Page 32
Story: Capture the Rainbow
TEN
THE BEDROOM WASdark except for the soft diffused light streaming through the amber beads of the door when Kendra opened her eyes. For a moment in the haze of first awakening it was so like the many other times she’d awakened in this room that she half expected to hear the chords of a guitar and Billie’s voice softly singing in the other room. But there was no sound except the light rhythmic breathing coming from the other couch against the wall. Billie, she thought drowsily, her gaze wandering to the couch. But the head on the cushions wasn’t copper but raven dark, and the shadowy figure definitely masculine. Joel!
The realization shocked her wide-awake and she sat bolt upright in the bed as a torrent of memories and emotions rushed back to her. The jump, that moment of explosive triumph when she had hit the other side, the sudden dizziness and threatening darkness. She’d scarcely had time to turn off the ignition before that darkness had closed on her. It was evident some time had passed since it was obviously night, but why was Joel in that other bed instead of Billie?
The baby! Had the jarring impact hurt the baby? No, there had been no pain, just that same dizziness she’d known before. The baby was safe, thank heavens. And now that the jump was over, she’d be sure she kept him safe. No more driving off bridges and jumping cliffs while she had him tucked under her heart.
She heard Joel stir in the next bed and it brought her abruptly back to the present. That exquisitely poignant moment in Joel’s arms before the jump had filled her with hope and given her the strength she had needed so desperately. In retrospect, however, she couldn’t understand the joy she’d known. Surely the situation would be just that much worse if Joel did love her. She still couldn’t impose her obligations on anyone else, much less someone she loved as much as Joel. But how could she face him and say the words of rejection again? She’d done it once and it had almost torn the heart from her. She couldn’t go through it again, even if it meant running away from a confrontation before Joel awoke.
She silently swung her legs to the floor and stood up. She moved with catlike softness across the room to the closet. Carefully holding the beaded strands so they wouldn’t click, she grabed jeans, a beige shirt, tennis shoes, and her purse. Then she was gliding toward the door. More beads, she thought crossly. Billie’s “atmosphere” was all very well, but clangy as the devil. Joel must have been sleeping very deeply, though, for he didn’t stir when she passed through the door. There was no sign of Yusef or his bedroll, she noticed, as she dropped her bundle of clothing on one of the wooden kitchen chairs. Where was everybody? Well, she’d just have to worry about that later. Her first priority was getting dressed and away before Joel awoke. Which wasn’t going to be all that easy considering how weak and sluggish she was feeling.
She almost made it. She had just finished tying her tennis shoes, had stood up, and was reaching for her shoulder bag on the table when she heard Joel’s caustic voice behind her. “What’s the hurry? Do you have another canyon to jump before dawn or do you always do flits in the middle of the night?”
She stiffened and drew a deep breath before turning to face him. He was standing in the doorway dressed in black jeans and a black cotton shirt with the sleeves rolled to the elbow. His hair was rumpled and there was a dark shadow of growth on his hollow cheeks that made him look faintly rakish. “I just thought it was time to get up,” she said brightly. “I must have been more tired than I thought to pass out like that.” She moistened her lips nervously. “I assure you I don’t usually sleep from sunrise to sunset. Was the take this morning okay?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea,” Joel said as he came toward her. “I haven’t been out of this house since we brought you down from the canyon after the jump.” He paused. “And it’s considerably later than sunset. It’s almost two in the morning.”
“Two!” she echoed, her eyes widening. She couldn’t have lost that much time. “That’s not possible. I wasn’t that tired.”
“Weren’t you?” He was coming toward her, his expression grim. “According to the doctor who examined you when I brought you back from the canyon, you were suffering from exhaustion, a slight case of anemia, and those tendons in your back may give you trouble for the rest of your life if you don’t stop abusing them. It’s no wonder you collapsed.”
“You had a doctor examine me?” She felt a swift rush of panic. “You had no right to do that without my consent.”
“And you would never have given me that consent, would you, Kendra?” He was close enough so she could see the lines of weariness that were etched in his face and the mauve shadows beneath his eyes. “Because you knew what else the doctor would tell me and you didn’t want that at any cost. You didn’t want me to know about my baby, did you?”
She inhaled sharply, her knees suddenly weak. “Your baby?” she asked, lifting her chin proudly. “It’s not your baby, it’s mine, Joel. It’s my responsibility and I’m not about to involve you. You’re right, I wasn’t going to tell you, because it’s my concern and not yours.”
