Page 21

“I know you have shit to say, so say it. I can take it.”

Bold words from a guy who spent half the night sobbing into a bottle.

The sun warmed Sully’s skin, enhancing the rich umber color in her cheeks and the mahogany of her lips as they twisted into a frown.

“I don’t want to be the reason…” She trailed off, drew a breath, and tried again. “If I pushed you into something…” When that attempt failed as well, she frowned and settled to say, “Loren asked me to protect you.”

I snorted. “Fuck him.”

Sully glanced over, her dark eyes wide and somehow also scolding. “I can’t imagine you mean that any way but literally.”

I didn’t mean it, but I was angry. Mad at Loren for how he had handled things in this lifetime and so many others. He thought he was taking burdens away from me but, in doing so, he took control, as well. He rendered me ignorant and helpless, so I was forced to rely on him. And I did. I trusted him implicitly, but it turned him into a martyr, throwing himself into danger for my sake. I resented that, and it scared me to think he might resent me for it, too.

“I want you to come to work with me today.” Sully’s statement pulled me from thought. “And every day,” she added. “You’re gonna earn back the cost of that wine you drank.”

Drank, then wasted by vomiting it back up.

“And I’m taking you to your meetings from now on.” She laid her hand on my knee. “I’ll even sit with you if you want.”

The offer stalled me. As alone as I felt in that community center room, Sully’s was not the company I wanted. She had done her best the past few weeks to fill a void she just didn’t fit, and I didn’t have it in me to pretend she did.

“I was thinking Loren could take me…” My protest wisped away on the breeze as my fingers curved around the milk glass, letting it cool my clammy palm.

Sully seemed to sense my hesitation, and she saw straight through to the fear at the core of it. She slid her arm around my shoulders and tugged me close. “When he gets back, I’m sure he will. I bet he’ll hold your hand and everything.”

Tipping my head onto her shoulder, I huffed a laugh. “Not likely in front of a bunch of strangers. You’d think we were the only gay men in New York the way he carries on. Like it’s the 1950s…”

Loren might have been prudish in public but, when we were alone, he fawned over me. His constant contact, affectionate glances, and sweet smiles made my heart skip. In bed at night, he held me close, tucked into him and treasured. Unbelievably adored.

In this lifetime, we hadn’t had much of that. Things had been strained since my overdose. Looking back, I saw how hard it was after every rebirth. My shy, sad boy retreated into himself like my deaths were a personal affront. He grieved me over and over, and now I felt a measure of that loss.

“I miss him,” I said.

If I were a broken record, that would be the name of my title track.

Sully snugged her arm tighter around me. “I know, sweetheart.”

We considered the sunrise in mutual quiet. We had hours left till we could call on Moira and, while working in the gallery was better than swinging my legs off the fire escape until evening, waiting was misery.

“She said she doesn’t want my tears,” I mumbled.

Worse than that, she’d laughed at the thought. Laughed atme.

Sully polished off her coffee, then rested the mug on her thigh. “She said she would consider it. And she might have been bluffing.”

“What if she wasn’t?”

“Then we’ll try something else,” Sully replied.

“Wehavetried something else.” I wrung my hands around the milk glass. “We’ve triedeverythingelse.”

I faced forward, watching a flock of pigeons land on a nearby highline. I wanted to be higher than this, farther away. Elevated enough to make the world and its problems seem small. On the ground, or three floors above it, the bad things felt so much bigger than me. Towering, and I was caught in their shadow.

“Indy?” Sully prompted.

My head cocked toward her. “Yeah?”

She stood, dusted down her front, then held out her hand. “Let’s get some breakfast and go to work.”