Page 40 of You Had Me At Pumpkin Patch

She could feel the tightness in her chest as the words swam in front of her.

They were copies of emails sent to a Zain Kimberkoo.

He’d said his name was Zain Kay. Hadn’t he?

Well, that was a load of buggering ruddy bullshit.

If a person couldn’t even be honest about their name, what else were they lying about?

Thoughts flew around her head, and she felt powerless to stop them.

Kimberkoo . Clearly, he must be connected to that AI software thing that had stolen her job at KJ Marketing.

Even though she’d come to see she was better off without that damned job that had never suited her nor filled her with any confidence, why the hell hadn’t Zain said that he was somehow linked to it, when she’d spilled her heart out about losing her role?

Why had he pretended that he was some kind of hide in a log hut technophobe , when he quite possibly had his hand in the latest in artificially intelligent chatbots?

Because surely, there couldn’t be that many Kimberkoos kicking around. What was a Kimberkoo anyway? Was that one of the creatures he had tattooed on his chest, that she’d traced with her loving fingers? She winced. How many times in her life was she going to miss the blatant signs?

And if Zain was nothing to do with the chatbot company, he could at least have said, ‘Now there’s a funny coincidence – same surname as me!’

Yes, that would have been the normal, innocent human being thing to do. So what else was he covering up?

Rosie swiped away the fresh lot of tears that were forming and prepared to read.

A tiny part of her was still clinging to the hope that the emails would say: ‘Only joking. My name’s really Zain Kay and I love you to the moon.

Tut tut for snooping.’ But she knew that was ludicrously wishful thinking.

She sank onto the bed, which was a sea of messy papers.

Whatever she was about to read, she had a feeling it would be better tackled sitting down.

Her eyes scanned the first page, still heavy with the guilt that she was reading Zain’s emails without having been invited. But she’d come this far, and she couldn’t unsee the glaring truth of his real name. There was no going back.

Rosie scratched her head. From what she could work out, these were printouts of questions to the chatbot Kimberkoo Chat, together with the chatbot’s answers.

Zain must have emailed them to himself so that he could keep them.

Where had he been doing all of this? Because Agnes didn’t have a printer.

He’d clearly been sneaking off somewhere computer-friendly. Yet another thing he hadn’t mentioned.

Question: Give me the best ideas for romantic outdoor dates. Include a few pumpkins. And tell me what to say to her!

Tell me what to say to her? Rosie balked. It was bad enough that he couldn’t even plan a genuinely heartfelt date. Assuming these date ideas were for her, that was. Maybe he was hiding secret sodding girlfriends too.

Answer: So great to see you back, Zain! We’ve missed you.

So he used this thing often? Of course he bloody did.

For all she knew, he could have invented it – and if he had, he was probably also a secret millionaire.

Her eyes darted to Steve, who was still gobbling his dinner.

If it turned out her darling cat friend was a robot too, she would never trust a living being again.

And she certainly wouldn’t trust a non-living one.

Steve looked up at her and mewed gently.

No. He was genuine. She’d felt his warmth, his breath, the steady beat of his heart.

Not that any of that had meant much for the trustworthiness of Zain.

Here are some ideas for romantic outdoor dates. We hope you manage to woo her.

Woo her? Urgh. She’d been suckered by the dating prowess of a computer programme. She had definitely felt wooed.

Idea 1: Romantic evening dinner date on a lake – including a few pumpkins.

Well, at least it was their date – this one was engraved onto her soul. She’d felt like she’d stepped onto a movie set that had been created just for her. She should have known it was too good to be true.

For this date you will need a lake and a boat.

In advance, prepare the lake by lining the jetty with carved pumpkin lanterns. You may also wish to source string lights and/or floating lights for heightened romance.

How ridiculously contrived. Her heart plummeted. She’d thought those perfect details came from Zain, with her in mind. She was surprised the chatbot hadn’t added an Amazon link to buy floating solar-lit autumn flowers and taken a commission.

The boat should be ready with a picnic basket on board.

The basket should be filled with pumpkin-themed food that your date will enjoy.

We suggest pumpkin hummus with a light and fluffy pumpkin bread, followed by a baked pumpkin fondue, and finished off with a pumpkin and ginger cheesecake that will set her taste buds racing.

