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When Ada got home, she tried to imagine walking in the door to see Ben and found she couldn’t project her response. She loved Ben but did she have the energy to be the Ada that Ben loved in her own home? Ben was a great cook, she knew, and she didn’t think she was ready to share the kitchen, though she’d shared it with Sadie. She remembered when she was little and terrified of Gabby, she would think that at least Gabby was a sister because she couldn’t imagine having to live with a boy. But her views on boys had changed, she supposed.

‘Ada?’ Mel called from the living room and Ada went in to see her watching one of the thousands of British panel shows hosted by pale male comedians and featuring the same blonde woman as a guest as far as Ada could tell. She needed to learn more about the comedy scene if she was going to take the Clem job, probably. People like to go out to watch comedy.

Mel muted the TV and Ada sat next to her on the couch. She said, ‘I asked Ben if he might want to take your room and he seemed keen,’ and Mel said, ‘Oh he’d be a fun housemate!’ and Ada said, ‘That’s cute but don’t pretend you like him.’ Mel said, ‘Sure, but you like him, and I can tell my brother he’s nice and responsible,’ and Ada said, ‘Why would you lie to your brother?’ Then she told Mel she’d been drinking negronis all night and should probably go to bed but Mel said no, let’s have a drink, let’s have dessert, wait here.

And then she brought in a mini Magnum for each of them – mint for Ada, white chocolate for Mel – and two glasses of Frangelico. She explained that she wanted to use up some of the old bottles of booze on the high shelves before she moved and Ada said, ‘Sure, I love a project.’ Then Mel asked how things were going with Stuart and Ada had to tell her that he never came to Brighton and Mel was so angry that she waved her Magnum and a little piece at the top cracked and landed on her lap.

It felt good to let Mel take on anger because Ada had felt sad, a background hum of sadness, all week, and she didn’t have the energy to lay anger on top of that. Even though she knew it was deserved. She tried to tell the story of the noodles like it was funny but then Mel held her hand and she exhaled.

‘It was humiliating,’ she said, and Mel nodded, she didn’t try to pretend that cooking for a no-show lover in a studio apartment on a cold day wasn’t humiliating.

Mel said, ‘I know how much you liked him—’ and Ada said, ‘Yeah but what did I like about him? He was so juvenile! And obviously there was no future there, right, like what was I going to do, move into his hovel? I just … it should have been me who got to choose what we were.’ And Mel nodded and that was kind.

‘Maybe I need to just … not date or have sex or … pursue something for a while. Hopefully I get this job with Clem and then I’ll be busy,’ and Mel shook her head and said, ‘No, if you gave up I couldn’t bear it.’ Her voice was heavy and she said, ‘We can’t all be afraid all the time,’ and Ada said, ‘You’re not afraid,’ and Mel said, ‘I am,’ and that was all.

Ada said, ‘But doesn’t Will make you … not scared,’ and Mel shifted away from her and said, ‘I don’t love the way you talk about him,’ and that was it, the harshest thing Mel had ever said to her and she was saying it for Will. And Ada said, ‘Well I barely know the guy, you didn’t even tell me you were dating.’ Mel laughed and it was hard and she said, ‘When would I tell you about that? When you were messaging your boyfriend or when you were moving your girlfriend into our flat without even asking me?’

Ada didn’t remember it like that. ‘You’re like … Team Sadie though,’ she said, and regretted the terminology when Mel said, ‘I’m not Team anyone, Ada, I’m not a fucking spectator to your life. Or I don’t want to be.’ Ada’s instinct was to shrink but she fought it enough to say, ‘I asked about Will and you never wanted to talk about it,’ and Mel interrupted to say, ‘What do you mean, never? You asked like once, in passing, you weren’t paying attention,’ which was unfair, Ada felt surely this was unfair. ‘That’s like … a technicality. I tell you things without you asking all the time,’ and Mel said, ‘Your way isn’t everyone’s way.’ And it was unfair, it all felt so unfair.

Ada aimed for lightness and said, ‘Maybe we have different love languages,’ and Mel said, ‘Not this bullshit again,’ but she smiled because one night in winter they had drunk two bottles of bad Merlot and done an online quiz about love languages and the next day Mel had thrown up and Ada had said, ‘Your love language is absolutely bursting out of you,’ while rubbing her back. It wasn’t even that funny but it was working, a little. Ada said, ‘I know you don’t owe me an explanation,’ and Mel said, ‘I don’t know what we owe each other,’ and then she said, ‘I’m sorry I’m leaving. I want to live with Will, I’m excited to. But this has been the most home that home has ever felt. I don’t know. We’ve been happy.’

Ada had thought that Mel would level her but Mel loved her instead. And she laid her head on Mel’s lap and Mel stroked her hair and it almost didn’t matter that Mel spent the next four nights at Will’s place and Ada spent them alone.

FORTY-SIX

18/10/2017

Sadie Ali

12:13

Hey! I’m back from Newcastle and I’m going in a couple of days and it’d be good to see you before then

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Sadie Ali

12:14

I’m staying on a mate’s couch in Walthamstow so I’m close-ish if you want to meet for coffee or something

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