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But Everly didn’t sound particularly scared by the possibility. If anything, she sounded matter-of-fact about her prospects. Blue should have liked her levelheadedness. And yet he didn’t. He really, really didn’t.
She was still talking, shifting around in her seat so she could look at him. “I spent all last week acting the part of the person I used to be. One foot in my old life,with my other foot in the grave. And you know what I discovered? I don’t really want this life anymore.”
“It’s not a great time to go goth and dark, Everly. You might actually have to fight for that life you don’t want.”
She laughed. “The whole time I was in that rental car, driving all the way to Alaska, I just kept thinking I didn’t want to die. And then, once I found you, it was clear to me that whatever else happened, all I wanted was to stay alive. But then last night happened.”
He needed to stop her. He needed to cauterize this crap right now.
But he couldn’t seem to form a single word.
“That guy showed up at my office. He broke into the apartment. Then they threw a bomb through my window,” Everly said quietly. “And in the middle of that, there was you.” He assumed she must want something from him, to say it so baldly like that, but if she did, she didn’t wait for him to let her down. She kept right on going. “And I understood then. It’s not enough tonot die. It’s not even enough to justbe alive. I want to live, Blue.”
There was a tight band of emotion wrapped around his chest, digging in so it hurt, but he refused to acknowledge it. Much less release it.
He didn’t want to feel anything.
He didn’t want to feelthis.
“Everly...”
“Anyway,” she said, and a swift glance told him her attention was on the tablet, not on him. He didn’t know if that was better or worse. “The good news is that I don’t have to worry about paying rent on an apartment that no longer exists. Who cares if I quit my job?”
“Do not quit your job. Do not do anything you can’t take back.”
“It’s too late for that,” she said, and there was a certain finality in her voice. Or some kind of certainty that made all those gut instincts he prided himself on listening to go crazy. “I don’t think you can stare down your own death too long without making some changes. Do you?”
Blue didn’t want to touch that.
Hard. Freaking. Pass.
“It’s not too late,” he said again, and even he could hear that he sounded way too invested. A shade too close to desperate for his peace of mind. “The thing about staring at your own death is that, yeah, it can give you some clarity. But it also teaches you to hold on to what you have.Normalisn’t a bad word. It’s what safe looks like when it’s not being threatened.”
“Drive, Blue,” Everly said, sounding... self-possessed. Sure of herself.
And Blue didn’t know why he wanted to reach over and get his hands and his mouth on her again, almost as much as he wanted to pretend she wasn’t getting to him. Indicting him, somehow, with her quiet acceptance of all the changes in her life.
It wasn’t like Blue was any stranger to change. He’d transitioned from the SEALs to Alaska Force seamlessly. He’d been sent all over the world on active duty and off. He could situate himself wherever he landed in about three seconds and then get right to work. He was a goddamned poster boy for change.
You can change your surroundings withoutthinking twice about it,a voice inside needled him, sharp and insistent.But can you change yourself? Have you changed at all from that angry teenager who stormed off to enlist?
He realized he was rubbing the palm of his hand hard against his chest, right over his heart, and dropped it like he’d given himself a third-degree burn.
“I think you’re going to regret losing your job,” he bit out. “But it’s your life, not mine.”
“You keep saving my life,” she said in that same obnoxiously calm, certain way that was like more needles deep beneath his skin. Not a sensation he enjoyed. “In some cultures, that would make you responsible for me forever.”
“I’ll put you on my Christmas card list,” he muttered.
And then floored it.
Because whatever was coming would come. And he would handle it, because that was what he did.
And then he needed to get the hell away from Everly, for good, before she ruined him forever.
• • •
Winnetka had always been Everly’s favorite of Chicago’s North Shore suburbs.