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Ada said, ‘I didn’t expect us to be monogamous, Sadie. Because I … haven’t been,’ and Sadie said, ‘Did you sleep with someone in Florida?’ and Ada said, ‘Literally who would I have slept with in Florida.’ And as she said that, she thought of Gloria, sweet forty-two-year-old Gloria, recently divorced and discovering herself via Ada’s mouth and she realised Gloria would probably feature in her fantasies for some time. And then she told Sadie about Stuart.

She told the story chronologically and without many bells, figuring this was the time for baldness and starkness and unpretty things. She explained that he knew about Sadie but she had never mentioned him because, she didn’t know really but mainly because there was no real thing to mention until she went to Liverpool. And then after that the timeframe was tight and she left and she had never thought that Sadie wanted to know these things about her life. They shared a bed and a kitchen and a few quiet hours in the park, but Stuart seemed to want more from her and Sadie? Much less.

So Ada said all of this, with as little judgement in her voice for herself or for Sadie or for their whole situation as possible. And Sadie stopped looking at her about halfway through, instead choosing the maddening point behind Ada’s head that she always found when Ada most wanted her to look her in the face. And when Ada was done, Sadie stood up and walked to the window seat and sat there, as far as she could get without leaving the room.

There was nothing to say exactly then, even though in a broader sense they had everything left to say to each other. But Ada waited and finally Sadie said, ‘Why didn’t you think … this would matter to me?’ It was a fair question coming from another person but coming from Sadie, who made it very clear to Ada every day that she was incidental, it was unfair and Ada said as much. Sadie finally looked at her then and said, ‘In what way are you incidental? We share a bed,’ and Ada said, ‘Yeah, because you needed somewhere to stay,’ and then Sadie looked away again and said, quietly, ‘You’re not the only person I know in this city.’

Ada said, ‘Was I the only one who’d sleep with you though?’ and it was so disingenuous, pretending that it was Sadie who wanted her desperately and not the other way around, that she thought it was kind of a joke but Sadie said, ‘That’s a fucked up thing to say.’ Then Sadie said, ‘Do you want a relationship with this guy in Liverpool? Does he want one with you?’ and Ada said, ‘God, why are we talking about this, you’ve clearly decided you want to go to Ealing, don’t make this about Liverpool.’ And Sadie said, ‘I hadn’t decided anything,’ at the same time as Ada said, ‘You’re leaving anyway,’ and Sadie said, ‘That’s true, I’m leaving.’ Then added, ‘I wish you’d told me, Ada.’

Maybe that should have been it, Ada thought later, but she was tired and reckless and she said, ‘I don’t owe you anything, Sadie, and you don’t owe anything to me’. She took off her towel and climbed under the covers, noting that the sheets felt clean, figuring that was Sadie’s doing. She closed her eyes and Sadie said from the other side of the room or maybe she didn’t say, maybe this was in Ada’s mind, but someone said, ‘I don’t like to live like no one owes anyone anything.’ Ada went to sleep and when she woke up Sadie was sleeping next to her and the curtains were closed but Ada could tell it was raining.

THIRTY-SIX

03/10/2017

Ada Highfield

09:11

What about Brighton

•••

Stuart Parkes

09:12

Good morning

•••

Stuart Parkes

09:13