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I blink. When did he ask that? Maybe I should pay more attention.
“They’re good. She’s an amazing woman, raising her little sister and doing her best. She’s hilarious, smart, and beautiful. Everything I could ever want in a woman.”
My answer is simplistic, but I’m unsure of what exactly he expects me to say.
Court nods thoughtfully.
"That's good to hear, Carter. I'm happy for you," he says, taking a sip of his drink. "But I have to ask, have you two talked about the future? Do you see a future with her?"
I feel my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. I haven't thought that far ahead.
"Honestly, Court, I don't know. I like her a lot, but I don't know what the future holds. We’ve only been seeing each other for a little while now.
“I suppose what I’m really asking is if you’ve talked to her about Elise yet.”
I freeze as memories of my wife flood my mind. Us cooking together in the kitchen. Her leaning over my shoulder as I worked on my IT stuff. The way her hair always smelled like strawberries and how much she wanted a baby.
My heart clenches with pain as specific memory surfaces.
Elise lying in a hospital bed, strapped to machines that beeped and whirred with the technology needed to keep her alive. I sat in the chair next to her, holding her hand comfortingly.
I told myself that I was holding her hand because it would make her feel better when she woke up. But the truth was that holding her hand was comforting me. She slept so much in those final days, unable to muster up the energy to keep her eyes open for longer than twenty minutes at a time.
I’d been there for four hours when her eyes finally began to flutter. Her fingers twitched in my hands and when she turned her head, her face lit up when she saw me.
“Cart,” she’d said, her voice soft with weakness. “You’re here.”
“I’m always here.” And it was true. Donating so much money to the hospital meant that I was able to ignore the visiting hours constraints that many other people were forced to adhere to.
She smiled. I stood up and went over to her, gently caressing her cheek. Elise didn’t have hair any more, the chemo had taken it all. That last week she looked nothing like the woman I had fallen in love with. She was a shell of her former self.
“I love you. I wish I didn’t have to leave.”
“I wish you didn’t, either. This is the… the worst thing that could have happened to us.”
A tear escapes but I don’t wipe it.
“Don’t be sad, baby. I know it’s hard now, but as time passes things will get easier. There’s something important I want you to know.”
“Tell me.”
“I love you, and I’ll always love you. I know you’ll always love me, and for a while after I’m gone you’ll feel the need to prove that. But I don’t want you to miss out on the chance to be in love again. If you meet someone, whether it’s the day after I’m gone or ten years from now, I want you to take the chance you deserve to have.”
“Elise, don’t be ridiculous. I could never love someone else. You’re the woman I love and no one will ever be able to replace you.”
“They don’t have to. But if they make you smile and you start to get those butterflies for someone else, don’t feel bad. Pursue it. Give it your best shot. Our time together was short, and I’ve loved every second of it. I’ve loved every second of you. I don’t want your happiness to die with me.”
She’d fallen asleep again soon after that, only awake for about six or seven minutes that time. She was gone only two days later, leaving me a miserable sobbing mess for an entire year afterward.
“Cart? You okay?” Court’s concerned question breaks through my memory. I look up in surprise to see the waiter standing over us, a strange look on his face.
“Yes, sorry. I’ll have the trout with asparagus and your best cabernet.”
The waiter nods before taking out menus and sauntering off to undoubtedly tell the kitchen staff how strange one of the Castle brothers is being today.
“Where did you go just then?” Court asks.
“I don’t know what you mean.”