Page 10

Xavier

Much as I wanted to hunt down the Goddamned sons of bitches who’d attacked us, I couldn’t bring myself to leave the apartment I now shared with Tillie. She had lain down on her bed without undressing and covered herself with the soft blanket and curled up into a ball.

“You OK, Miss Piggy?” The corner of her lip rose slightly but she didn’t move or speak. “Overload?” She nodded. “Do you want me to leave you alone?” She shook her head and slid one hand out from under the blanket, reaching for me.

I sat on the edge of her bed and took her hand in mine. Tears slid from her eyes as she tightened her fingers around my hand. Fuck. She was breaking my fucking heart.

“Tell me what you need, Tillie. Tell me and it’s yours.”

That seemed to startle her. She blinked several times looking up at me. “You can’t promise that. What If I wanted a million dollars?”

“Then I’ll get you a million dollars.”

“What about a small island where I can rule my subjects with an iron fist?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You want it in the South Pacific or Mediterranean? I can probably swing the Caribbean as long as we don’t go near the Bermuda Triangle.

I’m superstitious.” I was only half joking.

And only about the superstitious part. I happened to know a couple guys with the means who owed me more than one favor.

Might be a stretch, but I could make it work.

She didn’t change expression but seemed to be searching my face for something. Maybe to see if I was lying?

After a while she opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Another tear slid from the corner of her eye. Tillie cleared her throat, but instead of trying to voice her request again, she simply scooted over slowly. So there was room for me to lie on the bed beside her?

“Baby, you’re gonna have to say what you want. I can’t read minds and if you’re wanting me to lie down with you, you’re gonna have to say so. That ain’t somethin’ I’m willin’ to assume you mean. I gotta have something concrete.”

She nodded her head, then croaked out. “Will you please hold me like you did in the truck?”

“Baby.” Yep. I was done. This was it. The day I lost my man card.

The shit of it was, I wasn’t broken up about it.

If it meant I was the one to hold this woman together?

Well. I was beginning to believe to the depths of my soul, holding this brave, sweet woman together might have been the fucking reason God put me on this earth.

Slowly, letting her have as much time as she needed to change her mind, I lay down next to her. It wasn’t necessary, though. The second I lay back, Tillie moved close to me, clinging to my shirt like it was her fucking lifeline.

I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close. I felt her trembling against me, small tremors that rippled through her body. This woman had been through hell more than once and still found the strength to keep going. I admired her resilience more than she could ever know.

“I’m so tired,” she whispered against my chest. “Not just physically. I’m tired of being afraid, of running, of never feeling safe.”

That gave me pause. “Tillie, were you hurt while I was in prison? Is there something you’ve not told me?” If someone else had hurt this woman, I’d be killing again. Only this time, I wouldn’t be making any noble fucking sacrifices.

“No. I never expected everything in my life would be all peaches and cream, but I really didn’t expect my mom and dad to…” She stopped speaking, her fingers now against her trembling lips. I wanted to press her but wasn’t sure what the right move was.

“Did they hurt you?”

“No. Not physically. They just… took everything . They sold everything I got from Paul’s estate, even the house, because they said I could just live with them.

You know. Until they found another man with money who wanted me.

” She trembled in my arms, clinging harder, which I hadn’t thought possible.

Her knuckles were white where her fist still bunched in my shirt.

She sucked in a ragged breath and held it several seconds before letting the breath out in a slow, deliberate release.

“It was never the money, you understand. Not for me. Mom and Dad, though. I think money motivated them to do everything they did with me. They were older when they had me because they were never supposed to need another child.”

Something about the way she phrased her statement had my hackles rising. “I don’t understand. What do you mean ‘need another child’?”

“My brother was supposed to be their ticket to the good life. He was the smart one. The one who touched something, and it turned to gold. Mom was in her late forties when she had me, and only because my brother went to prison for something to do with money laundering and doing something bad with the stock market. They never talked about it, and I only found out about it when they shoved me into Paul’s life. ”

“OK.” I took a breath and stroked her arm while I thought over what she’d said. “There’s a lot there, honey. This isn’t something you’ve ever mentioned before.”

“No. My time with you on Saturdays was my escape. I took as much time as I could to forget everything when I was with you. You gave me so much and the last thing I wanted to do then -- or now -- is for you to think I’m looking for more.

The reason I only now bought a place and moved away from my parents was they kept putting me off with the estate sale and settlement.

I found out later it was because they’d taken it all.

I managed to keep my car and enough to buy” -- she shuddered -- “that little farm, and put back enough to keep me going for a few months if I couldn’t write or things got slow for the holidays or something. ”

I had to concentrate on keeping my breathing slow and even. The last thing she needed was my anger on her behalf spilling over to her right now. “We’ll worry about all that later, OK? You’re safe now,” I promised, stroking her hair. “No one’s getting to you here.”

She nodded slightly, her breath warm against my neck. “I know. That’s what scares me.”

I frowned. “What do you mean, baby?”

“What if I get used to feeling safe with you, and then…” She trailed off, but I understood what she couldn’t say.

“And then I leave?” I finished for her. “Not happening, Tillie. Not by choice.”

She pulled back just enough to look up at me, her silvery-green eyes swimming with emotions I couldn’t fully decipher.

“But that’s just it. Sometimes we don’t get a choice.

Like with Paul. I didn’t choose for him to become a monster.

I didn’t choose for you to kill him and throw your life into chaos when you could have been happily on your way.

