Page 182

"But if your mind is made up, I do appreciate your doing this before it gets to be too late for me to replace you," he added.

Without saying another thing, I dropped the script on his desk and left to walk home.

Daddy didn't come to dinner that evening. When I came down I found Gisselle and Daphne sitting alone. With her eyes fixed angrily on me, Daphne quickly explained that he had fallen into one of his fits of melancholia.

"The combination of some unfortunate business ventures with the disastrous recent events have pushed him into a deep depression," she continued.

I gazed at Gisselle who continued eating as if she had heard this a hundred times before.

"Shouldn't we call a doctor, get him some medicine?" I asked.

"There is no medicine except filling his life with cheerful news," she replied pointedly. Gisselle jerked her head up. "I got a ninety on a history test yesterday," she boasted.

"That's very nice, dear. I'll be sure to tell him," Daphne said.

I wanted to say that I had gotten a ninety-five on the same test, but I was sure Gisselle, and maybe even Daphne, would interpret it as my attempt to belittle Gisselle's accomplishment, so I remained silent.

Later that evening, Gisselle stopped by my room. As far as I could tell, even though poor Daddy was quite distraught over all that had occurred, she was completely without guilt or regrets. I had the urge to scream at her and see her poise collapse! I wanted her smiles to peel off like bark from a tree, but I remained silent, afraid of only causing more trouble.

"Deborah Tallant is having a party this weekend," she announced. "I'm going with Martin, and Beau's coming along with us," she added with sadistic pleasure. She looked like she was really enjoying pouring salt on my wounds. "I know he regrets giving me up so quickly now, but I'm not going to make things easy for him. I'm going to let him turn and turn out there like a ball on a string. You know how," she said with an oily, evil smile. "I'll kiss Martin passionately right in front of him, dance so closely with Martin that we look attached.. . that sort of thing."

"Why are you so cruel?" I asked her.

"I'm not so cruel. He deserves it. Anyway, I wish I could take you to the party, but I had to specifically promise Deborah I wouldn't. Her parents wouldn't like it," she said.

"I wouldn't go if she invited me," I replied. A cynical smile twisted her lips.

"Oh, yes you would," she said, laughing. "Yes, you would."

She left me, infuriated. I sat there steaming for a while and then felt myself calm down to a quiet indifference. I lay back in my bed reminiscing and finding some comfort in my beautiful memories living with Grandmere Catherine in the bayou. Paul came to mind and I suddenly felt terrible about the way I had left without saying good-bye to him, even though at the time, it seemed to be the best thing to do.

I sat up quickly and ripped a sheet of paper out of my notebook. Then I went to my desk and began writing him a letter. As I wrote, the tears filled my eyes and my heart contracted into a tight lead fist in my chest.

.

Dear Paul,

It has been some time now since I left the bayou, but you haven't been out of my thoughts. First, I want to apologize for leaving without saying goodbye to you. The reason why I didn't is simple--it would have been too painful for me, and I was afraid, too painful for you. I'm sure you were just as confused and disturbed about the events that occurred in our pasts as I was, and probably, you were just as angry about it. But fate is something we cannot change. It would be easier to hold back the tide.

Even so, I imagine you've spent a lot of time wondering why I just upped and left the bayou. The immediate reason was Grandpere Jack was arranging my marriage to Buster Trahaw and you know I'd rather be dead than married to him. But there were deeper, even more important reasons, the most important one being that I found out who my real father was and decided to do what Grandmere Catherine had asked as a dying wish--go to him and start a new life.

I have. I now live in an entirely different world in New Orleans. We're rich; we live in a grand house with maids and cooks and butlers. My father is very nice and very concerned about me. One of the first things he did when he discovered my artistic talent was to create a studio for me and hire a college art teacher to give me private lessons. However, the biggest surprise for you to learn is that I have a twin sister!

I wish I could tell you that all is wonderful, that being rich and having so many beautiful things has made my life better. But it hasn't.

My father's life has not been smooth either. The tragedies that befell his younger brother and some of the other things that happened to him have made him a deeply disturbed and sad man. I was hoping that I could change things for him and bring him enough happiness to cure his depression and sadness, but I haven't been successful yet and now I a

m not sure I can ever be.

In fact, at this very moment I wish I could return to the bayou, return to the time before you and I learned all the terrible things about our own pasts, return to the time before Grandmere Catherine died. But I can't. For better or for worse, as I said, this is my fate and I must learn how to deal with it.

Right now, all I want to do is ask you to forgive me for leaving without saying good-bye, and ask you when you have a chance, in a quiet moment, either in or out of church, to say a little prayer for me.

I do miss you.

God bless.

Love,