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I pull open the door to the animal shelter, a heavy weight sitting in my gut. A knot of tears sits in the back of my throat, but I won’t let them out. I can’t.
Again, I’ve managed to avoid Alexi, but sooner or later, he’ll come looking for me. He’ll try the gym first. That’s where I would usually go.
But today, I need a different environment…one where I won’t feel so alone, where I can cry and nobody will judge or ask questions or speak at all, for that matter. It’s one where I can get a hug without having to worry about tomorrow or the next day. No strings, no conditions, no risk of having my throat slit.
It’ll just be me and my animals.
The door closes behind me, and I flip on the lights. I knew nobody would be here today. The person who runs the shelter takes the weekends off, leaving me alone to tend to the animals. I barely see her. We cross paths here and there, and she leaves me lots of sticky notes, but for the most part, I work alone.
Exactly the way I like it.
I pad across the floor, my flip-flops flapping as I walk down the hallway to greet my friends. I’d never be caught dead in flip-flops any other day, but this self-imposed solitude makes me happy to dress in sweats. My hair is thrown into a messy ponytail, and the only makeup I’m wearing is concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes.
I’m always a mess on the inside.
Today, the outside matches.
“Morning, babies,” I murmur, reaching down to pet one of the mutts who barks in appreciation. “Are you hungry?”
I give them all a little stroke as I head toward the supply room. I pull out large bags of food and start the rounds. The noise dials up from zero to a hundred when I appear with breakfast, and it’s a welcome change from the sounds of my past, the ones that perpetually haunt my mind and torment my ears. I open the cages, giving the animals a chance to stretch their legs a little as I pour the food into their bowls. The owner has warned me about this, but it doesn’t stop me. They need a taste of freedom every once in a while.
I kneel down in front of Stoli 2’s cage, running a hand down the front of it. The tears sting my eyes, and the sob erupts from my throat. I don’t bother to hold it back any longer.
The tears spill over, streaming down my un-made-up face. I don’t bother to wipe them away. They drip onto my clothes and the floor, my sorrow pooling around my feet. Some of the animals wander over, sensing my distress. They creep closer, nesting their heads in my side, in my chest, and against my back.
My body quakes against their furry ones, and I reach down to hug them tight. They don’t pull away, they don’t ask questions. They just let me grieve.
I don’t know how long I sit there. Time passes, but it’s inconsequential. It could be minutes or hours.
It doesn’t change anything.
Life hasn’t gotten easier or more bearable.
Yeah, I put up a strong front, but it’s bullshit. I’m always a second away from shattering like an empty bottle of vodka hitting a concrete wall.
I’m still alone.
I’m still suffering.
And I’m still a goddamn wreck.
The sobs finally quiet, and I sit back against the wall, letting out a deep sigh. All of the stress and tension drain from my body. I’m spent — physically, emotionally, mentally. I only allow this catharsis once a year, and it takes me that long to recover and prepare for the next one.
I drag myself to my feet and usher the animals back into their cages so they can eat. I needed that today, more than I needed to pound the shit out of a heavy bag.
Or Alexi.
Ding!
Speaking of…
I lock up the cages so the animals don’t go running for the door. I grit my teeth and jog toward the front of the shelter when I hear the call bell. How the hell did someone get inside? Didn’t I lock the door?
Um, no. I clearly forgot since there’s someone inside! Dammit, I really need to get my head screwed on straight.
I tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear, huffing a bit as I approach the front of the shelter. It must be Alexi. I sent him home last night after I was safely inside my condo. I promised I’d call him as soon as I woke up, but after everything he didn’t say last night, he was the last person I wanted to talk to this morning. He’s been texting me for the past couple of hours, and I haven’t responded. He must know by now that I’m not at the gym. This is the only other place I’d be, other than my favorite bar.
And I’m heading there next.