Page 84

“Livvy, baby. There’s nothing I want more than to be with you, to marry you again.”
Her heart almost bursting, she reached for him. He stopped her by grabbing her hand and bringing it to his lips. “I’ve never stopped loving you, and I never will. But nothing has changed, or will change, about having children. I do not want them.”
“But if you could just—”
“Do you really want to get back together when you know that I’ll never change my mind?”
“But how do you know, Nic? How can you be sure? If you would—”
“Stop it, Olivia! Don’t you think I’ve thought about this? Don’t pretend you don’t know why.”
The silence was thick, the entire atmosphere in the vehicle one of suppressed emotions. She swallowed past the huge lump developing in her throat and wrapped her arms around herself.
All right, that hadn’t been well received, but she wasn’t giving up yet. Clearing her voice, she tried a different direction. “Have you heard from Ash lately?”
“Yeah. Talked to him this morning. He’ll be at the debrief today.”
“That’s good. Jules and the baby doing okay?”
“Healthy and happy, as far as I know.”
“How’s he enjoying fatherhood?”
“I didn’t ask.”
“I’ve never seen him happier than the day we visited them at the hospital.”
“Yeah.”
She gazed out the window, taking comfort from the beauty surrounding her. The trees were at peak fall color, their leaves every shade and hue imaginable, the mountains surrounding them majestic and untamed. It was one of those vividly beautiful sunny days in Montana, with the sky so ocean blue that it looked like the world had turned upside down. It was a day where anything seemed possible. Why couldn’t this be possible?
She kept her face averted when she said, “Did you know that Ash had an abusive father?”
“Yes.”
The hard, abrupt tone of that one word told her he knew where she was going with this, and he didn’t want to go there with her. She forged on. If she didn’t, she’d regret it for the rest of her life. It had to be said.
“He doesn’t seem worried that he’ll take after his father.”
“Olivia…don’t.”
“But I—”
“The day I put my father in the ground, I swore to myself that I would never bring a Hawthorne into this world. I will not go back on that promise.”
“Your thinking is flawed, and if you’d give yourself a chance to see it, you’d realize that. I’ve seen you lose your temper a million times. Not one of those times have you been abusive. I’ve seen grown men spit on you, curse you, and punch you in the face. Not once have you retaliated out of anger. I’ve never felt safer with anyone than with you. You are not and never will be your father.”
He was silent for several seconds, giving her the stupid hope that he was actually thinking about her words. When he spoke, she realized how stupid and hopeless she was being.
“It’s there, Olivia, under the surface. I can feel it. I can control it now, but what happens when someday I can’t?”
“It won’t happen because of who you are. I know you, Hawke. You are a good, decent man. Nothing like the man who raised you. Everyone else can see that. Why can’t you?”
“You weren’t there, Olivia. Every. Single. Damn. Day. He justified his behavior by saying his father did the same thing to him. It’s a heritage of abuse, and I refuse to put a child through that.”
“If you would just—”
He raised a hand to stop her. “No.” The look he gave her was both tortured and angry. “Do you know how much it hurts me not to give you what you want? To be with you, love you, spend the rest of my life with you? I want that more than anything. But I’m not willing to risk a child’s life just because of what I want.”