Page 27

Kenna

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The clink of the prison door echoed in the tiny room. Kenna's legs bounced, nearly taking her off the chair she perched on in front of the Plexiglass barrier.

"I feel sick," whispered River.

Kenna grabbed her sister's hand. Her stomach wasn't feeling great either. The clearance and security measures they had to go through to visit with their dad were inhumane and traumatizing.

Kingsley had warned her, but nothing could've prevented the shock at what they'd done. Separated from her sister. Separated from Kingsley. It made the experience even worse.

She couldn't protest when they had her strip her clothes off and bend over in front of the female guard. She couldn't tell them no. She couldn't refuse.

She had to do everything they asked if she wanted to see her dad.

And all she could think about was her dad. If the security measures were awful for her and River, it was a thousand times worse for her dad, knowing that he had to live on death row until the state decided to end his life.

Until today, none of it seemed real.

But the gray, musty-scented walls of the prison beat reality into her.

A rattling within the building grew louder. An oppressive burst of stale air suffocated her. She squeezed River's hand.

They couldn't throw up, cause a scene, or do anything that would shorten their visit.

"Be strong," she whispered, hoping the words made it past her lips.

A guard came into view. Kenna held her breath until stars shot into her vision and she gasped for air.

River scooted closer. Kenna stared through the imperfect glass and caught the moment two guards escorted her dad into the room. He looked like a stranger, and yet that was her dad. His normally clean-shaven face was hidden by a ragged beard. The dark hair her mother used to cut in the kitchen for him was now long and gray. His smooth face was covered with years of wrinkles, hardening his expression and almost hiding his eyes.

Beside her, River sobbed quietly, clinging to Kenna's hand. She stared at her dad, taking in all the changes, trying to find the answers she was scared to know.

She'd read the articles online numerous times. They described him as a murderer. He'd taken four lives. Yet, he'd held her and dried her tears when her mom died. He was the father who beat away the imaginary monsters in her closet and swooped her through the air into her bed so that she wouldn't have to put her feet on the floor.

Dad lowered himself into the chair and put his handcuffed hands on the small platform in front of him without taking his gaze off them. His eyes shifted from left to right, over and over, soaking them in. She could feel that desperation through the glass and in her chest.

The two guards locked his handcuffs to a welded hook in the table, then took the phone receiver off the wall and put it in his hand.

The guard on the right tapped on the glass. Kenna jerked her gaze up.

The man motioned toward the phone on the wall beside her. She grabbed the receiver and nodded, understanding she would communicate with her dad over the phone.

There were no holes in the barrier. They couldn't hear or touch him or feel his breath on their skin.

"Daddy?" she whispered.

Her dad leaned forward because of the chain holding his hands down. His cheek continually twitched, and he closed his eyes.

"I love you." She cleared her throat and repeated, " I love you."

River patted her leg, leaning into her to hear over the phone. She held the receiver between them and pressed her head against her sister's head so they could hear if their father talked.

"I love you, too, Dad." River sniffed.

"You shouldn't be here." Her dad refused to open his eyes. "Forget about me."

The lump in her throat grew, cutting off the air to her lungs. "No. Never. You're our Dad. We want to spend time—"

"Please, Dad. We d-don't care about what happened. That has nothing to do with us. We just want you back in our lives," said River.

He flashed his dark, tormented gaze at them. "I don't want you girls associated with me. I don't need others knowing I've got daughters. You need to go out there and make a life for yourself, away from me."

His voice broke as if from unuse. How long had it been since he had talked to another person?

"No, you can't do that to us." River stiffened beside her. "We've lost mom and you. I lost Kenna. I lost everyone. You have no idea how hard it was to live without you, and now we find out you're alive. You can't push us away. We're family. You have no idea how hard it was to live without my family. If it weren't for Zane, I wouldn't have had anyone."

Kenna could see her dad shutting down. They hadn't come to take out their traumatized childhood on him.

"I knew you were alive." She placed her hand over her heart. "I knew the whole time."

