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I had no idea.
I’m filled with a newfound respect for her father, one even greater than I’d already had. He’s endured one of the worst things a person could ever imagine happening, losing the other half of their heart, and he still manages to smile and tries relentlessly to make those around him smile too. Maybe if I weren’t so busy trying to keep everyone at a distance, I could pick up the pieces of myself that used to do the same—makepeople smile, laugh, and feel emotion outside of disdain, lust, or annoyance.
When time has passed and she’s stopped crying, she wipes beneath her eyes and looks up into mine. “You probably can’t tell from all the crying I just did,” she says, sniffling after letting out a choked laugh, “but I no longer blame myself. I had no way of knowing any of that would happen. None of us did. It was nobody’s fault, but it was the cards we were dealt. Sometimes, terrible things happen to good people, and that’s all there is to it.”
God, this woman is sostrong.It’s no wonder her age has never deterred me. I’d expected to feel weird about being intimate with her like this, but so far, I haven’t. She’s had to grow up too fast. But I’m grateful she’s here with me, safe in my arms.
“Thank you for sharing that with me,” I tell her, kissing the top of her head. The same thing I’d done just minutes ago, an action so intimate, but it feels right.
“Thank you for telling me about Carlos,” she whispers.
“Will you show me, sometime?” I ask, then clarify. “Can you help me figure out how to deal with the guilt?”
She nods, and I feel the movement against my chest as she squeezes me tightly to her. “I can’t say I’m the best at it. I think I’ve managed to turn a lot of my guilt into the general shitty attitude I know youlove,” she says sarcastically, but the frightening thing is thatI’m not sure she’s wrong. Though “love” probably isn’t the right word for it. “But I’m willing to try.”
We spend the rest of the night like this, tucked away from the world in one of our own creations.
CHAPTER FORTY
TUESDAY, MAY 13
Elise hasn’t contactedme since she left my flat the other night, and I’m afraid we may have crossed over into emotional territory she wasn’t comfortable with. That wet blanket that grabbed her wrist the other day seemed awfully taken with her. Could she have given him another chance?
So early on in our arrangement, and we’re already breaking rules. Jealousy was most certainly not in the terms of engagement.
A heavy sigh leaves my lungs as I sink into my couch cushions, propping my feet up on the coffee table. Rather than bottle my feelings up, thinking up the worst possible scenarios,I’m going to do the adult thing, the thing Carlos would urge me to.
You seemed frustrated at practice today. Need to work it out?
Alright, I said “adult” but this is halfway there, surely.
Sunshine
Care to explain what the point of code names is if you’re going to message me things that only you would know?
Just answer the question.
Sunshine
I don’t have time. This assignment is kicking my ass.
What class is it for?
A better question would be what her fucking major is. I’m such a shit for not knowing something so simple about her. I bury my dick in her, make her relive the shittiest day of her life, unknowingly exploit her fear of heights, and can’t be bothered to know what she’s in uni for? I’m such a twat.
I’m also a soppy git; the fear that she was ignoring me dries up. From the sounds of it, she’s been busy, and I might have to dwell on that a bit later to work throughwhyI care.
Sunshine
Sports marketing.
Come over. I can help.
Sunshine
I don’t think your dick is going to somehow provide clarity on the topic of marketing sporting events, but thanks for the offer.
Such a cheeky thing.