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All she knew was that in that moment, she felt like he was anywhere but in that room with her, and there was nothing she could do about it.
“When I told you about the fight Petra and I had, I didn’t tell you everything.” He stared at his feet and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I left something out.”
“Okay,” she said softly.
“Petra lied to me.” He blew out a puff of air. “During our argument, I left the room because I was afraid I would say something I might regret. I do that sometimes.”
“Everyone—”
“If you want to hear this, you’ve got to be quiet.” He lifted his gaze, and it bored into her like a freezing iceberg.
She nodded.
“I wanted kids. I mean, so did she, but we weren’t exactly on the same timetable. So, when I stormed off to the bedroom to pack, I stumbled onto something she’d been keeping from me for a few months.”
A million things ran through Trinity’s mind. Like, were they trying, and she was secretly taking birth control? But instead of asking, she kept her mouth shut. Only that thought reminded her of something incredibly important. Really important.
Her pills.
They were still back at her place. Keaton hadn’t brought them over when he’d picked up her stuff. She’d asked him to grab the packet in the bathroom, but he’d forgotten, and now they’d just had unprotected sex. Well, crap.
She pushed that thought from her brain and focused on Keaton.
“When I pulled the document from the drawer, I wasn’t sure I was reading it correctly. But sure enough, Petra had an abortion and didn’t tell me.”
“Oh my God,” Trinity whispered. “I’m so sorry.” What else was she supposed to say? That bitch? No, she couldn’t say that. It was Petra’s body, and she still didn’t know the entire story. Didn’t know Petra’s side. Didn’t even really know his side.
Keaton ran his fingers through his hair. “I was pissed. Not that she’d had one, though I wasn’t happy she had. However, to this day, I’m not sure what angered me more in that moment—that she had the abortion or that she hadn’t trusted our relationship—our love—enough to tell me she wasn’t ready to be a mother.” He lifted his gaze. “Or was it that she hadn’t believed I was ready to be a father? And I’ll never know the answer.”
Oh boy. That was a lot to unpack. She needed to choose her words carefully, and the only thing she had was her own experience, which wasn’t anything like his, but it was something.
“An unplanned pregnancy isn’t easy to deal with for anyone,” Trinity said. “And I was in a shitty relationship.”
Keaton sighed, nodding. “The bottom line is, I never got to tell her that I loved her. And that I forgave her, even though, to this day, I still struggle with why she couldn’t tell me, and for me, that will always be the rub. It always sends me down a path of wondering if maybe I loved her more than she loved me. Or if I didn’t understand her. What if?—”
“Keaton, you need to stop doing that.” She patted the bed. She wasn’t sure if telling him about what happened with her mother, with her miscarriage, or both would be the right thing. But she needed to do something. The poor man was torturing himself for something he had no control over.
“It’s kind of hard when I can’t have a conversation with her.”
“Well, imagine being able to have that conversation and still not getting an answer.” She tilted her head. “My turn to talk. Your turn to listen. Now sit.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He sat on the side of the bed, but the distance between them couldn’t have been greater. Well, she’d forced him to tell her all because she hadn’t wanted to face her demons.
“I’m going to tell you two stories?—”
“Two?” He stared at her with wide eyes.
She nodded. “I’ll do my best to make them brief.” She tucked her hair behind her ears. “My mom got pregnant shortly after my dad moved us back to Calusa Cove. My dad was thrilled. Another kid to spoil. My mom thought a second child might make this town bearable. She also thought it might be the thing that got my dad to leave.Anyway, the pregnancy wasn’t easy, and my mom had a stillbirth.”
“That’s terrible. I’m so sorry.”
“It was god-awful,” Trinity agreed. “We were all heartbroken. But my mom was devastated, and she took it out on me. Still does.”
“Excuse me?” Keaton blinked. “I don’t understand.”
“The way my mother sees it is, if I had never been born, my dad would never have moved back here, and she would never have lost her second child.” Trinity pursed her lips. Her heart still broke for her mom, her dad, and for that child. But it was hard to feel more than apathy for a woman who didn’t care about her own daughter’s well-being.
“But you had nothing to do with it. You didn’t cause it. No one can honestly hold you accountable.”