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The way my pulse was chugging extra hard at the thought of the way my life was getting ready to change. A gong resounding in my head, pain splitting it in two, my mind all fucked up at the possibility of Maci being out there in the mix.
What that might be like.
The perfection of it, while I knew it was entirely wrong.
Knowing it was insane that I had let that claim roll off my tongue when my life was what it was. When I waswhoI was.
Knowing the things I did and what I was involved in.
What I planned on doing four days from now, plus the Sovereign business we had coming up in two weeks.
But it’d already been delivered as fact.
“A ten? No way am I good enough for that!” Raven, River’s baby sister and Otto’s fiancée, was teasing him as she helped him jump back onto his feet.
Charleigh was there beside them with one of her unending smiles on her pretty face.
The two women were pure, striking beauties. Inside and out. River and Otto were lucky fucking bastards, somehow managing to gain the love of those two.
“You gotta believe in yourself, Auntie.” Nolan shouted it. “That’s what my uncle Otto always tells me, at least.”
Raven cast a glance at Otto who was leaning against the counter next to River, two of them nursing beers. Dude had nothing but hearts in his eyes, smitten as hell.
He tipped his bottle her direction and called, “Come now, Moonflower, show our little dude what you’ve got.”
Raven cracked up and dropped to the floor and started spinning herself around the way Nolan had been doing.
“What about you, Momma Dog?” Nolan cast his beaming grin up at Charleigh.
She giggled, and I would have laughed too if the title Momma hadn’t struck me this way.
Grief for a little girl who was going to have a hole carved out in the middle of herself forever.
The same kind of hole that throbbed inside of me.
No goddamn way for me to fill it when I wanted to be the one who could shield her from every sadness and sorrow. Hold her up high the way I’d done in the lake.
Protect her always.
Both her physical safety and her sweet, innocent heart.
“I think I’m fine on my feet,” Charleigh said as she did some horrible dance move that threatened a smile at the edge of my mouth. “See?”
As hard as I was trying to play this shit off, could feel the way my crew kept peeking my way.
Otto and River peeping at me like I was some riddle they were trying to solve.
In discomfort, I shifted in my seat because I didn’t need to be the target of their questions today.
Not when everything felt too heavy.
The magnitude of the shift.
What had I done? Demanding that I bring that kid into my life?
My chest ached. Even though I knew it, there was no chance of a different outcome.
Knew there was no letting go. The instinct I had. This promise that had to be made.