Page 84

“Hey.” Laurie enters my apartment, her car keys jangling as she walks toward me. “How are you feeling this morning?”
“The morning sickness is getting better.”
“Thankgod.The doctor said it should subside by the fourth month.”
“Yep.”
Laurie has been my rock and my go-to during this entire pregnancy. I haven’t told anyone else I’m pregnant, but she makes me feel less alone through the whole process.
Every test, every new symptom, every doctor’s appointment—she’s here for it all.
“We should get going now. We don’t want to be late for the appointment.”
I snap my laptop shut, done with work for the day. The best part of setting up my own consulting business is that I get to set up my hours, and I’m no longer at the mercy of timelines from sponsors.
“Let’s get going.”
An hour later, I’m lying flat in a small clinic room as the technician splotches some clear gel on my bump. At four months, I’m already showing, though it is still small.
“So cold.”
“I’m sorry.” The technician smiles, as he starts spreading the gel with the ultrasound wand, pressing my belly harder here and there. “Here you are.”
He turns the screen so that we can see it too and points at a lighter area on the screen. “See this here? This is your baby.”
Laurie’s by my side, holding my hand. We both gasp at the tiny baby on the screen. Arms, legs, head, the body is already forming.
“Oh mygod,”I mutter, tears forming in my eyes.
“Q, do you see that? That’s your baby right there. You made that.” Laurie’s voice chokes up.
The technician smiles at us both. “Would you like to hear the baby’s heartbeat?”
I nod immediately. She presses a button, and a rapid thumping sound surrounds us.
I frown. “Why is it so fast?”
“It’s not fast for the baby. That’s just perfect.”
I’m transfixed, feeling like I’ve just had all the air knocked out of me.
“How does it feel?” Laurie looks just as in awe as I am.
“It feels…” I look at the little head on the screen, “Realer than it ever has.”
It’s not that it didn’t feel real before this moment. But there is something life-changing about hearing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time—solidifying your new reality as a parent-to-be.
“Oh, honey.” Laurie squeezes my hand as the tears begin streaming down my face. “Don’t cry.”
The technician hands me a few paper towels a couple of minutes later. “Here you go. All done.”
As we leave, my chest is squeezed too tight.
“I can’t help but think what Enzo would have said had he been here.”
I haven’t been able to pluck the courage to tell him yet. He has probably moved on with his life now, unbeknownst to the fact that he’ll be a father for the fourth time.
“Honey,you know you still have the option of telling him. He should know. He should get the choice to be in the baby’s life or not. And you shouldn’t have to do this alone.”