Page 192

His chest rose, and when next he spoke, his voice sounded as pained as my chest felt. “Like what, Sera?”

I couldn’t say the words that invaded my mind. They were wrong to think, even if Kolis’s assaults hadn’t escalated. But had that not still happened? When he bit me, holding me as he found pleasure? It was different, not anywhere near as bad as what far too many people had suffered—even Veses, who had said it was nothing. But what happened to me wasn’t nothing—

No.

It didn’t matter because whatever Kolis did or didn’t do, it didn’t make me what that fucking voice in my mind whispered. I knew that. Because I didn’t look at those taken in by the Ladies of Mercy as tainted. I didn’t think Aios was tainted. Gemma wasn’t dirty. I looked up at Ash. He wasn’t ruined. They were none of those things.

So, I wasn’t.

I saw Ash’s lips moving and knew he was speaking, but that thing, the voice that had made a home for itself in the back of my mind, was firing off thoughts, one after another, leaving no room for a reprieve. It was my voice, and it was louder than Ash’s, even though I knew he’d never think of me in that way. Not him. Not after what he’d lived through. But that voice questioned if he still saw me as strong. Never truly afraid. Not weak. Not someone who needed to be handled like fragile, damaged, blown glass. Treated as if they were on the verge of shattering. And was that what I was now, for whatever short time I had left? My fingers turned numb.

The embers throbbed faintly in my chest as I forced myself to breathe in, but I couldn’t get my lungs to inflate. My wild gaze darted from him as I opened my mouth wider, trying to take in air, but it was thick and—

My chest rose, but I didn’t think it went back down. I couldn’t exhale. And that meant I couldn’t inhale. I couldn’t breathe—

Ash’s eyes were suddenly level with mine. “Slow down.” Everything about him changed in an instant. His posture. The volume and cadence of his speech. “Slow your breathing down, liessa,” he ordered in that steady, soft way of his. “Listen to me.”

I didn’t understand what he was saying for a moment, and then it broke through the fog of panic creeping into my mind. It wasn’t that I couldn’t breathe. It was always that I breathed too fast, the breaths too quick and shallow.

“Press the tip of your tongue against the back of your upper teeth. Keep your mouth closed, and inhale through your nose, Sera.” His hand flattened against my upper chest, and the other splayed across my back as I did as he instructed. “Don’t exhale. Hold it for a count of four, remember? One. Two. Three. Four.”

Pulse racing, I counted as he used his hands to guide my shoulders back, straightening my spine. I hadn’t even realized I’d begun to curl in on myself.

“Now, exhale for the same count.” He did the same, exhaling for four seconds. “Keep going. Keep breathing with me.”

I mimicked him, forcing the air down my throat and into my lungs.

“That’s it.” He smiled, and my eyes pricked with tears. “You’ve got this, liessa.”

Something beautiful.

Something powerful.

“Now, inhale again through the nose. That’s good.” His eyes never left mine as he went through the motions until the tiny bursts of light faded from my vision and the trembling in my body receded. “One more deep breath, okay? Keep your tongue to your teeth. Hold for four.”

I did as he said, finally feeling as if my lungs were no longer being crushed. My chest loosened.

“Better?” he asked.

“Y-yeah,” I whispered, my voice hoarse. “Yes. I’m…I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Sera. It’s okay.” He remained close, his hands on my upper chest and back, tracking my breaths. “You’ve got this, and I’ve got you.”

A faint shudder ran through me as I dragged in a deeper breath, catching hints of his citrus-and-fresh-air scent.

Ash watched me for several moments. “Still feeling better?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and counted to five before reopening them. “I’m okay,” I stated, voice steadier, stronger. I lifted my gaze to him. The anxiety was still there, holed up inside me, still whispering that Ash and I wouldn’t be as we once were during whatever time I had left, be it days or hours—and I really didn’t think it was days. And the only way to shut the voice up was to prove it wrong. “Ash?”

“Yes?”

“If I asked you to touch me right now, would you?” My face was definitely on fire now. “If I asked you—”

“I will do anything you ask of me, Sera.” Silvery streaks of essence whipped through his eyes. “Anything.”

“If I asked you to touch me like you did the first time I bathed in your chamber, would you?” I insisted. “Would you kiss me—?”

Ash’s mouth was on mine before I could say another word, and…oh, gods, it was so apparent that he didn’t see me as a fragile piece of glass. Not with the way his lips moved against mine. There was nothing gentle about his kiss. It was all-consuming and relentless. His arm came around my waist as he stepped into me, sealing our bodies together as his head tilted. He deepened the kiss as the feel of his body overwhelmed my senses: the hard coolness of his chest, the strength of his thighs, and the hard, thick press of his cock against my belly. All I felt was desire—heady, heated desire. He parted my lips and thrust his tongue into my mouth. A shiver ran through me as I released my death grip on my gown and grabbed his shoulders. My nails pressed into his flesh as I kissed him back, stroking my tongue over his—over the edges of his fangs. I felt his shudder in every part of me.