“Not my concern?” He shook his head incredulously. “What the hell are you talking about? I putmyseed in your body and it will be my child that will be growing in your womb.”
His hand reached out and touched her belly and rested there. She could feel the heavy warmth through her jeans as he rubbed her gently. “It’s my baby in there now, the baby we made together. You can’t say that I’m not involved.” His eyes narrowed. “Or are you trying to tell me I’m not the father?” He shook his head. “No way, sweetheart. I won’t buy it.”
“No, it’s your child,” she admitted wearily. “But that doesn’t change anything. The night of conception had to be atIllusion de l’Arc en Ciel,and you certainly didn’t force yourself on me. Why should you be held liable for making love to a woman you assumed was willing and capable of protecting herself?” Her lips tightened stubbornly. “Don’t worry about me, Joel. The whole thing was my fault and I’ll assume the responsibility. I don’t expect anything from you.”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” His voice was suddenly fierce. “You don’t expect anything: you won’t accept anything. You’re so damn independent that you’d rather lose the baby than let me carry my share of the responsibility.”
“No, that’s not true,” she gasped. “The baby won’t be harmed; I’ll see to that. I’ll rest more and I’ll take iron tablets and—”
“Kendra, for God’s sake, I can’t take any more.” His green eyes were full of torment as he took her shoulders in his hands and looked down at her. “Do you know the hell you’re putting me through? How the devil can you be so damn selfish?”
“Selfish?” Kendra echoed, bewildered. “I’m not asking anything of you.”
“That’s the whole point,” Joel said. “Do you know how much I want to give to you? All my life I’ve been afraid of giving a part of myself and so I’ve stood on the outside looking in at life.” His hands were moving caressingly on her shoulders. “I’m not afraid anymore, Kendra. I don’t care if you don’t feel the same way as I do. All I want is for you to stay with me and let me love you. I’ll take a chance on the rest. Just let me love you and give to you.” He pulled her close and held her with a gentleness that was exquisitely tender. “I have a whole lifetime of loving and giving saved up. Please, don’t shut me out, sweetheart.”
Her hand clutched at his shirt as she buried her face in his shoulder. “It’s not fair,” she whispered, her throat tight and aching with tears. “You said you didn’t have any paternal feelings. I won’t have you caught in that cage you mentioned.”
She felt his chest move beneath her ear as he chuckled. “I said most men didn’t have them, not that I personally didn’t. I want our child very much, love. In the past eighteen hours while you’ve been snoozing so peacefully I’ve been thinking a lot about that.” His lips touched her temple. “In fact, I’ve grown quite primitively possessive about the little tyke. For heaven’s sake, woman, you ought to know I didn’t have any qualms about your becoming pregnant after that night at the hotel.”
“But that was the night you told me—”
“You should have believed the adage about actions speaking louder than words,” he interrupted. “Didn’t it occur to you that if I didn’t want you pregnant, I would have used some protection that night? You’re green as grass, sweetheart, and I was feeling guilty as hell about taking advantage of that naiveté.” His arms tightened about her possessively. “I promised the next time I’d protect you and I broke that promise. I was so desperate I was willing to try every dirty trick in the book, even getting you pregnant.”
“You wanted me to become pregnant?” She leaned back in his arms to look up at him with startled eyes.
“I wanted you any way I could get you,” he said quietly. “I’ve never loved any woman before and I’ll never love another one as long as I live. I know how lonely it gets out there in the world without someone to love and I don’t think I could go back to that now.” He leaned forward to kiss her forehead gently. “Not now, rainbow lady.”
“Joel.” He was breaking her heart into a million pieces. He hadn’t even asked if she loved him, only assumed that she didn’t. How many years of rejection and pain had ingrained that wariness in him? Yet he was willing to yield her his love without even asking for any return commitment. Two tears that had been brimming suddenly rolled down her cheeks. “Joel, I’ve no right to ask you to assume my problems. Casey has no claim on you even if you think your child does.” She met his gaze steadily. “I can’t relinquish my responsibility to him as long as he needs me and I don’t even know how long that will be.”
His eyes were grave as her own. “My rainbow lady wouldn’t know how to turn her back on someone who needed her, I know that,” he said softly. “That’s why I’m counting on her to make room in her heart for me. For there’s no one on the face of the earth who needs her more than I do.”
