Page 54

That thought had crossed my mind ever since Karissa had said she was pansexual, but I just…I didn’t see it. When I thought about her, there was no flutter in my chest, no warmth. None of that instant feeling when you felt something for someone else. The spark just wasn’t there. Not to say that it couldn’t develop, but for right now, I wasn’t feeling it.

“No, thanks. My friends are already on the lookout for me,” I said with a laugh.

“There are a lot of queer people in Arrowbridge, I’ve noticed,” Tenley said.

“It’s true. This whole area has had an influx for some reason,” I said. “Very different than when we were growing up.”

“Is that why you didn’t want to come out in high school?” she asked. “There were more than a few I remember.”

“I know,” I said, feeling uncomfy with this particular topic.

“Sorry,” Tenley said. “You don’t have to defend yourself to me.”

We were both silent for a few moments, each lost in thought.

“I should probably get going,” I said, even though the prospect of going back to my empty apartment made me want to curl up into a ball. I really should look into getting a pet of some sort. Even fish would be something living and breathing to talk to, even if they didn’t answer back.

“You haven’t overstayed your welcome, if that’s what you’re thinking. I mean, you could stay over if you want. I have plenty of bedrooms I’m not using,” Tenley said, gesturing to the upstairs. I hadn’t been up there, but I had assumed that with the size of the house, there were at least two or more bedrooms.

“Originally I thought I was going to have roommates in this house but then I remembered that I despise most people so now I just have a guest room, an office, and one bedroom that serves as my closet and makeup room. even though I still do my makeup every day while sitting on the floor in front of the mirror in my bedroom,” she said.

“Living with strangers in college was more than enough for me,” I said. “It’s one of the reasons I waited so long to get my own place. I wanted to be able to afford it without someone else.”

“Not even Lark? You two are pretty close,” she said.

“Exactly. I wouldn’t want living with her to completely destroy our friendship,” I said, laughing. “Besides, she’s very happy with Sydney and I wouldn’t want to be around all of that all the time.”

“They seem pretty good together, from what I’ve seen,” Tenley said.

“You’ll get a full dose of it on Thursday at book club. There are so many couples going now, it’s kind of ridiculous,” I said.

“Mmm, just what I need. Happy couples,” Tenley said, frowning.

I reached out and squeezed her hand. “It won’t always hurt like this.”

Tenley’s eyes filled up with tears and she gave me a sad smile. “I’m going to be really excited to get to the anger part of the grief process.”

“Call me when that happens. I’ll help you burn all his shit,” I said, standing up and going to get my shoes.

“I knew I put in that fire pit in the backyard for a reason,” she said, following me with slumped shoulders.

“Hey,” Tenley said when I stood up from putting my shoes on. “I know you didn’t have to come over and I owe you about 500 favors, but thank you for coming over. I know you’re not my fake girlfriend anymore, but we could still…you know. Hang out. I have a lot of free time now.” Her laugh was more sad than anything.

“We can hang out,” I said. “You can start by repaying the favors by letting me borrow books from your library.” Having Tenley’s books as a source of reading material was going to save me a lot of money. Arrowbridge did have a library, but it was pretty small and lacking especially in enough sapphic romances.

Tenley pressed her lips together and I could tell she was fighting with herself about letting me borrow books.

“I didn’t ruin that last book,” I said. “And I gave you a bookmark.”

Tenley inhaled through her nose. “You did. It was in good condition when you gave it back. I think we can come to some kind of arrangement.”

“Great,” I said, and leaned forward to give her a hug on an impulse. Tenley froze for a second, as if she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. I held her until her arms went around me and I felt her relax into me. Her breath stirred my hair and I felt her heart pounding in her chest.

“Thanks for being my fake girlfriend,” she said in a soft voice.

“You’re welcome, Tenley,” I said. “It was a pleasure.”

I walked out the front door and didn’t look back, no matter how much I wanted to.