from someone. That much is clear. Let me help you; I can protect you. But you have to tell me what’s going on. I can’t help if I don’t know.” His voice is soft, so calming.
I close my eyes. “I can’t.”
“Darlin’, I’m not a fool. You’re scared. Those bruises, those cuts, those didn’t come from cleaning gutters. So, tell me. What’s going on, Zo?” Ryker pleads. There’s a pain in his eyes, and a need to fix this for me clearly burns in him.
But Ryker can’t get involved. When Mitch finds me, and I know it’s only a matter of time, he’ll drag me back to New York. Everyone else in his way be damned.
The Hollidays are good people. I don’t need anything happening to them. Until I have enough saved up and a new place to go, I need to stay detached. Except Ryker is making that really difficult.
Ryker pulls me into him tighter, and I welcome it. There’s something about the way he holds me; it’s a fierceness. His grip’s melding me to him.
“Zo, talk to me. Please. What’s going on?” He lays his chin on my head. I don’t hate that.
“Nothing. Nothing’s going on. Everything’s fine.” I shudder. I know he doesn’t buy it.
A few days ago, I was confident when I stepped out of that house. I had a plan. There was nothing that was going to stop me. No one would miss me. But the farther away I got from Mitch, the more guilt and fear crept in. He’ll find me. He’ll make me suffer.
No one should fall victim to him because of me. No one needs to hurt because of me.
I’m hopeless. I’m broken.