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“But that isn’t what you have todo,” he said with emphasis; I guessed to break through my panic, only it wasn’t working.

“Isn’t it?Then what are we supposed to do?Because I can’t go in there!You saw what happened.If I go anywhere near Vegas, there will be more of thosethings...hundreds more, maybe thousands!And no, I can’t take them all, but I could takesome, hanging around the edges, waiting until one or two were alone, and then—”

“Cassie.”

“—when I’m more powerful, take more at a time.Because I canshift, Pritkin!With my power restored, I can use the Pythian spells, which aren’t just Pythian spells!I needed the Pythian power to fuel them once, but I cando them alone; my mother’s blood sees to that!I think that’s why she was so powerful; she could shift away from her enemies, too.Taking all she liked, gorging herself on their power until reinforcements came, then shifting away.Not all the gods can do that; maybe most can’t!But I can; I just proved it by getting us all here.And I could do the same thing.I could be just like her!”

Pritkin hadn’t tried to break in again; he’d just let me talk.I finally stopped, panting and terrified and desperate, not knowing where to turn.Until he focused my attention back on him, grasping my face in his hands and pulling our heads together.

“Youaren’tlike her.”

“Not now, maybe!But yousaw—”

“I saw youstop.I saw you use up all that power, give away all that advantage, and instead decide to rescue us.And more than just us.You took them all, even the men who had just been trying to kill you, who had broken their oaths and turned on you, the one person able to stop all of this.”

His voice hadn’t risen, but it had hardened, and I wondered what he’d said to his fellow war mages when I wasn’t there.Nothing good, probably, which wasn’t fair.I’d done worse to them.

“I killed them,” I whispered.“I killedwar mages—”

“You protected yourself—”

“I killed them!And I didn’t care!”I tore away, stood, and then whirled on him because I didn’t have anywhere else to go.And because he needed to get this.“Do you understand?They were nothing to me!I didn’t even think about them.If they lived, if they died, if they burned to death screaming—it wasnothingto me!”

“And yet you stopped.”

“Because you asked me to!You and Mircea—”

“And you listened—”

“Barely!”I stared at him.He had no idea how close it had been.No idea at all.

I sat back down, feeling shaky and unwell.Pritkin wisely did not reach for me again, but he was listening.And waiting because he wanted to understand.

It was something.I just didn’t know if it would be enough, if I could make him get this.Especially when I didn’t want to!

“Pritkin, I’ve...had problems with addiction before.The Tears of Apollo…” I stopped because I’d never told him this.Never let him know just how bad it had been.“It’s supposed to be used for emergencies, to increase our stamina and let us channel more of the power, but I…”

I stopped and licked my lips.He thought I was so strong, but the opposite was true.I’d bent the rules so many times, and not just out of necessity.

Not even close.

“You were under an immense amount of stress,” he said.“It wouldn’t be a stretch to call your entire reign an emergency.”

“Yeah.That’s what I told myself.”I paused and then came out with it because I might be a lot of things, but I wasn’t going to be a coward, too!

“I started mainlining the stuff,” I said flatly.“I was using bottles per week—multiple ones.”

“What?”He blinked because, no, he hadn’t known the full extent of it.That potion was supposed to be consumed in sips on a very, very occasional basis, whereas I had been basically chugging it.

“Gertie caught me,” I said, referencing a former Pythia who had been training me back in the Victorian era, along with her heir Agnes, as there was no one left to do it in mine.“She almost had a fit, and Agnes practically tore me baldheaded because they knew how seductive it is.How overwhelming.How...perfect.”

I felt my hands clench and had to force them apart.I wanted to break down because Pritkin was the last person who believed in me, really believed, just as he’d been the first.I didn’t want to do this!

But he had to understand why this plan of theirs wouldn’t work.

“I told myself I was taking it because I had no choice,” I said hoarsely.“That I needed it because I was just a little half-human who wasn’t up to the fight otherwise.I told myself a lot of things, anything, everything, that would make it okay to keep on going.But the truth was, I was addicted.And the more I had, the more I wanted.

“Not because of the drug itself, but because of what it did, allowing me to consume more of the Pythian power than I ever could alone.That’s what we do when we channel the power; we consume it, like I consumed it from those gods I attacked, like I will again, given half a chance!”