THE BEDROOM WASdark except for the soft diffused light streaming through the amber beads of the door when Kendra opened her eyes. For a moment in the haze of first awakening it was so like the many other times she’d awakened in this room that she half expected to hear the chords of a guitar and Billie’s voice softly singing in the other room. But there was no sound except the light rhythmic breathing coming from the other couch against the wall. Billie, she thought drowsily, her gaze wandering to the couch. But the head on the cushions wasn’t copper but raven dark, and the shadowy figure definitely masculine. Joel!
The realization shocked her wide-awake and she sat bolt upright in the bed as a torrent of memories and emotions rushed back to her. The jump, that moment of explosive triumph when she had hit the other side, the sudden dizziness and threatening darkness. She’d scarcely had time to turn off the ignition before that darkness had closed on her. It was evident some time had passed since it was obviously night, but why was Joel in that other bed instead of Billie?
The baby! Had the jarring impact hurt the baby? No, there had been no pain, just that same dizziness she’d known before. The baby was safe, thank heavens. And now that the jump was over, she’d be sure she kept him safe. No more driving off bridges and jumping cliffs while she had him tucked under her heart.
She heard Joel stir in the next bed and it brought her abruptly back to the present. That exquisitely poignant moment in Joel’s arms before the jump had filled her with hope and given her the strength she had needed so desperately. In retrospect, however, she couldn’t understand the joy she’d known. Surely the situation would be just that much worse if Joel did love her. She still couldn’t impose her obligations on anyone else, much less someone she loved as much as Joel. But how could she face him and say the words of rejection again? She’d done it once and it had almost torn the heart from her. She couldn’t go through it again, even if it meant running away from a confrontation before Joel awoke.
She silently swung her legs to the floor and stood up. She moved with catlike softness across the room to the closet. Carefully holding the beaded strands so they wouldn’t click, she grabed jeans, a beige shirt, tennis shoes, and her purse. Then she was gliding toward the door. More beads, she thought crossly. Billie’s “atmosphere” was all very well, but clangy as the devil. Joel must have been sleeping very deeply, though, for he didn’t stir when she passed through the door. There was no sign of Yusef or his bedroll, she noticed, as she dropped her bundle of clothing on one of the wooden kitchen chairs. Where was everybody? Well, she’d just have to worry about that later. Her first priority was getting dressed and away before Joel awoke. Which wasn’t going to be all that easy considering how weak and sluggish she was feeling.
She almost made it. She had just finished tying her tennis shoes, had stood up, and was reaching for her shoulder bag on the table when she heard Joel’s caustic voice behind her. “What’s the hurry? Do you have another canyon to jump before dawn or do you always do flits in the middle of the night?”
She stiffened and drew a deep breath before turning to face him. He was standing in the doorway dressed in black jeans and a black cotton shirt with the sleeves rolled to the elbow. His hair was rumpled and there was a dark shadow of growth on his hollow cheeks that made him look faintly rakish. “I just thought it was time to get up,” she said brightly. “I must have been more tired than I thought to pass out like that.” She moistened her lips nervously. “I assure you I don’t usually sleep from sunrise to sunset. Was the take this morning okay?”
“I haven’t the slightest idea,” Joel said as he came toward her. “I haven’t been out of this house since we brought you down from the canyon after the jump.” He paused. “And it’s considerably later than sunset. It’s almost two in the morning.”
“Two!” she echoed, her eyes widening. She couldn’t have lost that much time. “That’s not possible. I wasn’t that tired.”
“Weren’t you?” He was coming toward her, his expression grim. “According to the doctor who examined you when I brought you back from the canyon, you were suffering from exhaustion, a slight case of anemia, and those tendons in your back may give you trouble for the rest of your life if you don’t stop abusing them. It’s no wonder you collapsed.”
“You had a doctor examine me?” She felt a swift rush of panic. “You had no right to do that without my consent.”
“And you would never have given me that consent, would you, Kendra?” He was close enough so she could see the lines of weariness that were etched in his face and the mauve shadows beneath his eyes. “Because you knew what else the doctor would tell me and you didn’t want that at any cost. You didn’t want me to know about my baby, did you?”
She inhaled sharply, her knees suddenly weak. “Your baby?” she asked, lifting her chin proudly. “It’s not your baby, it’s mine, Joel. It’s my responsibility and I’m not about to involve you. You’re right, I wasn’t going to tell you, because it’s my concern and not yours.”
