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Over and over.
As if on my next catch it will release something in my mind that tells me why I lashed out at Laura.
This is my fourth individual session with Alice. I’ve laid everything out from my perspective, from when I met Ashleigh and our relationship, to how I found out about Bailey—though I had to edit out the classified aspects, to needing a new nanny, and meeting Laura. The first spark from when she came into my office, how her direct manner of addressing Bailey’s concerns seemed to be exactly what my daughter needed. Then how I admitted my attraction to her.
Today was tougher as we discussed the more intimate aspects of my relationship with Laura as it progressed—what I felt as I observed my daughter falling just as I did. The moments at the hospital gala, our first kiss, and waking up with her in my home.
Now we’ve circled around to the moments in the ER and how I lashed out at her after the Tiberis attempt at retribution. For a moment, when I speak of Laura and what I shouted at the ER, there’s a flash of something on Alice’s face, but it’s quickly masked. “You know what happened,” I voice in a low tone.
She doesn’t deny my accusation. “Most of the hospital does, Liam. If only for her sake, I hope the speculation dies down before she returns to work.”
I wince as the ramifications of my actions hit again.
Alice studies my face before reminding me, “After all, your words assured her she wasn’t important.”
Automatically, I correct her, “That’s not what I said.”
She adjusts herself in her oversized chair. “What did you say then?”
My stomach twists. “I don’t know if I can repeat it.”
Alice doesn’t let me off the hook. “Why should a woman as smart and intelligent as Dr. Laura Lockwood return to a man as brokenhearted as you claim to be if you won’t discuss the reasons behind why you acted the way you did.”
I lurch upward and shout, “I don’t know why I did it!”
Her eyes meet mine levelly. “Yes, you do. You’re just afraid to say the words aloud.”
“Of what?” I snap.
“Your fear.”
“Of course I was afraid. My daughter was beaten and bruised.”
“And it brought back a lot of ugly memories for you, Liam,” Alice counters.
Denial fights to be let out, but residual fear surpasses it, leaving me with nausea swirling in my stomach. I can’t say anything. Instead, my breath just heaves in and out.
“You have to admit how colossal your fear was because if you do, you’ll admit the rest.”
“What do you mean, admit the rest?” I snarl.
“You’ll admit why you targeted your anger at Laura.”
A chill runs through me at her words as a pounding throbs in my head. I croak out, “Go on. “
“Love is the most fertile ground to breed hate. It’s also the easiest channel to release extreme emotions because there’s a presumption that our partner will always be there for us. Instead of reaching out to Laura, sharing your anger at her father with her, you substituted her as your target.”
“No,” I immediately deny.
“Yes, Liam. You did. The whole ER heard you.” Alice loses her notorious patience and snaps. She takes a deep breath and releases it before flinging open her own drawer of chocolate and reaching for a bar of Godiva. “I need a moment.”
“You have to help me,” I beg.
“I need a moment.”
“Alice,” I plead.
“Don’t I have a right to a moment, Liam?” she hisses.