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“Then why apologize?” she asked.
“Because I knew neither of us were in our right mind.”
Jessica thought back through last night. At any point had she confessed her feelings to him?
She couldn’t recall. Without that information, without some knowledge that she’d been harboring a crush on him for weeks, she could understand his own mental gymnastics.
“In the interest of salvaging whatever this is, Samuel?” She glanced at him, frustrated she couldn’t have this conversation face to face. “I have had a crush on you almost since the very beginning. I have watched you do yoga and had some very adult ideas, okay? Do you still think I made an emotional decision based on trauma? Only on trauma, I should say.”
“You—what?” He gaped at her, looking a lot like the one fish they’d caught on their excursion. “I thought…”
“You thought I hated you? Yeah, we covered that yesterday. At least I thought we did. I swear… It makes so much sense why I like you. So much sense it’s laughable.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“We both over-think everything, the only difference is that I’ll talk your ear off while I over-think myself to death and you’re over there just digging us both a damn hole. Are we going to bury ourselves in this hole?”
Samuel sputtered a laugh.
“I’m so glad you can laugh right now because I’m still not okay. Sweet baby Jesus, do you realize that my head went to, did I make this guy have sex with me?”
“No,” he said quickly.
She blew out a breath. Again. Deep breathing was her go-to at this point.
He turned to face her, and damn if she didn’t squirm as the full power of that gaze was laid on her. “I… I really just wanted to clear the air. Make things okay. And you didn’t make me do anything. I kissed you first.”
“Thank you! I was beginning to wonder if I remembered it all wrong. If it was all in my head.” She glanced at him, still frustrated they couldn’t pause and have this conversation face-to-face. “I genuinely like you, Samuel. Yes, we aren’t always going to agree about things, but you on a basic, human level? I think you’re a really good person. And you tried to save my friend and got hurt in the process. That’s like an instant I’m-going-to-crush-on-you combo. You’re attractive. We have similar ideals and drives. We’re in careers that are parallel. Did I mention you’re hot?”
“You said attractive the first time.”
“Okay, well, they’re both true. But my point is, fuck your reasoning. Under completely normal circumstances I needed no encouragement to willingly have sex with you. None. Just a green light.”
Oh. My. God. She had to stop talking before she started digging this hole.
“May I ask a question?”
She tossed her head back. “Please! Let’s have a fucking conversation instead.”
Unlike her over-the-top reactions, he was quiet for a moment. He sat with his shoulder against the door and most of his attention on her, though he did glance at the road and mirrors every few moments.
“Why did you automatically go to, you forced me?” he asked.
She groaned and almost banged her head on the wheel. Almost. There were more cars on the road now and the last thing they needed was an incident.
Jessica drew in a calming breath and gripped the wheel with both hands. “A reoccurring criticism I receive from men is that I’m too forward.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I emasculate men because I don’t always wait for them to make the first move.”
He blinked at her a few times as if they weren’t speaking the same language. “How is that a problem?”
“Thank you! It shouldn’t be. It does help me weed out the guys who are not going to be okay with me being more successful than they are, but it also sucks to hear that over and over and over again.”
“I’m thinking the problem isn’t you and more about where you’re picking up men. Shit.”
“So maybe you understand why my head just spun right off? Granted, I probably overreacted back there. I tend to do things like that when I haven’t had a lot of sleep.”