” The tears really started falling now. She wiped her nose with the back of her wrist, then swiped at her eyes with her fingers.

“My whole life has been one clusterfuck after another, Xave. Since I met you, you’ve been the only bright spot in my life.

I knew things wouldn’t be easy just because Paul was gone and I didn’t have to be afraid of him anymore.

I was fully prepared to work hard to make my own life.

It just seems like one thing after another kept dragging me backward, trying to suck me back down into a deep, dark hole I could never escape from! ”

I pulled her closer, tucking her head under my chin.

“Listen to me, Tillie. You’re not going back into any fucking hole.

Not while I’m breathing. Metaphorically speaking or not.

” I stroked her hair, feeling her tears dampening my shirt.

“I’ve spent a year and a half thinking about you every Goddamn day.

Planning what I’d do when I got out. How I’d find you, make sure you were good. ”

“You planned to find me?” Her voice was small against my chest.

“Baby, you only think you know what I’d go through for you.” It was the Goddamned truth. “Yeah. I killed for you. But that was just my excuse to go to prison. True, I hadn’t planned on killin’ anyone, but then you turned up and some people just need killin’.”

When her gaze met mine, her eyes were wide with shock and not a small amount of confusion. “What? What are you saying, Xavier?”

“I needed to be in Terre Haute for about six months. That’s how long I thought it would take me to do my job. Knuckles made all the arrangements and six months was all I needed.”

“Oh no,” she gasped, distress on her lovely face.

“Hey. Stop. Let me finish.” I gave her a level look, firm but not harsh as I held her gaze.

When she settled and nodded her head, I dropped a kiss on top of her head and continued.

“We had it all planned out. Me and Knuckles. He was still in prison, but the man has connections I don’t want to know about.

I helped him prepare this, so I knew I’d be getting out as soon as I could finish the job.

” She shifted, but I held her where she was.

I wasn’t sure I could look at her just yet because the woman had rocked me to my core the night I killed her husband.

“I was gonna go in for some trumped-up drug charges or something. Didn’t really care as long as I could get out when I wanted.

I was supposed to get an eighteen-month sentence, but Knuckles said the Miles family lawyer would get me out in six months tops if I was ready.

I was going in to, uh, settle some disputes and stuff.

” I knew she was about to ask so I cut her off.

“It doesn’t really matter why right now, only that I had the choice to get out once I’d completed my tasks, which I got done in the six months I’d been allotted.

I chose to stay because you… kept coming.

” She sucked in a breath, her eyes going wide with shock and something I wasn’t quite sure of.

“Why would you do that?” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

I shrugged and repeated, “You kept coming.”

“You said that. Why not ask to meet up when you got out? Or ask for my phone number?”

“Because I’m a big guy. You already know I can be violent when I need to be. I wanted you to be ready for me. I wanted you to have a chance to heal inside and out. But most of all, I wanted you to know me, so you’d know without a shadow of a doubt, I’d never hurt you. Ever, Tillie. Not ever.”

“I know you wouldn’t. You saved me.”

“I’m also the guy who murdered your husband.”

“Because he beat me up!” She pushed herself up and braced her forearms on my chest. “Xavier, I never thought you’d hurt me. Not even that night when you went in with the Judge you pulled out from under your seat.”

I winced. “Christ. I was hopin’ you hadn’t actually seen me get my gun.”

“It wasn’t like I didn’t know what you did.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t want any more violence to touch you. When I killed that bastard, the only thing I cared about was makin’ sure you never had violence touch you again.”

“I waited in the truck like you said, but I didn’t want to.

It was so hard watching the police take you away in handcuffs.

” She shuddered, laying her head back on my chest and snuggling closer.

She clutched my shirt tightly once again.

“You saved me. When everyone else in my life was blinded by the wealth and privilege Paul’s lifestyle afforded them, you were the one who came to my rescue.

You didn’t question if I was lying or if there had been a good reason for me being beat all to shit.

” She sat up then, crossing her legs, tailor fashion.

“I’ve replayed that night over and over in my mind, Xave.

You knew. From the second I became aware of you, when I first looked into your eyes, I didn’t have to tell you what had happened. You just assumed.”

“Honey, I knew. Anyone with half a brain could tell what happened to you wasn’t an accident. Especially with the way you shied away from me when I stopped.”

“God, the rain was coming down so hard.” She gazed away from me, looking off in the distance, staring into the past. “The storm was probably the only reason I got away from the bastard that night.”

“Prissy fucker didn’t like gettin’ wet?”

“He was a coward,” she snapped. “Fucking terrified of storms.” Then Tillie winced and sighed. “That’s not fair. Lots of people are afraid of rough weather. But it’s the only reason I got out of the driveway.”

“I killed that son of a bitch too fuckin’ quick.” I hadn’t meant to mutter that out loud, but when Tillie gave me a faint smile, I decided maybe I hadn’t said something to scare her.

“When you stopped that night, I think I’d resigned myself to whatever happened. I didn’t want to be raped or beaten or anything. I just wanted it all to be over.”

“Christ, baby.” I reached for her then, pulling her on top of me so she straddled my hips. Wrapping my arms around her, I held her so tight I was afraid she wouldn’t be able to breathe, but when I loosened my hold, she whimpered.

“More.”

“Don’t let me hurt you, honey. I don’t ever want to hurt you.”

She shifted and moved higher in my arms so we were face-to-face. “And you never will, Xave. It’s just the kind of man you are.”

Then, to my complete and utter surprise, Tillie met my lips with hers.