Page 41

I entered the shop. Tools were out on the floor. The radio was blasting at its usual volume, but I didn’t see him.

“Keefer?”

I looked at the small office, but it was dark. I walked around the cars that were there for repair and then I started toward the door to his apartment. Where else would he be? I thought, and realized he might have stepped out to buy some beer or something.

When I opened the door, I heard a groan. My first thought was that something terrible had happened to him. Either he had gotten hurt in the shop or his drunken father had come looking for him and beaten him up again.

Then I heard her laugh and saw her rise up on the sofa. She was half-naked, her breasts gleaming in the light from the small lamp. She saw me and cried out. A second later, Keefer appeared and they both looked at me. My surprise and shock had nailed my feet to the floor, even though all I could think of doing was turning and running.

“Why, look who’s here, Keefer. Robin. You come to have Keefer fix somethin‘ for you, honey?” Charlotte Lily teased as she reached for her blouse and slipped it over her head.

Keefer pushed her off him, buckled his pants, and stood.

“No, looks like you’re the one getting fixed tonight, Charlotte Lily,” I said, the tears burning under my eyelids because I refused to let them emerge.

She laughed.

“I thought he wasn’t worth the time of day,” I said, my anger now replacing my shock. “Slummin‘ tonight?”

She laughed again, but with less confidence. Keefer glanced at her and then took a deep breath and started toward me.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Keefer, unless she was a big disappointment. That’s probably most likely,” I added, threw her a cold smile, and then turned and left the apartment, closing the door hard behind me.

I heard her laugh again and then Keefer tell her to shut up.

When I was outside the shop and on the street, I permitted my tears to escape. I flicked them off my cheeks and walked quickly away.

I kept walking, at first in no particular direction, and then in the direction of the apartment. It was a long walk. Cars rushed by me, sometimes the drivers sounding their horns because I was too far in the street. Every once in a while, I felt like throwing myself in front of one, but the prospect of all that pain without being killed right off frightened me.

Somewhere in the city behind me, with all its lights blazing excitement, the music rolling out into the streets, people laughing and joking, enjoying their vacations or their evening with friends, somewhere out there, Mother darling was singing her heart out, reaching for her dream.

I was as far from her thoughts as I could be, so far, in fact, it was as if I had never been born.

Maybe I wasn’t, I thought. Maybe this is all just a bad dream, and I’m still sleeping in that never-never land where souls exist until they are chosen to be born. I was like an orphan passed over time and time again. Not this one, she’s not ready to be in the world, I heard the angels say.

“Just keep dreaming, honey. Just keep dreaming. We’ll tell you when it’s time to wake up.”

Even promises in heaven are broken, I thought.

9

Always Us Against Them

After marching along the highway for nearly half an hour, I felt a pair of headlights remain on me.

Here I go again, I thought. The police. Someone probably complained about a young girl walking on the highway. I heard the horn, and then I stepped aside and turned in anticipation.

It was Keefer in Izzy’s truck.

“Get in, Robin,” he said.

“No.”

“Just get in. I need to talk to you. You’ve got a ways to go, and you’re in the middle of all this traffic. Don’t be stupid.”

“Why should I change now?” I replied. “Seems all I do is stupid things.”