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“You forget I was there for all those moments too. And you know what I see? After all those moments, I landed on you.”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to be the girl that you love because you finally came around. Or because you’re sick of messing around and you want to settle down with a safe bet. I want to be the girl you burn for. I want you to love me and need me with the same desperate hunger that I feel for you.”

“I do! I’ve spent my whole life needing you. So at seventeen I wasn’t ready to be a man who could take care of you? I couldn’t say yes to a relationship until I knew we could make it last. It had to be forever with you, Ruby.”

I feel like I’m sinking, but I will his words to do nothing more than scratch the surface of my heart. If we wanted forever, we should have stopped at friendship. “I don’t want you to take care of me. I want to be able to take care of myself, and I have to figure out how to do that. Right now I’m not—I’m not strong enough.”

“That’s not true. You’re stronger than anyone I know.”

“No, I’m not. I’m not even strong enough for this.” I gesture hopelessly at the space between us. “For us.”

He puts his arm around me. His touch is pure comfort. “Come on. We’re doing this together. Between you and me, we’re strong enough.”

“Lorenzo, you know me. I’m jealous and messy and I compare myself to everyone. And right now, with the doubts in my head, I don’t know how I’d survive all the things that are going to try to break us apart.” I have to pull away from him. “You deserve someone who can withstand that. And no matter how much I want that someone to be me, I’m not there yet.”

He’s silent for a moment. When he finally speaks, his voice is brittle and cold. “So that’s the end?”

“We’re still who we’ve always been. Friends.” What a sad, empty word that suddenly is.

He lifts his chin like he’s taking in the full weight of what I’m saying. Then he shakes his head, his gaze hardening over. “No.”

“No?” I repeat.

“No, Ruby. There’s no going back to how it was.”

“So you won’t give me your friendship if I don’t give you a relationship?”

“That’s right.”

I stare at him, numb with disbelief. “Lorenzo.”

“I mean it. I’m not going to spend the next year playing pretend. And you know what? There’s no way I can sit back andwatch myfriendbe degraded and controlled by her parents. I’m not doing that.”

“So if I don’t live exactly the way you want me to, I’m cut out of your life?”

He shrugs. “I’m not telling you how to live. Do what you want. Take the job, move away. Give up on us and pretend you didn’t crawl into my bed and kiss me that night, hoping it would last forever.”

“I already did give up, Lorenzo. I’m giving you up before it’s too late.”

“Of course you did—all you ever do is give up! You make excuses every time things get hard, and you go feeling bad for yourself instead of fixing it.”

I swallow, stunned. “I thought that’s what you loved about me,” I say coldly.

“I thought so too.”

In an instant I’m boiling with anger. “Of all the stupid shit we’ve done, Lorenzo, this—thinking we could ever be together—was the stupidest.”

He pulls back, his eyes narrowing on me. “No, it isn’t,” he says quietly, but I know that tone of voice. That’s the tone he uses when he’s trying not to believe what you’re telling him.

“It is. It was never really about who said I love you when or who said it first. Look at us, Lorenzo. We’re best friends and we love each other and we live two blocks apart, and we still can’t make this work. This should be the easy part.” Tears threaten to choke me. “Maybe our friendship could withstand whatever happens next year, but our relationship never would have.” I turn on my heel and hurry toward my house, hoping to god he doesn’t say anything else to break me. But no such luck.

“Bullshit. I know you better than anyone ever will,” he calls after me. “You’re never going to convince me you didn’t want forever with me.”

FORTY-FIVE

lorenzo

For daysI’ve thought about all the options available to me while lying in bed at night and doing absolutely nothing about them.