Page 18

It was very soothing sitting there as he stroked the washcloth over her breasts and stomach before he slipped the tweed jacket from her shoulders. She started to shiver again as the cool air touched her damp skin. “I’ll be through here in just a minute and get you something to slip on,” he said as he quickly washed her shoulders and then her arms. “This cut isn’t as bad as I thought. When I first saw the blood I thought you were really hurt. It’s not much more than a scratch.”

“I told you there wasn’t any need to delay the shooting.” She watched as he put antiseptic on the jagged cut and then applied the bandage. “You’ve got the shot all set up and there’s no sense wasting it. If you’ll drive me back, we can still get the take this afternoon.”

“Don’t you ever give up?” He was drying her with a soft terry towel. “The only place you’re going is back to your cottage to rest. Tomorrow you’ll probably be so stiff you won’t be able to move.”

“All the more reason to get the take today,” she insisted stubbornly as she watched him walk to the closet and slip a collarless long-sleeved black shirt from a hanger. “We both know that it was my carelessness that caused the accident and I won’t have anybody saying I held up production just to pamper a few bruises.”

He muttered something obscene as he returned to stand before her. He carefully put her arms into the sleeves of the shirt. “Look, will you just drop it?” He knelt before her, his hands at the buttons at the bottom of the shirt. “You’re shaking so much you can hardly sit up and you’re still trying to prove you’re some kind of superwoman.” He wasn’t looking at her, his gaze fixed with intentness on the buttons he was fastening. “You don’t have to be so blasted strong twenty-four hours out of every day.” His voice was oddly husky. “Let someone help you once in a while, for heaven’s sake. Letmehelp you, Kendra.”

Her gaze was fixed on the hands buttoning the black shirt and she saw to her amazement that she wasn’t the only one who was trembling. Joel’s long slender fingers were shaking so badly he barely managed to fasten the two bottom buttons. She noticed for the first time that he was sickly pale. “Joel,” she said hesitatingly, her eyes dark with concern. “What’s wrong? Are you ill?”

He drew a deep shuddering breath, still not looking at her. “You might say that. I feel pretty sick at the moment anyway.” He gave up the struggle with the buttons and rested his forehead against her breast, his eyes closed. “Oh Lord, do I ever feel sick.”

Her hands went up instinctively to tangle in the dark crispness of his hair, holding him to her protectively. “Joel, I don’t understand…”

He nestled his head against her like a weary little boy, pushing aside the open shirt to press his cheek to the warmth of her bare breasts. “You’re so soft, so womanly. I had almost forgotten in the last two weeks.” His lips brushed lightly over one gentle rise. “I never meant to hurt you, Kendra. As God is my witness, I never wanted to cause you a moment’s pain or danger. Please believe me.”

“I believe you.” Kendra’s throat was clogged as she tenderly stroked his hair. “Of course I believe you, Joel.”

“I don’t know how you can.” His cheek was slightly rough as he rubbed against her breast with a movement that was more affectionate than sensual. “Not after what I’ve put you through in the last couple of weeks, what I did to you today. And you’re wrong, it wasn’t your fault we didn’t get that take today. It was mine. Everything that happened to you today was my fault and if you had been seriously injured, that would have been my fault, too.” He laughed mirthlessly. “I tried to tell myself I was doing it for your own good, to show you that the kind of punishment you’re subjected to isn’t worth the bucks you get for your work. But I knew inside that was pure unadulterated bull. You were right. I wanted to prove you less than you are. I wanted you to surrender. Not only because that would keep you safe, but it would keep me safe as well. You were already possessing my body; I didn’t want to give you a chance at taking over my soul as well. Can you understand that?”

Oh yes, she could understand that. His words reflected a mirror image of the struggle she had been going through herself since that night at his House of Rainbows. The realization that the battle had been shared by the man she was holding in her arms brought her a sudden feeling of kinship, a lessening of defensive antagonism. His simple honesty was a weapon against which she had no defense. “You were only doing your job,” she said with an unexplainable desire to comfort him. “I realize that.”

He raised his head to look at her and his eyes were dark with pain. “You’re lying. You knew what I was doing to you. I could see it in your face every time I pushed you a little bit more. Sometimes I could see how exhausted you were and I’d want to yell cut, then run out and scoop you up and protect you against all the dragons in your world.” His lips curved bitterly. “But how could I do that when I was one of those dragons myself? So I pushed you even harder and watched you lose weight, saw the circles appear beneath your eyes.” His finger reached out to touch the hollow of her cheek. “I watched the strain grow in you until it was an aching pain inside me.” He shook his head in bewilderment. “Because by that time I felt as if we were linked somehow so that I could actually tell what you were feeling. Lord, Freud would have had a field day with me for the last two weeks.”

“You could have stopped at any time, you know,” she said with a wry smile. “I guarantee I wouldn’t have objected to a cessation of hostilities if you’d cared to hoist a truce flag.”

