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“What is it?” I called over, unease prickling along my back. Nobody, especially a convicted murderer who couldn’t seem to stop staring at my face, should look that damn happy.

“I have a proposal for you,” the slightly insane-looking green guy said excitedly, practically sprinting back to me. It was impressive how easily he could make that big body move so quickly, though I did notice a slight awkwardness in his gait. A limp, it looked like.

My hammer didn’t land on his foot too, did it? Or maybe an older injury? As he approached, I made careful note of it, in case it was something I could use against him if it came down to it. It seemed more and more likely I’d need to. The guy was so deliriously joyous about something it looked like he was fucking high.

It could not be normal.

“A proposal,” I echoed guardedly, my eyes narrowed.

“Yes!” he said, coming to a stop before me. That dreamy, drugged-up smile was still stretching his face to its limits.

There is definitely something wrong with him. Maybe I did give him a serious head injury…

“It would allow you to remain here long enough to fix your ship.”

Did I say there was something wrong with him? I take it back. This is the best alien murderer with a possible concussion that I’ve ever met. I love you, you weird, mouse-eared, dark-haired, jolly green stranger!

“Really?” I breathed. I hated to admit it, but my voice actually cracked with emotion on the word. I hadn’t cried since Aunt Anjali died ten years ago, and while I didn’t plan on starting now, it was tough to hold back the tsunami of emotion his words had sent crashing down on me. “How? What do I have to do?”

Warden Tenn had joined us by this point. I was so elated by what the green guy had just said that I didn’t let myself worry about the way the warden appeared to brace himself for some sort of impact.

“All you have to do,” the green Zabrian said, still giving me that gigantic smile, his eyes intense and white upon my face, “is marry me.”

Holy Terra.

Everything slowed to surreal stillness.

Green guy smiled. Warden Tenn cringed. In strangled silence, I looked around for cameras, trying to figure out if I’d just been shoved into some new god-awful prank show livestream.

No cameras. No hidden audiences waiting to jeer. Nothing but the three of us in this beautiful alien valley, the words “marry me” scarred into the air like someone had written them with an Old-Earth sparkler.

“Did he…” I looked at the warden for a reality check. He’d struck me as arrogant but ultimately reasonable in our earlier exchange. If I was hallucinating, surely he’d tell me.

“Yes, he said, ‘Marry,’” the warden confirmed with a sigh. “No, you may not have your weapon back.”

“Oh! I am sorry,” green guy said hurriedly. “I am doing this all wrong.”

“OK,” I said with a stab of relief. “Good! Because for a second there, I was worried that-”

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to finish my sentence, because with terrifying quickness, the Zabrian male before me bent his big body and…

Got down on one knee.

He fiddled with something in his pocket, then pulled out what appeared to be a large, dark metal ring, about the size of a bangle.

He held it up with a disarming combination of shyness and eagerness. Which was scary, considering I’d already been literally disarmed.

Things were getting weirder by the second.

That weirdness came to a feverishly bonkers climax when the guy cleared his throat and, with a solemn gravity in his voice that seemed at odds with the smile on his face, said, “Will you marry me?”

I blinked. Then, I reached up to rub at my eyes so hard that hexagons of bright colour danced behind my eyelids. When I opened them again, nothing in the scene had changed. The Zabrian was still down on one knee, holding up a metal ring ten times too big to fit on anyone’s finger, fucking proposing to me.

“How did you even have a ring ready for this?” I stammered. It may not have been the right size, but there was no doubting the fact that this guy seemed to have had it ready for a proposal, even though no one knew I’d be coming here today.

Ididn’t even know I’d be coming here today!

Why am I even bothering asking questions? Just say no!