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I heard feminine laughter drifting out of the trailer and something inside me rejoiced as much as it squeezed in pain and longing. Tenleigh.

Half agony, half hope.

Half pain, half ecstasy.

Half grief, half joy.

Half my downfall, half my savior.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Tenleigh

“Why are you avoiding me?” I asked.

Kyland whipped his head around, a look of surprise on his face. “Tenleigh, Jesus, you scared me.”

I thought of those first few times he’d startled me in the same way, and my heart dipped. I felt like I was losing him. We’d both been busy lately—and I’d been working at least three times a week, which was good, but as the weeks passed, it had become clear that us not seeing each other as much was purposeful on his part. I looked at him expectantly until he pursed his lips and let out a breath.

“I just have so much to do…finals coming up, figuring out what to do with my house, all the stuff…” He trailed off.

“You’re avoiding me,” I asserted.

He looked away for a few moments as if gathering himself, but for what, I didn’t know. “Tenleigh,” he said, “don’t you think it’ll be easier if we—”

“If we what?” I demanded. We were standing on the trail that led to the main road near the top of the hill, the back way he’d been taking home from school for almost a month now. I looked down at my feet when he didn’t answer. “I miss you. We have so little time together. And things are so unclear…” I shook my head. “Neither one of us knows what’s going to happen, and maybe—”

“I’m leaving. That’s what’s going to happen. Did you think this thing between you and me, that it would change my mind somehow?”

I couldn’t help wincing. “No. That’s not what I thought. But I never expected…I never—”

His eyes flared as he seemed to recognize where I was going with my words. He advanced on me, his body moving into my space until he stood directly in front of me. “Don’t,” he said almost pleadingly. “Don’t. Please don’t.”

I lifted my gaze, gathering all my courage, refusing to back down. “I never expected to fall in love with you. And I thought maybe…”

…you could love me back. Even if you leave. You could leave loving me.

His body was utterly still. Somewhere overhead a hawk called out and the breeze ruffled the trees surrounding us. And still his eyes held mine.

He cursed under his breath and then his lips were on mine, his tongue hot and demanding as it parted my lips and plunged into my mouth. It wasn’t exactly the answer I was hoping for, but it was something. Not enough, but something.

Kyland broke away, breathing hard and gripping my head in his large hands. He pressed his forehead to mine and we just breathed together for a minute.

“I’m going camping tonight.”

“Camping?” I repeated. That hadn’t been the response I was expecting.

He pulled away. “Yeah. My family, we…it was something we used to do on my birthday every year. I used to like it—we’d go up to this field filled with lavender and”—he ran his hand through his hair, taming it—“anyway, I’ve kept doing it every year.”

I nodded. “I know where you’re talking about. It’s where I collect the lavender I use to make that tea…and those sachets…” I trailed off. This felt so awkward and I wanted to cry. Oh, Kyland, I already miss you desperately and you’re not even gone yet. I stared down at my feet.

He was squinting up at the sky. I watched him, and after a moment, he lowered his eyes to mine. There was something wild and raw in his expression, but he just stood there looking at me for a second before he grabbed my hand and started walking toward home. It felt like it’d been so long since he’d touched me. His hand felt warm and solid in mine. Still not enough, but something. And what a pitiful thing to accept. This was all so messed up.

He’s been pulling away from me to make it easier. And yet pulling away has only made it hurt more.

We walked in silence, my heart hurting and Kyland seeming to grow more tense by the moment. He didn’t let go of my hand when we passed my trailer and so I continued on with him until we got to his house.

I didn’t know whether I wanted to cry or throw something, but the sorrow I’d been feeling for weeks now was suddenly heating inside of me to a bubbling anger.

I told him I love him and he hasn’t said it back.

Kyland let go of my hand and opened the door to his house. I walked inside with him, not even understanding why I was there.

When I got inside, I gasped, the anger flowing out of me to be replaced with shocked pain. There were boxes piled everywhere and the wood stove that had sat in the middle of the living room was gone. “What? I don’t… where’s your stove?”