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“Put me down.” I laugh as my feet hit the ground. He smiles at me, moving my hair away from my cheek. We’ve been seeing each other for a year now.

“What do you say, Bex? Move in with me?”

I swallow, stopping my mind from thinking about anything but this moment, but it doesn’t listen. It’s been three years since I’ve touched Danny, but I still think about him. Even now, as the man who clearly loves me more than anything asks me to share a home with him. He notices the hesitation.

“I can make you happy. Just let me.”

“Can we please get back in the car. We need to go,” Danny says, bringing me back to the now.

Defeated and knowing I have no other choice right now, I nod, keeping my distance from him.

Once in the car, my thoughts start to wander.

“Why haven’t the police contacted me?” I ask as Johnny hits the gas.

“They don’t need to.”

“Surely they have questions.”

“They did, but they don’t now.”

“Why?”

He sighs. “Because I took care of it.”

“You took care of it? What does that mean?”

“It means I paid them off. I don’t need them investigating it.”

“They can help,” I say. He laughs and it infuriates me. “What the fuck is so funny, Danny?”

“What’s so funny?” he asks condescendingly, looking over at me.

“Yes.”

“What’s so funny is the cops are worse than the bad guys. At least the bad guys show you who they are. Cops hide behind their badge, pretending to be angels, but they’re wolves in sheep’s clothing.

“They confiscate drugs, money, and weapons from the crooks, making the good citizens of America think they’re getting it off the streets, but you know what they do, Bexley? They cut the drugs and sell it back to the drug dealers at a higher price.

“They keep the dirty money so they can give their kids a good Christmas and please their wives with jewelry and nice shit. They sell the guns on the black market.

“There’s no good guy in this, love. The world is a corrupt place. Everyone is out for themselves. Money talks, and it reveals who people really are. They can’t help us, and I don’t want them to.”

“You’re wrong. There was a good guy and he’s the one dead.”

Danny flinches. It’s faint, but I see it. He may know more about the dark side of the world than I do, and maybe that makes me a little naïve, but I know there are still good people out there and now we’re one down. I feel so hopeless.

I have so many regrets. I just wish I had the chance to make things right. I wish I had been more honest with Samuel. I wish I loved him like he did me. I wipe my face and look out the window as the snow continues to cover the ground. The sun beams off of it, blinding me.

The sun reflects off the puddle of water outside. I stare out the window of our home. A little drunk, because today was a rough day.

Paul’s kid had a birthday party, and I had to be in the same room with Danny. I felt him watching me, lurking in the corner. I felt hot and flustered about it. I don’t know why. I found myself wishing for a different life, wishing I was married to him, wishing I was going home with him.

I’d dart my eyes in his direction, and the fierceness there had butterflies soaring in my gut. I needed something. Release, I don’t know. I needed him. It’s been so long since I felt his rough touch, heard his deep whisper in my ear. Samuel is good, but Danny…Danny is sin and always tasted like a high I could never come down from.

I excused myself from the couch where I sat with Ellen, Paul’s wife. Walking past kids in the hallway, I smiled at Samuel as I walked by the kitchen where he and Paul talked. I kept going until I was outside, breathing in fresh air and trying to control this feeling. I’d been around Danny a handful of times over the years, but today…I don’t know. It’s different. I found myself more drawn to him than I could stand.

I walk around the shed, grabbing a cigarette from my purse. I’m not a big smoker. It’s what killed my mom, but sometimes it releases stress. Sometimes it makes me feel closer to her. Closer to Danny. I don’t know. I light the thing, exhaling and holding it away from me so I don’t smell.