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And once I’ve done those two things, I’ll allow myself to think about how everything went so poorly with the woman I fell head over heels in love with.

36

KALI

Mimi didn’t askme what was wrong when I let myself into her house. She stayed seated in her favourite armchair, reached an arm out and beckoned me to her. I collapsed on the floor and put my head in her lap and haven’t moved since.

My tears have stopped, and the low hum of a familiar song comes from Mimi’s throat as she strokes my hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”

A thousand thoughts race through my mind, triggering a thousand emotions. I can’t pinpoint what even happened. Anger, shame, fear, embarrassment, guilt scream from my brain and through my veins. Ilean back to look at her, my neck aching from resting in the same position for so long.

“I know that look,” she says, smiling fondly. “You’re in love.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, but fresh tears roll down before I can stop them. Mimi’s thumb wipes them from my face. “This is awonderfulthing, Kiki.”

I open my eyes at the mention of my childhood nickname and smile. “It doesn’t feel like it.”

“Did he hurt you?”

A flurry of thoughts whizz through my mind. Of how much Anthony has helped me. How he’s protected me one minute and made me laugh the next. He’s allowed me to be myself, made me feel alive. I might’ve been upset before, but the reality that I completely jumped the gun is settling in.

I shake my head. “I hurthim.”

Mimi smiles. “Nothing that can’t be fixed, Kalina.”

I lower my head in shame. “I said some awful things and acted like a brat. No, I acted like anasshole.He’ll never want to speak to me again. I don’t deserve him.”

“Sounds like you’re letting your passion for life get in the way of experiencing joy,” Mimi murmurs.

I scoff and snot runs from my nose. “You can’t help yourself, can you?”

“Let me tell you something, Kalina. I would rather have an all-consuming, can’t-live-without-you kind of love and live with the pain of the aftermath, than never experience it at all. When you find true love, it’s worth every ounce of the pain.”

“Did you have that with Baba?”

She smiles, the lines in her face wrinkling around her eyes. “Our love was magic and despite the pain of not having him all this time, I wouldn’t change a single thing.”

“I don’t want to end up like mum,” I admit.

Mimi nods, a sadness on her face. “It’s normal to have that fear, Kiki. Sometimes love can be the most painful thing we ever experience. Some people can cope, and some people can’t. Your mother was broken-hearted, and she pushed everyone away. She cut everyone off, even you, because she didn’t feel worthy of this life without your father.”

Mimi takes a quiet breath and I squeeze her hand. This is the first time we’ve ever talked about this openly and I realise I’m not the only one who this has haunted. She lost her son without warning; she couldn’t save her daughter-in-law and her rock passed away before his time.

“We’re all made differently,” she says, giving me a sweet smile. “We all cope differently, andyouwill survive, no matter what happens. I can feel it here.” She thumps a fist to her chest and more silent tears stream down my face.

“What if he destroys me?” I whisper.

“What if he doesn’t?”

The weight of those words hangs over my head as I let the tears roll without shame. Mimi continues to run her hand through my knotted hair as we contemplate our thoughts.

“What do I do?” I finally ask, leaning back to look up at her.

Mimi smiles, wrinkles creasing her face. “You already know, Kalina.”

* * *

Hazel’s banging about in the kitchen when I walk back into the house that night. Spices and soy sauce waft through my nostrils and I take a deep breath, my figurative tail between my legs as I walk through the entrance.