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“We all do. It won’t be easy, but you don’t have to dig alone. I’m here. I can help.”

“Not in this, River. I’ve been thinking a lot. Heck, that’s all I did for a week. Think and cry. Cry and think.”

“So, what’s next?”

“I have to go back to where it all started. I have to go see my mother first. I won’t be able to deal with myself and Dylan until I face her. This has been a long time coming.”

“If you want me to come with you—”

“No.” I cut her off. “I need to do this alone. But fist I have a few text messages to respond to.”

* * *

I start with Tommy.

Becca: Hey. Sorry for ghosting you for a week. I’m OK.

Five seconds is all it took for my phone to ring. “Hi.”

“What the hell, Becca. I’ve been worried sick. I didn’t even know if you were alive or dead. Dylan won’t tell me what happened. He spends the entire day locked in his office staring at his computer. He shut down and won’t say a freaking word.” Tommy’s voice is both angry and sad.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry for worrying you. I wasn’t in a good place and needed some time away.”

“What the hell happened?”

My eyes sting. “It’s not something I want to talk about, but I’m okay, you don’t have to worry.”

“Did he do something? Did Dylan hurt you somehow?” His voice rises.

Hearing Dylan’s name again makes my heart ache. “No. This has nothing to do with Dylan. It’s on me. I had a panic attack. And I need time to figure some things out.”

“Where are you? I’ve been to your dorm a dozen times. I even made them open your room. I thought … God. I thought you hurt yourself.”

Jesus. I never imagined Tommy would be that worried about me. “I’m at a friend’s house. I’m okay, Tommy. I swear. And I’ll be back in a couple of days.”

There’s a long silence where all I can hear is him breathing.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“I am. I promise …” I hesitate. “How is he?”

“Miserable, grouchy, running morning, noon, and night.”

Running. That’s what Dylan does when he can’t sleep, or when he’s stressed out. “Listen, I have to go. But I’ll be back on campus next week. I have a few things I have to do first. But then I’ll see you and … and maybe fix this mess I made.”

“I want you and him to be happy. He’s happiest when he’s with you.”

“I’m happiest when I’m with him too.”

Chapter Fifty-One

Becca:Give me time, please.

Chapter Fifty-Two

I pause on the sidewalk,my feet hesitating to take that next step.

Everything is the same and yet so different. It’s been nearly four years since I last stepped foot in the house. It has never been a home. Not in all the years I lived here. Time worked its unforgiving will over the building. It looks smaller than I remember. The walls, once white, are now the kind of muted gray only time and age can paint on.