Make sure you tell her that you prepared this food yourself (even if you did not). This will impress your date and make her feel like you care (even if you do not). This will put her in the mood for wild romance. (You’re welcome.)

Now her blood was beginning to boil. If she’d been kidding herself that it was almost sweet for Zain to seek online advice to create the perfect date, that had put an end to any such mercy.

He was using the chatbot to line her up for wild romance ?

This had been the night of their first proper kiss. Had that been scripted somewhere too?

Maybe the chatbot had churned out a list of sexual positions – no doubt that seventy-four per cent of people surveyed thought were chuffing brilliant.

When the scene is set...

Arrive at your date’s door and take her by surprise.

Check.

When she answers, sweep her up into your arms and tell her you are her chariot. She will like this.

By the bloody book, Zain Kimberkoo. This was outrageous.

Make sure you are wearing a suit and that you’re looking handsome and well-groomed. Keep the top two buttons of your shirt undone, to show a little chest. This will appear enticing. (Prepare to be touched. We do not know how this feels, but we are told it can be magical.)

Seriously? He needed that much detail to get through one single date with her?

And he’d followed it too. She remembered with a pang exactly how she’d felt at the sight of his enticing chest, and how that whole, feet-sweeping date had felt.

That was the first point she’d realised she was falling hopelessly in love with him.

But she hadn’t been. As she read the next section of the chatbot’s reply, entitled ‘What to say’ , the dreadful truth hit her.

She’d been falling in love with a chatbot.

Because the things he’d said to her weren’t his thoughts or feelings at all. They were a computer-generated script.

She swallowed hard, remembering that it had all felt just a little too perfect.

Recalling his hand occasionally moving towards his pocket, as though there was something inside it that he’d been desperate to consult.

She’d even joked that he seemed worried to go off script .

At that point, he could have taken the opportunity to confess he’d had some help to plan things, but that he was ready to chuck the stupid instructions and be his honest, genuine self. Whoever the hell that was.

As she rifled through the other papers, it was like reading a well-constructed game plan of their whole relationship.

Stargazing dates under cosy blankets with flasks of pumpkin-spiced hot chocolate.

Early morning walks where they’d listened to the birds chatter and spotted water voles in their burrows by the lake.

Making marshmallows together and toasting them around a campfire.

She had known all that had felt like something from the perfect dating textbook.

And she had loved every disingenuously planned minute of it, without thinking to question it.

And it was one thing to get dating ideas from a chatbot.

In itself, that wasn’t much different to a bit of internet searching for inspiration.

But to follow it word for word like an actual script, and pretend you’ve never even heard of Kimberkoo Chat when it comes up in conversation, even though Kimberkoo is in fact your pissing surname.

And then to use exact lines that had been spoon-fed to you by a piece of software.

‘Your smile lights up the sky.’ ‘Baby it’s cold outside.

’ ‘The stars are incredible tonight. I’d like to share them with you. ’

He’d even been having Q&As with Kimberkoo Chat for retreat ideas.

Oh look, and there was that whole spiel he’d given to her swim friends when they’d stayed in the treehouses for the practice retreat.

‘Being elevated invites you to look up. To see the bigger picture.’ Those words had sounded so poetic she’d probably gone weak at the knees.

And she should have known he hadn’t come up with shinrin-yoku forest bathing or dining al fresco .

Never mind being a pumpkin farmer. This guy was a first-rate actor. He’d learned his lines without missing a beat. He’d pretended to be someone or some thing that he wasn’t. And yet again she’d fallen for a man who had an extremely strange relationship with the truth.

No wonder that night in his Prizewinner pumpkin field, when they’d talked before making love, he’d asked if they could start again.

He’d wanted to pretend that everything before that moment hadn’t happened.

Because he knew he’d made her fall in love with a lie.

He’d taken her for a prizewinning idiot.

She’d come here to get away from all of this. The chatbots, the robots, the pointless tech that was getting too big for its artificial boots. Talk about stepping from the frying pan into the raging electrical fire.

So when Zain barged through the door of his cabin, looking red-faced and ranty, clutching a wad of papers himself, Rosie was fit to explode.