Page 70 of Revelry

“So right now, you have wax—”

“Everywhere,” I confirm with a nod.

“Oh you’re so fucking screwed,” Deb says, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. “No one can help you with that. You’re just gonna have to drill a little hole to pee out of and wait until that shit wears off.”

“Thanks, Deb.”

“Wait, wait, wait, there has to be something we can do,” Coop says.

“Yeah,” Levi agrees. “I mean, it’s not like you’re not going to have sex ever again until it wears off. Like, surely there’s a way to melt it off. Coop, give me your lighter.”

“No,” I shout. “No one is taking a lighter to my vagina. I’m going to need someone to pull it off. I just can’t do it.”

“What kind of wax did you use?” Deb asks.

“I don’t know. Like an all-purpose waxing kit. I just grabbed it from the chemist when I picked up my birth control.”

“You could just cut it off,” Zed says, chowing down on another sandwich.

“You know what? It’s fine. I’ve got this,” I say, and I’m pulled back once more by Cooper’s hand on my towel. He’s managed to undo the entire thing, so if I were to move away now I’d be walking completely naked, and I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough humiliation for one day, so I stay put and give him a tired look.

“I can help you, if you want?”

“Hey, well if he’s in there helping, then I am too,” Levi says.

“Oh my god, can we please just for a second forget about your penises and concentrate on the fact that my vagina is stuck together? This is all your fucking fault. If you two hadn’t been so keen to … have sex with me I would have been fine continuing to just risk my life in the shower with a sharp razor. Instead I wanted to look nice for you.”

“You were waxing your pussy for us?” Levi says, and …is he getting misty-eyed?Jesus Christ.

“Well, I’m certainly not doing it for me. I can’t even see it without a hand mirror, so I don’t give a shit how it looks, but you two are getting all up close and personal and now my vagina is stuck together,” I whimper.

“Oh my god, if you stop talking about my brother getting up close and personal with your vag I will help you,” Deb says shrilly.

“You will?”

“If you stop talking.”

I lock my lips and throw away an imaginary key.

“Someone get me some fucking gloves. I’m about to go where no other woman has been before.”

“I don’t know, Deb. Red’s kind of adventurous,” Levi says. “How do you know she hasn’t been with a woman before?”

“I meant I’m going where my brother has been, and that thought alone makes me want to hurl. Not to mention, I get to stare at Red’s pussy while I rip the hair out by the roots. Awkward doesn’t begin to cover this.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I whisper as she urges me forward.

“You owe me,” she says, as she squeezes past, heading into the back room instead of the bathroom. “And Coop owes me too.”

“Thanks, Sis,” he says, and he softly kisses my neck before he fixes my towel and allows me to pass.

I follow her into the room. She’s typing furiously on her phone, and then she looks up at me with an impatient glower. “Strip the fucking bed sheets. I’m not touching them. Gross.” Cooper strips the sheets from the bed and bundles them off to the side.

“Coop, give me your belt.”

“Um, is that necessary?” I ask, feeling more and more uncertain as the minutes wear on. Maybe I should just wait until it wears off. When you think about it, it would keep me from sleeping with the hot rockers again.

Coop removes his belt, handing it to Deb, who passes it to me. I clutch the hard black leather in my hands, not really knowing what the hell to do with it. “You’re gonna need to bite down on that.”