“Not my concern?” He shook his head incredulously. “What the hell are you talking about? I putmyseed in your body and it will be my child that will be growing in your womb.”
His hand reached out and touched her belly and rested there. She could feel the heavy warmth through her jeans as he rubbed her gently. “It’s my baby in there now, the baby we made together. You can’t say that I’m not involved.” His eyes narrowed. “Or are you trying to tell me I’m not the father?” He shook his head. “No way, sweetheart. I won’t buy it.”
“No, it’s your child,” she admitted wearily. “But that doesn’t change anything. The night of conception had to be atIllusion de l’Arc en Ciel,and you certainly didn’t force yourself on me. Why should you be held liable for making love to a woman you assumed was willing and capable of protecting herself?” Her lips tightened stubbornly. “Don’t worry about me, Joel. The whole thing was my fault and I’ll assume the responsibility. I don’t expect anything from you.”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” His voice was suddenly fierce. “You don’t expect anything: you won’t accept anything. You’re so damn independent that you’d rather lose the baby than let me carry my share of the responsibility.”
“No, that’s not true,” she gasped. “The baby won’t be harmed; I’ll see to that. I’ll rest more and I’ll take iron tablets and—”
“Kendra, for God’s sake, I can’t take any more.” His green eyes were full of torment as he took her shoulders in his hands and looked down at her. “Do you know the hell you’re putting me through? How the devil can you be so damn selfish?”
“Selfish?” Kendra echoed, bewildered. “I’m not asking anything of you.”
“That’s the whole point,” Joel said. “Do you know how much I want to give to you? All my life I’ve been afraid of giving a part of myself and so I’ve stood on the outside looking in at life.” His hands were moving caressingly on her shoulders. “I’m not afraid anymore, Kendra. I don’t care if you don’t feel the same way as I do. All I want is for you to stay with me and let me love you. I’ll take a chance on the rest. Just let me love you and give to you.” He pulled her close and held her with a gentleness that was exquisitely tender. “I have a whole lifetime of loving and giving saved up. Please, don’t shut me out, sweetheart.”
Her hand clutched at his shirt as she buried her face in his shoulder. “It’s not fair,” she whispered, her throat tight and aching with tears. “You said you didn’t have any paternal feelings. I won’t have you caught in that cage you mentioned.”
She felt his chest move beneath her ear as he chuckled. “I said most men didn’t have them, not that I personally didn’t. I want our child very much, love. In the past eighteen hours while you’ve been snoozing so peacefully I’ve been thinking a lot about that.” His lips touched her temple. “In fact, I’ve grown quite primitively possessive about the little tyke. For heaven’s sake, woman, you ought to know I didn’t have any qualms about your becoming pregnant after that night at the hotel.”
“But that was the night you told me—”
“You should have believed the adage about actions speaking louder than words,” he interrupted. “Didn’t it occur to you that if I didn’t want you pregnant, I would have used some protection that night? You’re green as grass, sweetheart, and I was feeling guilty as hell about taking advantage of that naiveté.” His arms tightened about her possessively. “I promised the next time I’d protect you and I broke that promise. I was so desperate I was willing to try every dirty trick in the book, even getting you pregnant.”
“You wanted me to become pregnant?” She leaned back in his arms to look up at him with startled eyes.
“I wanted you any way I could get you,” he said quietly. “I’ve never loved any woman before and I’ll never love another one as long as I live. I know how lonely it gets out there in the world without someone to love and I don’t think I could go back to that now.” He leaned forward to kiss her forehead gently. “Not now, rainbow lady.”
“Joel.” He was breaking her heart into a million pieces. He hadn’t even asked if she loved him, only assumed that she didn’t. How many years of rejection and pain had ingrained that wariness in him? Yet he was willing to yield her his love without even asking for any return commitment. Two tears that had been brimming suddenly rolled down her cheeks. “Joel, I’ve no right to ask you to assume my problems. Casey has no claim on you even if you think your child does.” She met his gaze steadily. “I can’t relinquish my responsibility to him as long as he needs me and I don’t even know how long that will be.”
His eyes were grave as her own. “My rainbow lady wouldn’t know how to turn her back on someone who needed her, I know that,” he said softly. “That’s why I’m counting on her to make room in her heart for me. For there’s no one on the face of the earth who needs her more than I do.”