Page 17
Story: Cross Her Heart
It made me feel a bit bad because he’s being so nice but I don’t want anyone here in the evenings. Not past around nine or ten whenhemight be around to chat.
It’s midnight. Jodie went to bed an hour ago and Courtney’s given up on waiting for a reply, so I shut my iPad down and relax against the pillows, opening Messenger on my phone. Once, a while back, I sent a text to Lizzie meant for Angela. Thankfully, it wasn’t bitchy, but it made me paranoid about having too many conversations on the go at once on one device. I’d hate to send something meant for him to someone else.
In the silence of the house, I find myself listening out for sounds in the corridor. What if Mum comes in my room again like she did the other night? Maybe I should go under my covers.
You there, Beautiful?
All thoughts of anyone else vanish and I sit up in my bed, my heart racing. He’s back.
Yep. Right here, in bed. Waiting for you.;-)
I feel hot and awkward about my words, but I press send anyway. I’m trying to sound sexy and flirty but at the same time I don’t want to go too far down that road – to pictures and videos and things. He asked before, once, last week, and I said no. I was too shy. He hasn’t asked since, and apologised. He said he’d had a few drinks and was thinking about me and got carried away. I kind of liked it though. Him thinking of me like that. I wonder if I’m in his head all the time like he is in mine?
Still, maybe I should have sent something. In my underwear. Not with my face in it, obviously – I’m not stupid like Meg – but something to show him I’m a woman not a girl. But I hate my body and I can’t imagine it looking good at any selfie angle, like all those girls on Instagram do in their bikinis. My thighs would look awful. Maybe that’s what stopping me. My own embarrassment.
Can’t chat long. Just wanted to say goodnight.
My disappointment burns through me, a flame consuming curling paper.
I’ve only got a few minutes. I’m sorry I’m so shit at this. I will make more time, I promise. One day we’ll have all the time in the world.
I don’t say anything. I don’t want to sound moody and I need a moment to get myself together. He’s always saying he’ll make more time and in the future it will be different, but what aboutnow?
I thought you might have been with Courtney tonight. I’m glad you weren’t.
My skin tingles and I feel the power shift. I told him Courtney was there for my birthday. He knows we’re sort of going out, even though I’ve said I’m probably going to end it.
I thought about it, I type.He keeps texting me. He really wants to see me. I don’t know what to do.
I hadn’t thought about it. I haven’t answered Courtney’s messages but there’s no need forhimto know that. Not while he’s clearly worrying about it. This isn’t how I expected love to be when I was little. I thought people fell in love and everything was perfect. I should have realised that wasn’t the case from my own family, but no one ever told me how selfish love is. How it eats you up. How many games you have to play to get what you want.
I don’t want you to see him, but that’s not fair on you.
My heart leaps.
Why? Are you jealous?
It’s too direct.
I’m annoyed at myself but I have to know. I don’t want him thinking I’ve been trying to make him jealous, which obviously I have.
A bit. He seems too young for you. You’re too mature for a boy like him. He’s not going to make you happy.
No,I answer.You make me happy. But you’re not here. We’ve never met. Courtney’s here.
I’m proud of myself. I’m making this his fault.
We should meet.
The words shock me so much that for a minute the screen blurs slightly. My palms sweat with a surge of adrenaline.
When?
Does that sound too demanding? But I want to know. I want to meet himnow. I’d get out of bed and go anywhere he asked to see him in the flesh and talk to him and all the other stuff.
After your exams are over. About ten days? I’ll sort out a time and place and let you know. Will have to be at night, though. Is that okay?
Is that okay? I’m grinning so hard I think my face will split.
It’s midnight. Jodie went to bed an hour ago and Courtney’s given up on waiting for a reply, so I shut my iPad down and relax against the pillows, opening Messenger on my phone. Once, a while back, I sent a text to Lizzie meant for Angela. Thankfully, it wasn’t bitchy, but it made me paranoid about having too many conversations on the go at once on one device. I’d hate to send something meant for him to someone else.
In the silence of the house, I find myself listening out for sounds in the corridor. What if Mum comes in my room again like she did the other night? Maybe I should go under my covers.
You there, Beautiful?
All thoughts of anyone else vanish and I sit up in my bed, my heart racing. He’s back.
Yep. Right here, in bed. Waiting for you.;-)
I feel hot and awkward about my words, but I press send anyway. I’m trying to sound sexy and flirty but at the same time I don’t want to go too far down that road – to pictures and videos and things. He asked before, once, last week, and I said no. I was too shy. He hasn’t asked since, and apologised. He said he’d had a few drinks and was thinking about me and got carried away. I kind of liked it though. Him thinking of me like that. I wonder if I’m in his head all the time like he is in mine?
Still, maybe I should have sent something. In my underwear. Not with my face in it, obviously – I’m not stupid like Meg – but something to show him I’m a woman not a girl. But I hate my body and I can’t imagine it looking good at any selfie angle, like all those girls on Instagram do in their bikinis. My thighs would look awful. Maybe that’s what stopping me. My own embarrassment.
Can’t chat long. Just wanted to say goodnight.
My disappointment burns through me, a flame consuming curling paper.
I’ve only got a few minutes. I’m sorry I’m so shit at this. I will make more time, I promise. One day we’ll have all the time in the world.
I don’t say anything. I don’t want to sound moody and I need a moment to get myself together. He’s always saying he’ll make more time and in the future it will be different, but what aboutnow?
I thought you might have been with Courtney tonight. I’m glad you weren’t.
My skin tingles and I feel the power shift. I told him Courtney was there for my birthday. He knows we’re sort of going out, even though I’ve said I’m probably going to end it.
I thought about it, I type.He keeps texting me. He really wants to see me. I don’t know what to do.
I hadn’t thought about it. I haven’t answered Courtney’s messages but there’s no need forhimto know that. Not while he’s clearly worrying about it. This isn’t how I expected love to be when I was little. I thought people fell in love and everything was perfect. I should have realised that wasn’t the case from my own family, but no one ever told me how selfish love is. How it eats you up. How many games you have to play to get what you want.
I don’t want you to see him, but that’s not fair on you.
My heart leaps.
Why? Are you jealous?
It’s too direct.
I’m annoyed at myself but I have to know. I don’t want him thinking I’ve been trying to make him jealous, which obviously I have.
A bit. He seems too young for you. You’re too mature for a boy like him. He’s not going to make you happy.
No,I answer.You make me happy. But you’re not here. We’ve never met. Courtney’s here.
I’m proud of myself. I’m making this his fault.
We should meet.
The words shock me so much that for a minute the screen blurs slightly. My palms sweat with a surge of adrenaline.
When?
Does that sound too demanding? But I want to know. I want to meet himnow. I’d get out of bed and go anywhere he asked to see him in the flesh and talk to him and all the other stuff.
After your exams are over. About ten days? I’ll sort out a time and place and let you know. Will have to be at night, though. Is that okay?
Is that okay? I’m grinning so hard I think my face will split.
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