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Turning, he caught her in his arms as her knees buckled. The dam had finally broken on her emotions. Deep, aching sobs of anguish racked her body. Hawke picked her up and carried her to the small sofa a few feet away. Sitting down with her, he cradled her in his arms as she released the sorrow she’d been living with for so long.
The sounds were harsh, ugly, and heartbreaking, and Hawke’s eyes filled with his own tears. Seeing her like this, he cursed every person who had ever hurt her, especially himself. Olivia worked so hard at hiding her emotions to keep people from seeing the vulnerable, fragile creature beneath the façade. Often, the people who were hurting the most were the ones who put on the biggest smile or coolest demeanors.
He held her until her cries became little breathless shuffles of sounds. When she finally quieted, he kissed the top of her head. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he couldn’t say, but there was one thing she needed to know.
“None of this is your fault, Livvy. You did not cause any of it.”
Her voice hoarse, she said, “If you had never met me, none of you would ever have been hurt. Layla and Rio might still be alive.”
“Bullshit. If your mother hadn’t been around to do the deeds, someone else would have done them. Put the blame where it belongs. The Gonzalez cartel wanted its revenge and found the perfect organization to help them achieve that goal. Your mother and all the others were tools, nothing more.”
“I wish I could hate her. A part of me does. Another part just… I don’t know. I guess that part grieves for a wasted life.”
“She chose her path, just like you have. You know what I want more than anything?”
She raised her head to meet his gaze. Her eyes were swollen and red, her nose was pink, and her mouth trembled with emotion. He had never seen a more beautiful and precious sight in his life. This woman had owned his heart from her first words to him, and he had never wanted another woman since. She was it for him, always and forever.
“I want you to see the woman I see. You are strength, beauty, compassion, gentleness, and loyalty. You’re the opposite of what Iris and Glen tried to make you. You did that on your own. That’s how strong you are.”
She pressed her forehead against his chest. “I don’t feel very strong.”
“You just need some rest.”
The memory of how he’d ensured she got some sleep earlier swept through him. That couldn’t happen again. Even as much as he loved her, they wanted different things. That hadn’t changed.
“Why don’t you go lie down? We’re still a couple hours from landing.”
She lifted her head and whispered, “Come with me?”
Everything within him wanted to say yes, but instead, he said, “You go on. I’ve got some calls to make.”
She stared at him for several seconds and then stood. Adjusting her clothing, she walked into the bedroom without a backward glance. He had pretended he hadn’t seen the need in her eyes, hadn’t heard her invitation. It would be so easy to give in to temptation again. Follow her in there and embrace the need that would always be part of him when it came to Olivia. But it would also give her the wrong idea for the future. There was no future—not for them. Once this was over, he would return to the darkness, where he belonged.
Olivia belonged in the light. She always had.
CHAPTER TWENTY
OZ Headquarters
Her chin set at a cool angle, Olivia walked into the conference room. She met each person’s eyes as she seated herself. She didn’t know what she expected any of them to say. So your mother was a traitor. So your mother killed herself. So your mother might’ve tried to kill your husband.
All of it was true.
After they’d gotten back yesterday evening, she had gone straight to her room. A new awareness of who she was and what she needed to do had been foremost on her mind.
Seeing and talking to anyone was something she had wanted to avoid until she could gather her composure. She had lost it with Hawke on the plane, and though he had been gentle with her, she had gotten the message. She was on her own. Leaning on anyone, including him, couldn’t happen.
After seeing the damage—his injuries—it had been all she could do not to scream the world down. She could not even imagine the agony he’d gone through. The pain would have been unbearable. And the whole time he’d suffered, she had believed he had voluntarily walked away from her. There was no way he hadn’t blamed her. How could he not? She had supposedly been in charge of the blasts. She had created them. Set the timer. Calibrated to the millisecond when the explosion would go off. Everything that had happened to him would have looked intentional and malicious. How he must have hated her.
Did it help knowing that her mother had been involved in some way? That she might’ve even set up the whole thing? Not really—at least not for her. Hawke had endured unspeakable agony, and no matter who was at fault, she grieved for his pain.
Weariness had dogged her every step up to her room last night. A bath had helped, as had the few hours of sleep she’d managed. This morning, she’d woken with determination. They had a target—the Gonzalez cartel. That was her new goal. Once that was done, she would face the future. Hiding her head in the sand would no longer be her modus operandi, especially with Hawke. She saw her future, and he was not part of it.
“Liv.” Eve came to her the instant she sat down and took her hand. “How are you?”
A fractured breath escaped her, and she put on her best smile. “I’m fine.”
“Ah, babe, don’t kid a kidder. You’re hurting, but I’m here for you. We’re all here for you. Got that?”