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“It’s not that.”

“I, uh, I feel like I made things awkward.” I shifted. “We’re still going to do the bucket stuff, right?”

“Yeah, no, I mean…” She raked her fingers through her hair. “Paisley…”

I was so nervous I was going to be sick.Why?I had nothing to be this nervous about. It wasn’t like I was even picturing anything going wrong like I usually was when I felt like this, just…nervous.I wanted to beat my head on the wall like a conga drum. “What?” I said, finally.

“I’m trying to ask if itmeansanything, Paisley. You kissing me. That’s the third time. What’s it they say about threes?”

I blinked fast. “I think it means I wanted to kiss you three times.”

“God, you’re oblivious. Are you—do you have feelings for me, or are you just into casual sex together?”

I didn’t have a clue, but I felt likeI don’t have a cluewasn’t a good answer. I swallowed. “I wasn’t trying to do anything serious. I just… wanted to.”

“So it was just that.”

This all was going to be easier if I just said yes. For her and for me. “Yeah. Um… are you mad at me?”

“No. I’m not. Just… I don’t think we should be doing that.”

It shouldn’t have hurt nearly as much as it did. This was just a fun thing, just a game we got to play. It felt like I’d gotten stabbed through the gut. I forced myself to smile. “Yeah? You said I was hot, though.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “I… did say that. It’s not that I don’t like… doing that with you. Just that I don’t think we… should be.”

“Why not?” I’d tried for a casual, easygoing tone. I didn’t recognize the quiver in it.

“Because…” she started, weighing every syllable carefully. “I’m leaving here soon, and I’m trying to be… less attached. Not more attached.”

I didn’t get it, but I was too tired now to keep asking questions. It felt like I’d worked out every muscle I had until I was collapsed on the floor. I took the tiniest forkful of potato salad, just to have something to do with my hands. “So… should I not dress up and stuff?”

“No, I want you to be able to do that. I know this is an important thing for you.”

I mumbled so quietly I could barely hear it myself. “I don’t want to cause you any problems and stuff.”

“It’s not like that.”

“I didn’t buy that new mascara anyway. I can just not buy it.”

“No, I—want to see you in it.” She pursed her lips, a flush of pink spreading over her cheeks. “I… I know getting to dress up this morning was good for you. And I…” She shrugged, looking away. “Hell, I don’t know. Maybe I just want to leave a positive imprint when I leave. Help you be happy in who you are so that I leave something good behind.”

My eyes burned suddenly. I wanted to grab onto her and tell her not to go, that she absolutely wasnotallowed to go and leave me heartbroken, but…

I sucked in a sharp breath. I wasn’t going to be weird.

“Let’s do something tonight, then,” I said, and she jerked up from the food, meeting my gaze.

“Do what?”

“You tell me. What’s next on the bucket agenda?”

“The bucket agenda… you know I need to be asleep before long, right? I’m open tomorrow.”

“Yeah, so tell me quick.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know… can’t we do it another day?”

“Not when you’re leaving soon. We’ll pick something best done at night.”