Page 83

But you didn’t have to dance.

But your friends were prettier than you.

My mind is swimming with so many “buts” that by the time she actually continues talking, I don’t catch what she says.

“Wait, sorry, what did you say?”

“I said, ‘Congratulations on the win.’ You were far better than anyone else in that competition. Honestly, some of the others had zero talent. I questioned the judging calls on that show sometimes.”

“Wait,” I say again. I know I’m probably just asking for it now, but I can’t help but prolong this moment. “You liked my performance?”

“Yes. I thought it was very... innovative. That Bora gave you such a hard time, but Gary was right. You’re the one that took the initiative to bring in your friends and include dance choreography.”

“And you liked my dancing?”

Mom stills. I know I’ve pushed my luck too far. All my walls come back up again.

“You’re a good dancer, Haneul,” she says finally. Her voice is tense, like she’s trying extra hard to keep a neutral tone. “You always have been. Besides, you did what you promised you would do. You showed me and everyone else in the world that you could win this. And here we are now. Congratulations. Your dad and I both voted for you.”

“Thanks.”

Whenever I pictured this moment, I always imagined a big, shameful look on my mom’s face, counterbalanced by my own smug grin. But instead of feeling smug, I still feel pretty sad.And Mom looks anything but ashamed. She actually looks kind of proud of me, in her own restrained kind of way.

Everything still feels surreal, like I’m not really awake. And this conversation seems more fake than me winning the competition.

“I do admit that I was very hard on you,” Mom continues when I don’t say anything else. “I always wanted perfection from you, I admit that. And you’re right, part of that has to do with my own upbringing and the things I experienced as a child. Your dad and I actually had a long conversation on the phone about this before you came home.”

I half expect her to apologize for all the cruel things she’s said to me in the last couple of years. But she resumes gardening like I’m not there.

I’m about to go back inside when she asks, “So, when is your flight to Korea?”

“Not until summer. I think they’re trying to be considerate of students like me.”

“Good. Now you can focus on school. But you know, if the training goes well, you might have to stay in Korea long-term. You know that, right? Then, you’ll probably have to be homeschooled or transfer to one of the high schools near the company as you continue your training.”

My heart beats faster just thinking about it. Living in Korea long-term is something I never even thought of in my wildest dreams. But it’s a new adventure I’m ready for. “I know.”

She looks back at me again. There aren’t tears in her eyeslike there are in mine, but her expression softens a tiny bit.

“Like I told you before, Iamproud of you,” she says. “I’m sorry if I ever sounded like I was otherwise.”

Part of me knows she’s only saying all of this now because I won, but I just decide to take it as it is. Maybe I didn’t need her approval, after all. I know my worth, now more than ever. If this is all I’m ever going to get from her, then so be it.

“Thanks,” I say again.

I don’t say, “Thanks for believing in me,” or “Thanks for always being there for me,” because we both know those words would just be lies. That’s not the kind of relationship I have with Mom. It’s time that I finally accepted it.

Chapter Thirty-Six

THE NEXT MORNING, HENRY SURPRISES ME BYshowing up at my house.

“We’re going to Santa Monica.”

“What, really? But it’s still really cold out.”

I don’t mention it, but even the slightest mention of the beach brings back painful memories of Mom telling me I should have gotten a “summer body” before I went down to the beach.

He rolls his eyes. “It’s sixty degrees. In non-SoCal measures, it’s perfectly good weather. Besides, it’s not like we’re going into the water. It’ll be fun, I promise.”