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“Why not? Does this have to do with what you were talking about earlier?”
I’ve never told anyone my secret, but I can’t keep it hidden any longer. Langston deserves to know the truth. And then he’ll break it off between us. It’s better to end things now than to fall even harder and end up even more damaged.
“I can’t give you the family you deserve.”
“What are you talking about?”
“All those babies that you’re dreaming of.” Tears are forming in my eyes, and my throat is thickening.
“Why wouldn’t you be able to make that happen? I thought you wanted kids one day.” Langston looks thoroughly confused.
I take a deep breath and let it out. “I do. But I can’t have them.”
“What? Are you sure?” Langston’s voice is gentle now, almost comforting, and it’s making it worse because it’s like he feels sorry for me, and I’m not sure I can handle that.
I nod miserably. “I’m positive. I’ve seen the doctor, and I’m unable to bear children.”
Langston takes my hand. “I’m sorry, Jenni.”
And now I’m crying. I wipe the tears away. I’m sleep deprived and emotional. It’s not the best time to have this conversation, but is there ever a good time to tell the man you’re in love with that you can’t have his babies?
“I had no idea you’ve been carrying this around. Do your parents know?”
I shake my head. “No one knows.” I wipe away a stray tear that’s escaped.
“I don’t know what to say. I want to fix this for you, but I can’t. Have you tried everything? Or gotten a second opinion?”
“I can’t. I don’t want to hear bad news over and over. I’ve decided to become a foster parent instead.”
“That’s a wonderful thing to do. Think of all the kids you could help. With your resources, you could make a huge impact.”
I nod. “I know. I’ve just scratched the surface. I’m supposed to meet with someone next week to find out more about the process.”
“I think that’s wonderful.”
“But you deserve to hold your own baby in your arms one day,” I say.
Langston is quiet for a moment, and I’m dying to know what’s going through his mind.
“Why don’t we call it a night, get some sleep, and we’ll talk about this more in a bit?”
“That’s not going to fix what’s wrong with me.” I’m getting emotional again, and I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve been holding this inside for so long, and now that I’ve shared it with the man I’ve fallen for, it’s like a floodgate has opened. My tears are falling freely now, and I can’t fall apart in front of Langston. “I’m sorry. I have to go.”
I rush off to my tent before Langston can stop me. I leave him to tend to the fire, and I crawl back into my sleeping bag, curling up into a fetal position. I shouldn’t have told him. Because now, he’s going to be the white knight and sacrifice his future happiness for my sake. I can’t let that happen. He deserves better. I’m successful in so many ways, but I can’t fix this one. And it’s too hard to bear. My heart aches, and I sob into my pillow silently so Langston doesn’t hear and come to the rescue. He doesn’t need to know how much this is hurting me.
But now my heart has gotten involved. It’s too late to prevent the hurt that I was hoping to avoid. Because it’s consuming me. The only choice left is to break off things with Langston.
I don’t care if my parents want to set me up with a guy in India. How can I care about that when my heart is hurting so much?
Maybe the answer is to tell my parents the truth about my infertility. I’ve tried all this time to protect them from the pain, and I’ve been holding it inside, putting on a brave front. But the burden is too heavy to bear now. Not with a broken heart thrown into the mix.
This campout was going so well before Ronnie crashed it. I wish he’d just stayed away. Why does he have to try to ruin everything? But the truth is, it’s not really Ronnie’s fault. My body is unable to bear children, regardless.
Ronnie is worried about protecting me from Langston. The truth is, he can’t protect me from the real pain.
It’s something I’m going to have to deal with on my own. If Ronnie only knew how strong I’ve had to be, he wouldn’t feel this brotherly urge to save me somehow.
I guess it’s sweet in its own way, but it would be nice too if he just learned that I’m capable of watching my own back.