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His gaze narrowed on me. “Do you know what others would do for this gift?” He actually sounded affronted.

“I don’t care. Never, Raphael.Never.”

He rolled his eyes. “You know drinking my blood won’t turn you into a vampire, don’t you? For that, I’d also need to drain your blood.”

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t want any ofthatin me.”

Frustration etched over his features. “Back to thinking of me as a monster, I see. Even though it was your fellow humans who beat you like an animal.”

I flinched at his words. Shame filled me, twofold. For one, he was wrong. I wasn’t a victim. I’d done it to myself. Or at least I had, until Devoin took over.

All because I wanted to prove I was worthy.

And again… I did consider him a monster. In the most literal sense: Vampires were animated after death and consumed the life-force of others with their teeth.

But I wasn’t so naïve that I couldn’t see there were monsters made in life too.

I forced my shoulders to relax, if only because squeezing them hurt. “I begin to wonder if there is anyone who isn’ta monster.”Nelson. Devoin.“I am… grateful for what you did. But this is my line. Please respect it.”

I readied for him to argue that I was being stupid again. That he knew better, and I should stop being foolish. Though I couldn’t fathom why he cared if I lived or died. I’d served my purpose.

He exhaled in resignation and slid into the chair by my bed. “Very well. If you insist. Though I’m going to need to change your bandages. You sweat through them before your fever broke.”

He left and returned a moment later with a jar of salve. A single whiff told me it was higher quality than anything I’d ever touched at Greymere.

It would’ve been easiest if I rolled onto my stomach. Even propping myself up on the pillow hurt. But that felt too vulnerable, and I couldn’t feel vulnerable now. Not around anyone. It was a massive effort to sit up enough for Raphael to slide behind me. Sweat covered my forehead by the time I managed, my breath coming in shallow pants.

Raphael simply waited. Then slid behind me on the bed and began to remove the bandages. I clutched the thin sheet for—modesty? Support?

The salve stung when he applied it, and a hiss escaped me. But despite that, his touch was… gentle.

The vampire, with the same hands that tore heads from shoulders, could be gentle. I hadn’t known any kind of gentleness for so long that I found the sensation unnerving. Maybe because of the pain I was acutely awareof every point of contact, every whisper of his palm against my skin. Despite the pain, I wanted to lean into the touch.

Because I wanted any touch while in this shape? Or because I wanted his?

“What a reversal,” Raphael mused.

Despite myself, my lips twitched.Indeed. Then it faded. “Yours was much worse than mine.” The sight of his back flayed open would haunt me no matter how long I lived.

“It’s hardly a competition,” he retorted.

“You’d never have begged the way I did.” I wasn’t sure why the words came out. Wasn’t sure why I could taste the bitterness in them.

His fingers stilled at my back. I twisted to look around and regretted it. His ruby eyes wereblazing.

“Raphael?” I said quietly.

“You shouldneverhave had to beg.” The words were as vicious as a slice from the scourge, but the anger in them wasn’t directed at me. “They beat you like a blood-damned animal.”

I turned away. Tears pricked my eyes. He was angry, on my behalf. Was I so pathetic that it was a comfort? But his pity was misplaced. “I did it to myself.”

“You had no way of knowing what they would do to you.”

I shook my head. “No. I mean I did it. Devoin—the priest. He told me I had to prove to the gods that… I don’t know, that only they could save me? That I was unworthy? Imade it worse by sneaking the cards in. I should’ve sold them before going to the Monastery.”

“He knew you were desperate, and he used that to degrade you. To punish you for needing help. Any excuse they gave you—as if the gods give a fuck how much you suffer in their names. As for the cards, of course you had the cards. Every fucking mortal who’s not one of their cultists carries a deck. You had no knowledge of what to expect, that it would make it worse.”

A tear threatened to escape as he spoke. I rubbed a palm across my eyes to stop it. “I still agreed.”