"It doesn't matter." Her dad shook his head. "You're going to lose me again."

"But you're not gone now ." Her fingers ached around the phone receiver. "Don't you want to see us? Don't you want to know how we're doing?"

"Damnit." The chains rattled. "You shouldn't have come."

"Did you miss us at all?" she whispered desperately.

"Every fucking second," he whispered back.

"Then, let us have this time with you." River swiped at her face. "Let's forget everything that happened. You're our dad. We don't have to talk about the past. We just want to see you and sit with you."

Kenna nodded. "We can come whenever they let us."

"You don't have to be alone," whispered River.

Her dad worked his lips and gruffly said, "I never wanted this for my girls. I tried to protect you."

"We know," they whispered together.

A break in the pained expression came with a mask of indifference she had never seen before on her father's face. "You're both okay?"

"I live with Kingsley." She looked at her sister. "River lives with Zane. We're all in the same house. Together."

Her dad shook his head. "You were so young. I didn't know what to do."

This was what she wanted. What happened in the past was no longer important. That was between her dad and the state. All she wanted was to share her life with her dad and remember the love she once received from him.

Until coming to prison, she had no idea how important it was that she got to tell him that she loved Kingsley and that he was her future.

Her dad looked at River. "You're happy?"

"I'm loved, and I love living in Gem Haven." River paused. "Have you ever been there?"

"Once, a long time ago."

River started crying again. Kenna straightened her neck. There was so much she didn't know about her dad. She had a child's remembrance of her parents and wanted to get to know her dad as an adult before it was too late.

Today could be the last time she gets to see him, and everything she'd wanted to tell him would be lost. Panic set in.

"Is mom buried in St. Maries?" she asked.

There was no funeral. No time to mourn or question or miss her before she was informed her dad had died and she was ripped out of the house. She needed to see where her mom rested. She needed to see that someone had taken care of her mom.

Her dad bowed his head. No longer able to hold the phone in her aching hand, she passed River the receiver to hold between them. She had no idea what she'd do if he kept the information to himself.

"There's a package. Find it." He lifted his troubled gaze. " All the answers you need are in there." He cleared his throat. "You need to forget about me."

"I want to come back," said Kenna. "I want to be here until the end."

"I'm trying to protect—"

"We don't need protection," River continually wiped her cheeks. We just need you. We love you."

"Pooksie." Her dad gazed at River and then her. "Precious."

At the mention of their childhood nicknames, she swallowed repeatedly. The guard beside their dad picked up his phone and spoke. Her dad glanced over at him. They couldn't hear what was said but could see the tension set into their dad's shoulders.

He swung a desperate gaze at them. "Listen to me carefully."

She and River scooted closer as if that would help them hear him better. River held the phone between them. Their heads pressed almost painfully together, trying to get as close to the receiver as possible.

"In the packet, there's a key. It goes to a safe deposit box at Bancock Bank in St. Mar—"

The guard ripped the phone out of his hand, hanging up on them. Kenna cried out at the sudden silence, standing up in the chair.

"No, it's too soon. We had a half hour." She banged on the Plexiglass. "Daddy."

Her dad stared into her eyes. Her heart raced. River held on to her arm, pulling her away from the barrier. It wasn't fear or anger coming from him, but regret.

The two guards returned, making quick work of unlocking the handcuffs from the table and lifting her dad to his feet.

As they dragged her dad away from the Plexiglass, he shouted, "I'm sorry."

That violent admission broke her heart. She grabbed River, shaking from deep in her soul. The visit was less than she expected and yet so much more. She couldn't grasp everything that was said. All she knew was that she'd seen her dad.

"He's alive," she whispered.

River sobbed. "He left us something."

They both clung desperately to the littlest things. All they'd wanted was to sit with their dad. To feel his love. To remember.

She looked away from the vacant side of the room when the door opened behind them. A guard motioned for them to exit. Pulling River with her, she couldn't get out of the prison fast enough.

Kingsley was outside, waiting for her. She needed to see him. Touch him. Talk to him.