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“Where are you going?” Kathy Ann asked.

“I’m going shopping,” I said. “I need some new clothes.”

“Can you wait? I’ll go with you. I love shopping, even when it’s someone else doing it.”

I’m not sure what department store to go to anyway, I thought. She would know.

“Okay, but don’t take too long.”

She hurried back into her apartment and I went to the faded brown bench that was near the empty swimming pool. I heard another door close and saw a woman holding the hand of a little boy and a little girl. They looked close enough in age to be twins. The woman paused to fix the little boy’s collar, and then she kissed him on the cheek and he smiled. As if she could sense her daughter’s envy, she turned, brushed her hair, and kissed her as well. Then the three walked to the parking lot, an aura of happiness and contentment surrounding them.

That’s what love really is, I thought, a thick cocoon that helps you feel safe, secure, and most of all, cherished.

For a moment I actually missed Grandpa and Grandma. Despite his hard, critical eyes, there were moments when the three of us sat and watched television or ate a meal together and I felt like I belonged to a family. Grandma was so gentle and loving that she softened him, and he would go on about some adventure he had when he was about my age. For just a little while, a door had been opened and I could look in and see enough to make me understand what it was that connected me to him, to Grandma, to this idea of family.

But then Mother darling would come home or say something and the door would slam shut again.

I heard a door slam shut and looked up to see Kathy Ann practically bouncing toward me.

“Let’s go,” she said. “I want to buy something for Axel, something to give him the next time he calls.”

“Where should we go?”

“Let’s go to Dillards,” she suggested. “C’mon, we’ll catch the bus. So, why did you leave Charlotte Lily’s house like that?”

“I had to be home by eleven, and it was already close to midnight,” I said.

“Oh. How did you get home?”

“I took a taxicab,” I said, instinctively deciding not to reveal Keefer Dawson.

She believed me an

d then spent the rest of our travel time talking about Axel. From the way she spoke about him, I thought it wasn’t only the first time she had made love, it was the first time she had been with anyone. She went on and on about the promises he had made to her concerning their future, how he was going to make sure she had tickets to all the home games, and how he would take her to dances and parties.

“Promises can be like balloons,” I told her. “They look and feel good when they’re pumped up, but they all leak and eventually fall to earth.”

“Not my promises,” she vowed. “And when my daddy makes my stepmother a promise, he always keeps it.”

“Goody goody for her,” I said.

“And he keeps the promises he makes to me most of the time. Didn’t your father do that, before he was killed in the plane crash, I mean?”

I gazed out the window without replying.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I know it’s painful for you to think about it. Let’s just think about good things. I know, I’ll practice my Spanish. How’s that?”

“Whatever,” I said, and she began a catalogue of Spanish words for common things.

After a while I didn’t hear her anymore. I felt tight inside, like my stomach had been tied into a knot and everything in it and around it was being squeezed. No, I didn’t have a father to even break his promises to me, and now, now I wasn’t permitted to have a mother. I was the balloon I spoke about. My life was just full of hot air, and I was leaking badly. Soon, I would fall to earth.

When we arrived at the department store, Kathy Ann went to the men’s department to search for a gift for Axel. I went to the women’s clothing area, and after a while, I found a young-miss skirt and blouse I really liked. I thought about Keefer Dawson and how he would appreciate seeing me in the outfit. The skirt was nearly sixty dollars, however, and the blouse was another thirty. One wouldn’t be good without the other.

The saleslady was a little overwhelmed, which gave me the opportunity to take the skirt and the blouse into the fitting room together. I had done this before, so I felt confident about it. I put the blouse on under my blouse and made sure it was well hidden. Then I came out with the skirt and told the saleslady I wanted to buy it.

She glanced at me quickly and asked me to wait until she was finished with the customer ahead of me or else go to another register. That was even better, so I went toward the front of the store and placed the skirt on the counter. The cashier ran it through the register, and I paid her with Cory’s money. Now that I had what I wanted, I wanted very much to get out of the store and away, but I didn’t see Kathy Ann anywhere. Nevertheless, I thought it would be wiser to leave, so I did.

Not more than a minute after I left the store, a tall, dark-haired man in a suit and tie seized my left elbow, squeezing it hard enough to make me wince.