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Lola spent the entire drive fighting back tears. Aly had been so cutting out of nowhere. After Lola had spent all weekend sucking up to her friends, it didn’t seem fair to be treated like that. She was disappointed in Aly, but more than that, she was disappointed in herself.Because the whole point of coming out to the Hamptons was to figure out who she was. And instead of doing that, she’d just jumped into an Aly vortex, where there was perhaps no room for her at all.

When they pulled into Aly’s driveway, Aly finally faced her.

“Lola, I’m so sorry,” she said. “Sometimes I do this thing where I push people away.”

“No shit,” Lola said, her arms folded across her chest.

“Please, listen to me,” Aly said. “It’s always been easier for me to do the hurting than to get hurt. And you could really hurt me if you wanted to.”

“Great. So you decided to go first.”

“It’s what I do. But I’m trying to change. I want to change. I want to be a better person for you.”

Despite herself, Lola’s anger lifted an inch. It made sense. It was Aly’s reputation, after all.

“We’ve got a good thing going, Carter. Don’t ruin it.”

“I know. I don’t want to.”

They kissed, and Lola pulled away first. “I think we both need some alone time,” she said. “Come find me tomorrow.”

“I will,” Aly said and kissed her again.

***

As soon as she got inside, Lola let the tears fall. Slowly first, hot, thick drops dragging sunscreen down her face, and then harder as she sat down on her suitcase and began to sob. Everything that had been building all weekend came rushing to the surface—every snide comment, every dynamic she didn’t understand, every single time someone reminded her that they all had something in common with each other and not with her.

“Lola?” Ryan was running down the stairs. He knelt beside her and put his arms around her. “What the fuck happened? Were the lesbians mean to you?”

“How did you know?” she said, laughing through her tears.

“Aly too?”

Lola nodded and sniffled. “She didn’t mean to be, though.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “I’m sure. SoThe L Word Takes Long Islandwasn’t a dream, huh?”

“How long have you been waiting to make that joke?”

“Since the moment you left.”

Lola wiped the last of her tears on the bottom of her T-shirt. “They gave me a lot of shit for being straight. Or for being bi. Or for not being gay. It was actually really hard to follow what they were giving me shit for in the end. And I thought Aly was on my side, but then when we left, she totally laid into me about it. And I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life, and it’s like I don’t even really care because I just want to be doing whatever it is with her, you know?”

Ryan stood up and pulled her with him. “I hope you didn’t let it get to you. You’re allowed to just enjoy your new situationship without turning it into an identity.”

“That’s what I think!” she cried. “Why do I need a label? What does it mean if I’m just attracted to attractive people?”

“Honey, I think it means you’realive,” he said, putting his arm around her.

She rested her head on his shoulder.

She wished being alive didn’t have to be so painful.

Chapter 12

When Aly didn’t respond to her first text, Lola wasn’t all that worried, even though they hadn’t spoken for twenty hours—a new record for them. Lola was surprised to find she really missed her.

The previous night, after she’d stopped crying about Fire Island, she and Ryan had caught up onLove Islandfor more hours in a row than she cared to count. She’d finished off a bottle of red wine while Ryan sipped a single beer. She had no memory of him going to bed; at some point, she simply found herself alone. She then ordered a whole chocolate cake on Postmates and ate most of it.