He shook his head, “I couldn’t do that.” His finger traced a gentle path to her lower lip. “Because you see, I wasn’t doing what I set out to do. I was losing ground every day, with every moment I spent with you. You were coming closer all the time and I couldn’t let that happen. I was watching more than your exhaustion and discomfort; I was watching youendure.I was watching your strength and determination, your quiet friendliness with everyone on the set.” He frowned. “Everyone but me. God, I was jealous when I’d see you laughing and joking with Billie. Your face would light up and suddenly you’d look as young and carefree as a kid. Then you’d look at me and you’d close up again. I didn’t know why, but it hurt, dammit. Everything you did and said hurt me.”

The mirror again. “I had to close up,” she said. “I couldn’t let you hurt me. My life is difficult enough without my becoming vulnerable to a man who won’t see me as I am.”

“That’s what I’m trying to say,” he said. “I fought it like hell, but it hasn’t done any good. You’re not a rainbow lady to me anymore.” His eyes were grave. “You’re real to me now. More real than anyone I’ve ever known. And I’m not fighting anymore, Kendra. After I saw you lying at the bottom of the hill, I knew I had lost that particular battle.” He framed her face with his hands, and they were magically gentle. “I’ll never hurt you again. I only want to show you that I’m not quite the bastard I’ve been acting. Will you let me do that?”

“It wouldn’t make any difference,” she said haltingly. “A relationship between us isn’t going to pan out. There are too many factors working against us.”

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I have a choice any longer.” His eyes were quietly compelling. “I’m not asking you to move in with me. I think I know you well enough to realize you’d be too wary to consider it.” His lips twisted. “Surprisingly enough, I find I don’t even want that right now.” His gaze dropped to the cleavage revealed by the open shirt. “I can’t give any guarantee how long my celibate mood will last, however. I think you know how much I desire you.” He smiled slightly as he noticed the unmistakable response to that casual glance and bent to brush his lips against the taut pink tip. “And you desire me too, don’t you, love? I don’t know how long either of us is going to hold out, but I think we ought to try.” His hands left her face to finish buttoning her shirt. “Sex has a way of confusing issues and I want everything between us to be crystal clear from now on.” The last button was fastened and he sat back on his heels. “You haven’t answered me.”

There was a flicker of anxiety in his eyes that melted any remaining protest she might have made. It was probably not wise, but she knew what her answer was going to be. He had touched her on too many levels for her to do anything else.

“You’ll have to clarify the question,” she teased. “All you’ve told me so far is what youdon’twant to do.”

She could feel the tension ebb out of him. “If clarification is what you need, I’ll be glad to oblige.” He leaned forward and took her carefully in his arms and held her for a long, peaceful moment. Then he lifted her chin to look into her eyes. “I want you to let me be with you. I’ll postpone the stunts for a week but I still want you with me on the set. I want you by my side every minute we can squeeze into the day. I want to hold you in my arms like this whenever we get the chance, and when the opportunity presents itself, I want to kiss you.” His lips covered hers with a softness and tenderness that was so moving she could feel warmth unfold down deep inside her. He lifted his head. “Like that. We’ll leave the rest up to time and the winds of fate. Okay?”

“Okay,” she said softly. She wasn’t cold anymore despite the fact that she was still trembling. That glowing warmth was spreading through her like rays of sunlight. “We’ll leave it up to fate.”

He kissed her once more with slow, lingering tenderness. “Which will be a departure for both of us, my very pragmatic lady.” He drew a deep, shaky breath and released her. “Now I think it’s time I took you back to your cottage and let you get to bed.” He grimaced. “And I’ll go back to the set and see about rearranging the shooting schedule for next week.” He held up his hand as she started to protest. “It’s worth it,” he murmured. “That’s the way I want it.” He pulled her to her feet, his arm slipping around her waist possessively. He suddenly frowned. “You’re still shivering.”

“It’s nothing,” she said lightly. “I’ll have Yusef make me a cup of tea when I get home and I’ll be fine.”

“Yusef?” His face cleared. “I had forgotten Billie’s surprise package. I gather you’re not having any problems with him underfoot?”

“It wouldn’t matter if we were,” she said lightly. “Where Billie goes, so goes her faithful St. Bernard, complete with rescue brandy and very sharply pointed teeth. He’s appointed himself ourmajordomo.He keeps the cottage clean, washes our clothes, he’s even decided that the commissary food isn’t nourishing enough for Billie, so he cooks at least one meal a day.” She laughed. “I’m just on the outer fringe of all this devotion and I still feel smothered.”

He chuckled. “I can imagine how our little gypsy is reacting. I suppose he’s no longer sleeping on your doorstep?”

Kendra shook her head with an answering grin. “Billie moved his bedroll into a corner of the living room the night after I arrived. She was afraid he might catch cold. I’m not sure who’s adopting whom. It turns out Yusef knew some English and now she’s making him speak it all the time. I think she’s trying to prepare him for a vocation other than bordello bouncer. She may hit you for work for him any day now.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” Joel said dryly. “I just hope she doesn’t havemyjob in mind for him.” He opened the door and helped her down the steps. “At the moment I’d rather he be on hand to keep an eye on you.”