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‘A letter?’

Daisy nodded. ‘Maybe he won’t listen to me when I speak, but hopefully, when he reads what I’ve written, he’ll know I’m telling the truth. If he gives me another chance, then I’ll never mess it up again.’

81

Dear Theo

I have lost count of how many attempts I have taken to try to get this letter right, but I’ve realised that maybe that’s the whole point. I won’t be able to. I will never be able to get everything right, and I will never be able to make up for the hurt that I’ve caused you. I know that. But I want one last chance to try. Please, I know that you’re entirely within your right to crumple up this paper and never offer it a second glance, but if you would just do me one last thing and read through this in its entirety, it will be the last thing I ever ask of you. After this, it is up to you. If you decide that this is over for good, then I will respect that. I won’t pester you. I won’t intrude on your life. But I just want this one last time to say I’m sorry, I’m an idiot. You are the love of my life and I would do anything to repair the mess I’ve made.

It’s wrong to blame other people for my actions these last few days. And I’m not going to do that. I said the words I said to you. I am responsible for what I did, but I still want you to know why. And that’s because I believe, or rather I did believe, that I was never really deserving of your love. And that is my failing, not yours.

I let other people’s opinions affect my thoughts. I believed my mother’s drunken words. I believed your parents’ disparaging comments. But worse than that, I believed my own insecurities. And I wish to God I hadn’t. I love you, Theo. I love you with all my heart.

Whatever happens, I know now that my future is meant to be with you, because you bring out the best in me. And, as arrogant as it sounds, I believe I bring out the best in you, too. I laugh with you like I laugh with no one else. I take risks with you that I would never consider with anyone else. You make me feel safe. You make me feel invincible. You are everything.

And I get why you are afraid that I will do this again. I understand why you would think that sometime in the future, I will panic and get scared and decide to run again, but I won’t. I know for certain that I won’t. I have felt this loss, Theo. I have felt the way my heart is breaking so intensely in my chest that I can’t breathe, and I will never do it again. I know you have to trust me to believe that, but please, I swear on my life, yours, and that of our future family…

I can’t say I know exactly what I want in the way of 2.4 children, like some people do. But I can say that when I think of us in old age, I imagine us cooking up big family feasts, with children running around our ankles. I imagine Christmas mornings where presents are piled high beneath the tree and children are tearing hastily at the wrapping, and Christmas dinners where we open our crackers and place party hats on our heads to eat the massive feast that we have prepared together.

I imagine holidays, not just local ones in the boats, but ones far further afield, where we see the world together. And these things I see, Theo, they are so clear in my mind. So vivid, I can’t for one minute believe they are just a figment of my imagination. They are the future. The future I want. And the future I believe we can make happen.

You may think I’m being overly sentimental or dramatic as you read this, but it’s true. I never thought that I would find someone as kind and fun and generous as you. Someone as supportive and hardworking who always lifts me up every time I’m down and never makes me feel ridiculous, even when I do ridiculous things, like adopting a random stray dog. You are everything I could have dreamed of, and I just didn’t believe that dreams could last. At some point, I assumed I would have to wake up.

I think that’s why things became harder after the proposal. Because of things your parents said, and mine, I began to believe that sooner or later, you were going to realise the truth. You were going to realise that I wasn’t good enough for you and you were going to want better. And I’m not shifting the blame to you in any way, but I think partly the ring confirmed that for me. Someday, I believed you would wake up and realise that there was a girl out there who was deserving of her own ring.

I’m not saying these thoughts are rational or reasonable. I’m just trying to let you know why I did what I did. That’s why I got there first. That’s why I thought that by ending things the way I did, I was saving us both from heartache. Now, of course, I realise what a mistake I’ve made, in that I’ve quite possibly robbed myself of the best future I could have had. And… I think… robbed you of it, too. Because as strange as it sounds, these last few days without you have shown me that I really am deserving of true love.

My friends are the thing that has proved this to me. I don’t think you can get friends as good without being someone people can truly rely on.

I know I’m deserving of love. I see that now. But I also see that the only person I want to share that love with is you. And so, here is my last attempt. If you feel the same as me, and God, I hope that you do, then please meet me at 22 Chester Road, Sunday at 11a.m. It should all make sense then.

I hope to see you there.

Yours always, whatever happens,

Daisy

82

Daisy felt sick with nerves. Her stomach had twisted itself into so many knots that she could barely sip at the glass of water in front of her. And all she could do was wait.

‘So, do you want to get started now? I can run through it all with you now and then with your friend when they come if you want? Maybe you could look?—’

‘No,’ Daisy cut across the woman before she could say any more. ‘We’ll wait until he gets here.’

‘Okay.’ The woman brushed her hands on her apron before moving over to the other side of the studio.

Daisy checked her watch. Why had she come early? Parking was one of the reasons. She knew that spaces around the studio were limited and she hadn’t wanted to drive up and down the roads, stressing that she wouldn’t find a place and worrying that she was going to be late. But it had been surprisingly easy to find somewhere for the car, and now she was here with all this time to wait. She had told Theo explicitly to come at eleven, and yet Daisy had been there since twenty to, her pulse racing with every passing minute. She had not had the courage to give him the paintings and letter directly, but instead had placed them onthe stern of his boat, meaning that all she could do was assume he had seen them. That he had looked at the paintings and read the letter properly. There was a chance, of course, that he had just picked up the entire package and thrown it straight into the canal. That thought was enough to make the nerves billow through her at unprecedented speed, but she couldn’t dwell on them. Besides, that didn’t seem like a very Theo thing to do.

Daisy looked at the clock on the wall and compared it to the one on her phone and the watch on her wrist. They all said exactly the same time. Two minutes to eleven. Theo would be here. He would. She just had to wait.

A message pinged on her phone, causing her stomach to somersault, although when she looked down it was Claire wishing her good luck.

We are here if you need us, the message read.

Did she know something? Daisy panicked. Did she know that Theo wasn’t coming, and that was why she had reminded her they were there if she needed help? Maybe it was. She picked up her phone, ready to ring Claire and check, only to change her mind. She wasn’t going to jump to conclusions. Not until she knew for sure. That was what she tried to tell herself, although her mind was already racing. No matter how much she had tried to work through the worst-case scenario of Theo not coming, she hadn’t wanted to believe it. She had been so convinced that this would work. That the letter and the paintings would work and once he was here, she would show him it was forever. But as she looked up at the clock again, it was as if her entire world had dropped away. It was 11.01. Theo was never late. He was probably the most punctual person Daisy had ever known. And for important events, he was always early. Always. Only he wasn’t there. Which meant only one thing. He wasn’t coming.

Daisy tried to stand up, only her legs didn’t want to move. Her head was spinning, and she could feel her body rocking back and forth as she tried to balance.